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The Tent City Daily Newsletter, October 2015

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The Tent City Daily Newsletter

October 1, 5:30 pm

TENT CITY AT FULL CAPACITY

If you are receiving this handout, congratulations! You are one of the 585 occupied tents at 2015’s Big Blue Madness Ticket Campout Tent City (BBMTCTC)! This daily update is to help keep some order over the next few days as the volume of people can sometimes lead to miscommunication or misunderstanding. Please take the time to peruse this handout when you receive it to keep yourself up to speed on the goings-on during your stay here in Tent City.

FOOD DISTRIBUTION TIMES/LOCATIONS

It’s important to eat while in Tent City to keep up your strength and immune systems. Please note the following distribution times for donated items.

Northeast Corner– 7 pm: Three pizzas (Papa Johns), first come first serve.
Mid-Tent-City– 8:15 pm: Grilled Hot Dogs/Chips, limit one per person.
East Wall, Memorial Coliseum – 9:05 pm: One half-eaten whopper, possible fries.
Southwest end of Basketball Courts – 10:16 pm: approx. 7-10 gummi bears, licked.

MARK HAS LOST HIS HACKEYSACK

Lost: One aqua/red hackeysack, printed with “Horde Tour 1996.” If found, please see Mark.

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SOMEONE POOPED BEHIND THE TREE

While the line for the portable toilets can often become long, there’s no excuse for relieving one’s self in areas outside of this designated location. PLEASE if you see something, say something. This is a self-policing matter for now but action will be taken for those responsible. You know Carol, from the blue tent? Really nice? With the glasses? She stepped in it. Pooping behind the tree is not cool.

COUNCIL MEETING NOTES

During the Wednesday session of the Tent City Council held last night, members voted 14-10 to allow repaving of zones two and three to begin immediately. Also, registered voters living in Zone One will now vote at the green tent with the beige accents and no longer at the yellow tent with the red stripe. Redistricting maps are available at the orange tent with the brown top, ask for John. Gary Wolcomb addressed the Council concerning appropriate hours for Drake lyrics. Council closed with the Tent City Elementary School Choir performing “God Bless the USA.” Thanks to all who attended.

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MISSED CONNECTIONS

Be my John Robic? Me: wearing a UK hat, sweatshirt, jeans, sneakers. You: wearing a UK hat, sweatshirt, jeans, sneakers. Passed you sometime yesterday. Would love to have you on my bench for a championship season of love. Call #4583
Frenemies? You: Pushed me to the ground and stole my spot. Me: stabbed you in the eye with a tentpole. You: threw a Yeti cooler at my head and possibly broke my clavicle. Me: blacked out as blood pooled all over my shirt and the sirens of an ambulance arrived. Discharged this afternoon and back for more good times with you. Call #9585

JOBS DOWN 30% FROM WEDNESDAY

A poll released this morning suggests that Tent City employment is down nearly 30% from Wednesday evening, possibly owing to the shutdown of the bootleg Luke Bryan CD ring and Matt Sullivan running out of weed. Candidates for the Tent City Presidential Race on Friday night have weighed in, roundly promising to bring new jobs to Tent City in the forms of decorative UK sweater knitting, various Kentucky-themed candies and the manufacturing of little horses on the ends of pencils.

WALL TO BEGIN CONSTRUCTION

As approved by vote yesterday at 1:30 pm the dividing wall meant to keep Euclid residents from entering Tent City will begin construction tonight. Please see John in the orange tent for your mandated Tent City citizenship cards by 8:00 am tomorrow, anyone without a mandated Tent City citizenship card will be forced into the True Blue button mines until proof can be attained. Also, all people between the ages of 17-30 are required by law to sign up for the draft. Remember: Be the difference. Join the Tent City Navy Today. 

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DAILY LOTTERY TO BE HELD AT 3:00

Today’s daily lottery drawing will be held at 3:00 in Tent City Square. Please gather in an orderly line and draw your slips. As usual, if you draw the slip with the black spot, you will be stoned to death in front of your neighbors. That’s just how it’s always been here in Tent City. Remember, don’t poop behind the tree!

 

 

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

24 Comments for The Tent City Daily Newsletter, October 2015



  1. Towles' Man Bun
    1:09 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    FINALLY, a truly funny post from a KSR writer! (Drew, take notes!) Seriously, that’s not meant to be underhanded; great job C.M. I laughed aloud at the “Frenemies” part and had co-workers look at me like I was crazy. Also greatly appreciated the council meeting notes. Good stuff.



  2. C.M. Tomlin
    2:43 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Have I ever told the story of when I stole Snodgrass’s girlfriend for a night back in college?



  3. Snodgrass
    3:15 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Lame is my favorite word. Probably because I’m 12.



  4. Grasssnod
    3:16 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    these complaints are lame as hell.



  5. WildcatDon
    3:17 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    You know what else is painful? My penis when I pee. Burns.



  6. NeedaHobbie
    3:24 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Wish this CM dude would just stop. Appreciate the effort in length. But its just not funny



  7. JC
    3:35 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Loved it and to all that are complaining, this is what built this site. Learn the history and know it was this type of writing and the Lucas/Patterson recruitment made this site. So shut up. I wish the site would lose half of you whiney losers while keeping the revenue so they could actually go back to their roots.

    And I love a clever Shirley Jackson reference. You don’t come across that everyday.



  8. Drew Franklin
    3:37 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    I thought it was awesome, Tomlin. If I were a betting man, I’d put a large sum of money on most Tomlin-haters owning two to three pieces of Larry The Cable Guy merchandise.



    • Old white guy
      3:45 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

      You would be incorrect. I was always more of a Bill Hicks/George Carlin fan. And i think this article wasnt funny.



    • CATandMONKEY
      7:35 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

      Carlin would have approved, as a comedian and as his true self, a writer. Read this as an entire piece and nof a bunch of one-liners. Hilarious! !



    • CATandMONKEY
      7:35 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

      Correction : not



  9. BtownUKFan
    4:28 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Why waste the bytes to complain…..geeez. When did you realize it wasn’t funny? Did you read the entire column and then click on the comment button just to whine? Maybe it takes a higher level of intellect to appreciate Tomlin’s humor and some of you just don’t have it….just sayin’.
    I’ve never visited Tent City but I found his column very amusing.



  10. Blue Trudy
    9:45 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Tomlin, you’re freaking hilarious!



  11. Brian thompson
    11:16 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    I luv u guys at ksr but sometimes y’all post things that make me scratch my head!! Really not sure where Drew was going with the Drew barker sucker punch article last night besides making a guy feel even more embarrassed about probably the worst thing that has ever happened in his life but “hey let’s show that again” uk football is exciting this yet but somehow u find a way to to put a bad spin on it by bringing up the past…



  12. Cards Goin' 2 Reign Terror in Rupp
    11:22 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Slick haired greaser Pay Pal Cal’s brother just got smacked hard again at SMU. You kitty kats are next. #Bannerscomingdown.



  13. Orange Julius Syracuse Soulja
    11:24 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Pay Pal Cal just busted his recruit budget today. With the NCAA hot on the heels of Coach Brown you kitty kat fans are next. Banners are going to fall.



  14. Indiana Integrity
    11:30 pm October 1, 2015 Permalink

    Ever find that you have trouble ripping banners down from the rafters after you have been sanction by the NCAA? Pay Pal Cal here for a new invention that will revolutionize the art of vacating wins and Final Four appearances. Velcro Banners. Velcro Banners are easy to apply, just take off the protective covering, stick to the back of the banner and to the front of the surface to hang the banner, and wallah! You have an easy to remove piece of history in case of NCAA sanctions that don’t implicate* you. Implicate meaning that your slick haired Wide World Wes loving used car salesman guido self were guilty as sin but the NCAA, wink wink, decided you were too good for business.

    No more cherry pickers, no more having to get the janitor to walk the cat walk. Just use the include free pole to grasp the bottom of the banner and gently tug to allow the vacated piece of cheating lore fall to the arena floor.

    Velcro Banners. Get yours today!



    • Adorable
      8:27 am October 2, 2015 Permalink

      What kind of pu$$y posts as a Tard, an Orange child-molester, and Loosier all within 8 minutes?



  15. HMMM?
    12:44 am October 2, 2015 Permalink

    Don’t you just love that people that thought this was funny think wish people that didn’t think it was funny would leave? So you are allowed to have an opinion, but anyone’s that is different, should leave. Is this correct?

    For the record, I did not find it funny. While I was reading it, I wanted it to be funny, but it just never happened.

    Having said that i’m not going to bash Tomlin for it. He wrote what he thought was funny and apparently to some it was.

    As far as not having enough intellect. Awesome. We have someone who thinks that they have a higher level of intellect because they found this funny.

    A little advice to the ones complaining about the complaints. If all complainers should leave, that means you would then leave due to being a complainer. Understand? Or is that beyond your intellect?

    Comments are comments. The more comments being made means more the advertisers want to place ads. The more ads, the more money for KSR. So thanks to all the complainers and to the complainers of the complainers. Your making money for KSR. Which is good for me because I like a free site to get the news.



  16. Obviously
    8:04 am October 2, 2015 Permalink

    If you don’t like this post, then may I encourage you to please go fly a kite. Tomlin is funny by his own accord, and if you don’t appreciate it then you are missing out on clever, smart writing. Drew is hilarious as well, for whoever doesn’t believe so.



  17. Debbie Broadbent
    12:24 pm October 2, 2015 Permalink

    Maybe the mystery pooper is one the many carrying cases of beer. Maybe the staff and campus policy should actually work and spot check coolers.



  18. Debbie Broadbent
    12:33 pm October 2, 2015 Permalink

    I am not complaining the rules for the Tent City posted all over campus state no alcoholic beverages.