Ah, the Final Four. That halcyon weekend when Kentucky battles it out for the NCAA National Championship. Unfortunately, in 2017, because of a stupid game last Sunday, our Wildcats are not playing this weekend for a national championship. So what the hell are we supposed to do on Saturday? Or even Monday? This is just the worst. But if we have to watch all this dumb basketball, we might as well find out who we can root for. So let’s take a look, I guess.
Notable Alumni: Dirty basketball player John Stockton, Mean Father Bing Crosby
Fun Fact: Gonzaga is located in beautiful Spokane, Washington, where the campus is safe and protected from the many, many serial killers burying bodies in the nearby foothills. Also, your meal plan card now works at Panda Express on Boone Avenue!
Why you should root for them: Three weeks ago, picking Gonzaga to make the Final Four would have meant you know nothing about college basketball — but that same pick this year makes you look like you know a lot about college basketball.
Why you shouldn’t root for them: Gonzaga stole Kyle Wiltjer from us. He was part of the duo “The Goonies,” with Willie Cauley-Stein, and his leaving robbed us of that magic.
Notable Alumni: Jilted Today Show host Ann Curry, WKRP in Cincinnati’s Howard Hesseman
Fun Fact: Oregon University, which partners with nearby Nike, has a long list of avante garde uniforms. For two weeks in November, the team wore those checkered chef pants with clogs and the entire month of February saw the Ducks clad in nothing but men’s Spanxâ„¢ and tie-dyed doo-rags.
Why you should root for them: Despite the fact the Ducks mascot is the exact visage of Donald Duck, Oregon has managed to successfully evade Disney attorneys for over seventy years.
Why you shouldn’t root for them: Dana Altman is the highest paid coach left in the tourney, earning $2,651,000 per year and he’s never taken a team to the Final Four before. SUCKERS.
Notable Alumni: 2015 Celebrity Apprentice winner Leeza Gibbons, husky-boy football coach Charlie Weis.
Fun Fact: The State of South Carolina recently removed the Confederate flag from in front of its statehouse in Columbia; it was replaced with a flag bearing the word CHINA with a circle around it and a line through it.
Why you should root for them: If you don’t, Frank Martin will personally rip your arms off and beat you to death with them.
Why you shouldn’t root for them: The school’s plan, should they win the 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, is to display the trophy in the South of the Border rest stop and roadside attraction on Interstate I-95.
Notable Alumni: Folksy lawyer Andy Griffith, blonde screamer Chris Matthews
Fun Fact: Roy Williams pumps up his team before each game by enthusiastically playing hambone on his spoons.
Why you should root for them: You’re a spy in this state and you will be discovered WE ARE ONTO YOU.
Why you shouldn’t root for them: You treasure joy and happiness. Also, look at that damn prissy walking goat. YOU AREN’T A MAN, GOAT.