During the week of Thanksgiving, the Funkhouser family offers up the facets of pop culture for which they’re especially thankful. Today, Kalan shares the object of his cultural gratitude:
Can you smell it in the air? It’s Thanksgiving week, tell-tale signs of which include:
- An increase in car-jackings by angry turkeys out for revenge
- Sad vegans attempting to rationalize bags of stuffing at
- News Alerts showing alarming levels of cranberry in the air
and, most importantly,
- You’re surrounded by family members you barely remember or know, some of whom–let’s face it–are bizarre and untrustworthy creatures.
That covers quite a few of you, huh? There are several methods for dealing with the awkwardness of family gatherings. You can go out and play sports with your more well-adjusted cousins. You can eat so much turkey that you sleep through the entire thing in a haze of Tryptophan fever. You could find your spirit animal and slide.
Honestly, though, there is only one fool-proof method to handling such an intense, dense helping of family. The tried and true method of drinking. A lot. A whole, whole lot.
This Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks and pay tribute to the best examples of debauched madness on the screen. Characters in TV shows, moments in movies; the Bacchanalian clips show us that, whether good or bad, drinking is a solution. Without further ado, here are my five favorite On-Screen Inebriates:
1. Don Draper
A true drinker of the olden days. Don is never caught without a pour of J&B or an Old Fashioned in his hand, a part of him as much as that disarming, dashing smile, that razor sharp wit, and that giant Dick… Whitman identity complex thing. Just like all of the beer ads you see, Don (right up until probably Season 5) makes drinking look good and looks good doing it. If the lunches of Mad Men were in Washington today, there’d be a whole lot more camaraderie! Undoubtedly, Don’s the person on this list I’d most like to drink with.
2. Tyrion Lannister
Poor Tyrion Lannister was born somewhat “deformed.” His sister wants to kill him and his father has always hated him for “killing” his mother by being born. Everyone calls Tyrion ‘Imp’ and he had his nose cut off in the only battle he was forced to lead. After which he was stripped of his title and basically spit on by the masses. I’ll bet Lannister Thanksgivings are super awkward.
It’s easy to see why the guy drinks!
What makes Tyrion such a delight is how happy a drunk he is, how witty! He’s generally the cleverest guy in the room and he always takes the jabs and jibes thrown his way and turns them into a joke of which he is part (a la Roseanne). Tyrion and wine (and ladies of the night) go together like peas and carrots. He’s the person on this list I’d most like to drink with.
3. The Dude
The Dude Abides. He’s also the person on this list I’d most like to drink with.
4. Everyone Everywhere in Beer Fest
Not only have they trained for a year in order to compete with the Germans, they are drinking the most delicious beer in the universe. That sounds like a wonderful way to spend the holidays! Just watching that movie, the training montages, the competition, puts a smell of hops and malt into your nostrils. It’s also the most patriotic group on the list, representing the USA as the bonafide drinking nation that it is! They’re the people on this list I’d most like to drink with, no doubt.
5. Merry & Pippin in The Lord of the Rings
Everyone, sing along!!
“Hey, ho, to the bottle I go,
To heal my heart and drown my woe!
Rain may fall and wind may blow,
But there still beeeeee many miles to go!
Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain,
And stream that falls from hill to plain!
Better than rain or rippling brook,
Is a mug of beer inside this Took!
Strange and dark is the world outside,
But in the pub we’ve naught to hide!
With lots of ale, and barley wine,
This evenin’ is surpassin’ fine!
Harvest’s in and cold without,
An’ hobbits strong are hobbits stout!
Naught to fear, and naught to think,
For hobbits nowwww have ale to drink!
The Shire lays right down to sleep,
In slumber long and slumber deep!
Hushed be hobbit lass and lad,
With faces plump and faces glad!
A land of peace and a hobbit hole
And in a pouch a pipeweed roll!
Never falter, never fear,
For the Shire will always be here!”
They’re also the Hobbits on this list I’d most like to drink with.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!