When we here at Funkhouser were divvying up the Oscar categories for this week, I knew the one I wanted. “Best Pictures,” I said, “that’s my bag, amigos. I’ve seen, like, three of them!”
“Cool,” Tomlin said, “except, I already wrote it.”
“Sure did, buddy. Sorry about that.”
Undeterred I’m all like, “I’m gonna write about diversity and like the #OscarsSoWhite! It’s so topical!”
“Nuh-uh, hombre. You late, you late, to that very important date.” Juckett really digs the white rabbit.
Category after category, it was the same. “We got that Kalan, guess you shouldn’t have switched to Fridays,” they said. Party food, board games, on and on and on. Peewee’s not even nominated; BLOCKED.
Lesson here, it’s hard to go viral if you’re assigned to Fridays. So, basically, you–my reader–are gonna have to help me out and get this shit trending. Welcome to:
Funkhouser Presents: Academy Awards for Best Sound Mixing
Ugggggghhhhhh….. that’s really the one that’s left? Guys?
Sweet. So, sound mixing is like the best mixing / levels of a film in a given year. I guess it’s like making sure that if someone’s breathing at the same time as someone else, like, one doesn’t sound louder than another? It’s that. (Am I wrong? Excoriate me on Twitter or Facebook! TREND ME.)
All of the nominees this year, uh, had sound. That bit it’s totally true, I’ve seen them all. Some were loud, some were quiet. Some were… tepid? I don’t know, what’s the word for having sound that’s right in the middle? Some had that. All in all, we heard them loud and clear. Let’s take a look at the 5 nominees in the order of their likelihood of winning.
5. The Martian (Paul Massey, Mark Taylor, and Mac Ruth)
Not much of, uh, sound significance happens in The Martian. If it’s awarded to the swarthy sound of Matt Damon’s voice, maybe. That part where he swoons over potatoes is quite swarthy. But, you know, it’s a space movie. I know not all movies (see: Star Wars) care about the properties of vacuums, but The Martian does. So there’s Damon’s voice and the sound of potatoes growing. Do those mix?
4. Bridge of Spies (Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom, and Drew Kunin)
Spies are quiet, you know. They have to be so they don’t get caught. So the sound is quiet and killer. When Tom Hanks talks above the quiet, ninja sound, it’s majestic. There’s some German in there, it’s mixed with English. They’re both sounds and they’re mixed together, which is what we’re doing.
These are kind of boring sounds though. If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that the sound of confrontation sounds so much better than the sound of compromise, which doesn’t help this movie. Thanks Donald!
3. The Revenant (Jon Taylor, Frank A. MontaÃ±o, Randy Thorn, and Chris Duesterdiek)
If a tree in the forest falls, does it make a sound? What if it’s, like, because a dude on a horse rides off of a cliff, and falls off of that cliff onto a tree, and the tree rips the horse apart, and the tree, it’s still there, but then dude has to sleep inside the squishy horse guts? That sounds soundy.
My god, there’s no way this is going viral. Who cares how loud the fire was vs. the sound of teeth going into the buffalo liver?
This category is the anti-viral. The better these people do their jobs, the less viral I can go! No one even notices it and then, my readers don’t care. No one’s going to retweet this.
2. Mad Max: Fury Road (Chris Jenkins, Gregg Rudloff, and Ben Osmo)
Many things go layered boom here. There’s lady boom, bad guy boom, guitar boom, vroom-vroom boom. Layering boom is probably a great way to get an Oscar. THE BOOMS ARE, LIKE, REPRESENTATIVE OF THE EXPLOSION OF FEMINISM. LET’S THINKPIECE BUZZFEED, I’M AVAILABLE!
1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Andy Nelson, Christopher Scarabosio, and Stuart Wilson)
There are lasers. Gun lasers, ship lasers. Pew Pew. Laser 1 is over laser 2 in proportion. Lasers can’t be beat right? The variety of lasers and the layer of lasers are a good measure how Hollywood has embraced cast diversity? Can we measure the decibels of each laser shot in the movies and confirm that, like, Han Solo’s lasers are the same decibel as Finn’s? If so, do I get viral for pointing that out? Maybe a Pulitzer? No? Oh. Can we at least viral me for a second? Please?
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