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Your 2015 Hallmark Channel Movie Guide

hallmark-countdown-to-xmas

Hallmark Christmas movies exist in a parallel universe. Their stories exist in a world where characters can be in a “cold” setting but not look miserable. In the Hallmark universe, everyone’s job is fun and frivolous (Christmas greeting card writer, whimsical winter hat store owner, Holiday wreath entrepreneur, etc.) There is an emphasis on words like “spirit,” “traditions” and “soul mate.” However, It’s not all hot chocolate and Christmas magic in the Hallmark world. Each character must have a healthy dash of traumatic events that cloud their past.   Main characters are orphans, widows, or preferably both. But, don’t worry, characters always preserve their Christmas Spirit in the end.

Mad Libs

The Hallmark universe is predictable. It is overly sentimental and potentially assembled by mad libs. (I think I decoded the magic formula. See Mad Libs to the side.)  Regardless, these movies remind us that it is Christmastime.   This year, the Hallmark Channel is debuting more Christmas movies than ever. Don’t waste your time on a bad Christmas movie. Here are some movies that will be bad, but in the most wonderful way.

 A Christmas Detour

Candace Cameron Bure (You know her as DJ Tanner) spends most of this movie explaining why her fiancé is her soul mate. (You don’t need to watch this movie to know that they aren’t going to end up together.)   We know this. Candace does not. Unfortunately, she gets snowed in at a hotel in Buffalo and can’t make it to visit her future in-laws. They are going to have to plan her wedding without her. (This story takes place in an alternate universe where FaceTime and Skype do not exist.)

In order to plan her wedding, she has to drive back with a hunky stranger and a grumpy couple. The grumpy couple insists that they have been married for twenty years. I spent most of the movie trying to figure out how old these people were supposed to be.

Rating: 🌰🌰🌰🌰4 out of 5 Chestnuts over an open fire

 

Crown for Christmas

This movie is a poor man’s Princess Diaries. Danica McKellar (You know her as Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years) is the governess for a princess in MadeUpCountryLand. Winnie Cooper initially has trouble working with the Princess, but she eventually befriends her. The King also begins to “warm up” to the new governess, but he is conflicted by his feelings for his icy fiancé and I’m sure they will add in something about the Queen’s death.

All the wonderful accents in the previews for the movie reminds me of The Holiday. In no way will Crown for Christmas compare to that classic, but perhaps it will be a Christmas miracle for us all!

Rating: 👑👑👑 3 out of 5 Christmas Crowns

 

Just in Time for Christmas

Santa Goatee

To all the Sci-Fi movie lovers, this Christmas movie is for you. It has time travel and William Shatner. The Shat would not lend his talent to just any movie. Like the ghost of Christmas Future, William Shatner strolls in to town to show Lindsey what her life would be like if she chose one of two potential husbands. I look forward to seeing if they explain his odd facial hair choice.

Rating: 🐐☕🐐☕2 out of 5 Santa Goatees

 

A Christmas Melody

A Christmas Melody

Star Wars: The Force Awakens comes out December 18th. To a slightly less enthusiastic audience, A Christmas Melody, directed by Mariah Carey,  will debut on December 19th. One will be the vision of a brilliant and creative director, the other will be directed by J.J. Abrams. (That’s some Star Wars shade I just threw. Notice I tucked it in a paragraph about Mariah Carey’s Hallmark Movie. I think I’m safe.)

But seriously, in this story, Lacey Chabert (You know her as Mean Girl’s Gretchen Wieners) is described as “a beautiful, stylish divorcee who is a talented clothing designer.”  Gretchen has to move back to Ohio and resettle back into her hometown with her daughter. Mariah Carey plays a sassy PTA President who makes “life difficult.” This could be anything from deflating her Christmas inflatables to manslaughter. We will all have to wait until December 19th to find out.

Rating: 🎵🎵🎵🎵🎵5 out of 5 Mariah Carey Christmas High Notes

Article written by Megan Suttles

I can't decide if I want to use this space to be witty or insightful. I guess it will be neither.