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Your State Should be Ashamed

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(Click each map to enlarge)

A recent Internet trend, for which we should just blame blame Buzzfeed, dance music, and Obama, is maps of… stuff. While we’ve never been a nation of geography buffs (wait, New York ISN’T the capital?) we do like lists, rankings, and classifying one another by any means necessary. So why not do this regionally?

I have fallen into the trap as well, and while folking out to some Michael Cera, I perused three maps released by Movoto blog that are relevant to we at Funkhouser. Sadly it’s not another “your state’s favorite porn is” map. I know you’re disappointed. These fine folks decided to examine the most torrented movie, game, and television series over a 40-day window.

Now what IS a torrent?

Mom. Don’t worry about it. It comes from the AOL when I plug in my computer and it’s free. No need to worry about “file sharing”, “downloads”, or “spreading bandwith” or “99.9% illegal”. That’s all irrelevant.

Now that we got that over with, what shameful thing has your state been downloading and how might I mock it? Let’s take a look.

TV Series

— Seeing a LOT of Game of Thrones. This isn’t particularly intriguing nor surprising. We like mythical violence and sex. Duh. But somewhat intruiging is the geographic cluster over the….north Midwest? What do you call that area? Hockeytown? Nebraska, the Dakotas, Minnesota, your teenage boys spent some time indoors. Good. Keep them off the streets.

Fargo, WHY aren’t you the most torrented show in North Dakota? Or Minnesota? You like watching fantastical slaying, but not set in your own backyard? For shame. California, Utah, and Jersey love Fargo. I delight in the randomness and your surprisingly good taste.

— Da FUH is Awkward? The pink one in Louisiana and Texas. There ya go. Time to google it. Why, it’s an MTV series about teenagers….. #GOPTeens shouldn’t you be hunting and fishing and guarding our borders, not watching that trash on MTV?

Penny Dreadful, while I haven’t gotten to watching you yet myself (working on The Americans and Broad City), you’re next on the list. Horror+Eva Green+Showtime+Eva Green is a good combination. You’re popular all over the place, even in Florida where daily life can be rather frightening, what with Fake or Florida and all.

— The Carolinas like Californication… In other news, there are hipsters and rednecks who watch Californication. Surprised to see any viewers at all… Also, Michigan. Random.

— The southeast (and Montana) love The Big Bang Theory. *Cue studio audience laughter. Only Emmy voters and your aunts and uncles aren’t ashamed they watch The Big Bang Theory. But we in the South like to keep our sinning private, thus the illegal downloading is explained.

— West Virginia likes Orphan Black, and this is the ONLY good decision that state’s ever made… Breaking off from Virginia? That was foolish.

Beauty and the Beast is a CW show. New York, your man card is revoked. Connecticut, you’re watching some CW show too, but we all know you never had a man card, so you’re cool.

— There are a handful of random other, likely network TV shows on here. I’ve never heard of them, but surprisingly, these torrenters have…

— And finally… Jack Bauer is back for 24 more hours to save America, and our great Commonwealth is tuning in.

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 Games

— Seriously, I haven’t played a video game since high school. But these gamer types seem to enjoy Watch Dogs? According to Wikipedia it’s about a hacker who roams the streets of Chicago seeking revenge after his… niece’s death? That’s a shaky premise, but OK.

— For some reason New York is downloading FIFA 13 instead of 14…

— And are we surprised that Oregon is all about some FIFA? Hipsters. Hipsters, everywhere.

— Delaware. Look at Delaware now. It’s the small one skinny one by Maryland you fool. Goat Simulator. Not even going to Google it, I will just let my imagination run wild on that one.

— Oklahomans aren’t playing NCAA Football because I heard that college athletes likeness’ can’t be used in that way anymore. No, naturally they’re getting their game on to Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm 3!!! Dōmo arigatō, Mr. Roboto.

The Elder Scrolls. That sounds like something Cartman would play.

— New Hampshire so would torrent Minecraft.

movies

Movies

— This map is slightly less scientific than the rest due to timing and blah blah being more relevant to films (he others were sciency enough for Bill Nye), but let’s go ahead and talk about the elephant in the room. Kentucky and That Awkward Moment, spelled That Akward Moment above. Michael B. Jordan, Miles Teller, and even Zac Efron are all talented guys, but that doesn’t mean I want to see them in a rom com. You’re better than that Kentucky.

— Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore were once a dynamic duo at the box office, and they still are–in New Mexico. For no money.

— Those leeeebrals in California are watching 12 Years a Slave. I’ll bet they quit halfway through to Redbox Blended instead.

— And those liberals in Massachusetts are watching Her to fill the void in their empty lives with Scarlett Johansson’s voice.

— Sticking with the left/right politics of the day, Lone Survivor and Texas. Because America.

— OK, so I get why Cuban Fury sounds like something the residents of Florida may be interested in, but that was a cruel trick they played on you Cubans. Watching Nick Frost salsa dance is probably not what you had in mind.

— Hey Utah, I would not have pegged you for a Kevin Hart state. Way to keep surprising me.

— Iowa be living that Wolf of Wall Street life. F***in f*** f*** yea.

— Idaho, Son of Batman is not a video game? Are you sure?

— New Yorkers are curious about A Million Ways to Die in the West. Definitely marijuana New Yorkers. Deadly. Stay on the East Coast.

— Why are people in Virginia watching Jackass? I thought Vineyard Vines types weren’t into such drivel.

Witching and Bitching, what are you? I like your title, but I don’t like Indiana or Tennessee so….

— Will Godzilla 2 be set in Montana? What would he destroy/save there?

— This map should be 99% Captain America, but it’s not; way to let Steve Rogers down.

— When you think Arkansas and Mississippi, you think NON STOP ACTION.

— The fact that Nicholas Cage is on this map (Tokarev also known as Rage) only three times would not please Nicholas Cage. **How am I not in that movie?!!

Rose Byrne loves Nicholas Cage. Also, Rose Byrne needs her own movie. Over and out.

Article written by Brennan English

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. @BrennanKSR