The Tent City Daily Newsletter
October 1, 5:30 pm
TENT CITY AT FULL CAPACITY
If you are receiving this handout, congratulations! You are one of the 585 occupied tents at 2015’s Big Blue Madness Ticket Campout Tent City (BBMTCTC)! This daily update is to help keep some order over the next few days as the volume of people can sometimes lead to miscommunication or misunderstanding. Please take the time to peruse this handout when you receive it to keep yourself up to speed on the goings-on during your stay here in Tent City.
FOOD DISTRIBUTION TIMES/LOCATIONS
It’s important to eat while in Tent City to keep up your strength and immune systems. Please note the following distribution times for donated items.
Northeast Corner– 7 pm: Three pizzas (Papa Johns), first come first serve.
Mid-Tent-City– 8:15 pm: Grilled Hot Dogs/Chips, limit one per person.
East Wall, Memorial Coliseum – 9:05 pm: One half-eaten whopper, possible fries.
Southwest end of Basketball Courts – 10:16 pm: approx. 7-10 gummi bears, licked.
MARK HAS LOST HIS HACKEYSACK
Lost: One aqua/red hackeysack, printed with “Horde Tour 1996.” If found, please see Mark.
SOMEONE POOPED BEHIND THE TREE
While the line for the portable toilets can often become long, there’s no excuse for relieving one’s self in areas outside of this designated location. PLEASE if you see something, say something. This is a self-policing matter for now but action will be taken for those responsible. You know Carol, from the blue tent? Really nice? With the glasses? She stepped in it. Pooping behind the tree is not cool.
COUNCIL MEETING NOTES
During the Wednesday session of the Tent City Council held last night, members voted 14-10 to allow repaving of zones two and three to begin immediately. Also, registered voters living in Zone One will now vote at the green tent with the beige accents and no longer at the yellow tent with the red stripe. Redistricting maps are available at the orange tent with the brown top, ask for John. Gary Wolcomb addressed the Council concerning appropriate hours for Drake lyrics. Council closed with the Tent City Elementary School Choir performing “God Bless the USA.” Thanks to all who attended.
–Be my John Robic? Me: wearing a UK hat, sweatshirt, jeans, sneakers. You: wearing a UK hat, sweatshirt, jeans, sneakers. Passed you sometime yesterday. Would love to have you on my bench for a championship season of love. Call #4583
–Frenemies? You: Pushed me to the ground and stole my spot. Me: stabbed you in the eye with a tentpole. You: threw a Yeti cooler at my head and possibly broke my clavicle. Me: blacked out as blood pooled all over my shirt and the sirens of an ambulance arrived. Discharged this afternoon and back for more good times with you. Call #9585
JOBS DOWN 30% FROM WEDNESDAY
A poll released this morning suggests that Tent City employment is down nearly 30% from Wednesday evening, possibly owing to the shutdown of the bootleg Luke Bryan CD ring and Matt Sullivan running out of weed. Candidates for the Tent City Presidential Race on Friday night have weighed in, roundly promising to bring new jobs to Tent City in the forms of decorative UK sweater knitting, various Kentucky-themed candies and the manufacturing of little horses on the ends of pencils.
WALL TO BEGIN CONSTRUCTION
As approved by vote yesterday at 1:30 pm the dividing wall meant to keep Euclid residents from entering Tent City will begin construction tonight. Please see John in the orange tent for your mandated Tent City citizenship cards by 8:00 am tomorrow, anyone without a mandated Tent City citizenship card will be forced into the True Blue button mines until proof can be attained. Also, all people between the ages of 17-30 are required by law to sign up for the draft. Remember: Be the difference. Join the Tent City Navy Today.
DAILY LOTTERY TO BE HELD AT 3:00
Today’s daily lottery drawing will be held at 3:00 in Tent City Square. Please gather in an orderly line and draw your slips. As usual, if you draw the slip with the black spot, you will be stoned to death in front of your neighbors. That’s just how it’s always been here in Tent City. Remember, don’t poop behind the tree!