Port of Los Angeles (KSR)
“The journey doesn’t end here. […] The grey curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it: white shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.” – Gandalf the White
Shocking announcement from Los Angeles today as the white men of the world have announced that they will all board ships to Valinor. In a hastily arranged press conference, spokesman Richard Branson stated that it was a day of mixed emotions for white men everywhere, but that the time had finally come.
“It’s the end of the Third Age and, at the meeting last week, we all decided that it was time to pass Earth on to the meek. Therefore, throughout this week, all white men the world over will board ships and sail to the Undying Lands, never to be seen in this realm again.”
Immediately following the conclusion of the press conference, the exodus began in earnest. Millions of flights, Ubers, Smart Cars, and Segways are descending upon the Port of Los Angeles, causing massive congestion in the area. When asked to comment on the journey before him, Braden Pzkywolski said that it would be bittersweet.
“Like, I’m gonna miss some shit, for sure. Poundin’ brews, gettin’ my LARP on, feedin’ that little dingus Timmy a day’s worth of knuckle sambas. But, you know, like, I think we all are kind of looking forward to sailin’ the Straight Road across Beleagaer. I, like, can’t wait to be chillaxin’ in the Halls of Mandos and waitin’ for the ol’ Doomsman of the Valar to, like, you know assign me my fate. Also, and I totally love lembas bread, but I wonder if they have a Chipotle there.”
The rest of the world’s population greeted the news swiftly, some with quiet contemplation, others with raucous, spontaneous celebration. In a statement released by President Obama, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and U.N. Secretary-General Ban Kimoon, the trio thanked white men for their contributions to society and wished them well.
“Speaking for the population of non-white men, we thank them for all of their works and wish them safety and swift passage across the sea to the Undying Lands. We also want them to know that we’ll miss them. Some of them. Guys like Quentin Tarantino and Aaron Rodgers. Bob Dylan, I guess, back when he was good. We’ll definitely miss Brent from the Applebee’s in Boca Raton. He was great.”
Some that we interviewed even saw the trip as an opportunity. As he boarded the Queen Mary II, on his way to the presidential suite, Donald Trump took a quick second to wax poetic about this and the legacy of white men.
“It’s huge. I mean, without guys like us, me really, there’s no business. There’s no economy, no capitalism at all, no money. Just think about it, because of us there is history, there’s great buildings, the Empire State Building, Trump tower, etc. There’s velcro and freedom, and bacon inside of other things, and poptarts. I honestly can’t think of a single bad thing that white men have ever given the world. It’s cool, I think they’ll enjoy everything we’re leaving behind. Also, love elves. Love ’em. I get along so well with elves you wouldn’t believe. I really can’t wait to get to Valinor, see how their golf courses are doing.”
As the sun sets on Los Angeles Harbor, there is a calm. While cases of Taco Bell and Jaegermeister are loaded onto the boats, a group of ex-surfers sit by a fire with their acoustic guitars, playing Jack Johnson songs. Across the dock, another group of men shoot hunting bows at shipping containers, listening to Toby Keith and drinking Busch Light.
In the middle, a young Wall Street executive sits on a lawn chair, stirring the contents of an open bag of white powder with his index finger. He loosens his tie and smooths his long hair back. He looks inland, taking in the lights, the signs, the cars weaving from lane to lane, and thinks upon all that he has wrought. As the sun sets on the city, he takes his index finger from the bag and, placing it under his nose, inhales deeply. One last bump.