Good Morning readers! Hope you’re enjoying the Holiday Season! The Egg Nog, the reindeer costumes for your pets, your a**hole co-workers bringing in cake after cake, treat after treat after you’ve told them again and again that you’re “ON A DAMN DIET AND CAN’T BE EATING ALL THESE CARBS! But thank you for the thought.”
What really ties the days together, the long slog ’til that day you get presents, is the ubiquitous holiday music. It’s everywhere! It’s been everywhere since October, but it’s really shouldn’t be legal to listen to it before this week.
In that vein, your good friends here at Funkhouser have decided to put together a little holiday music list for you and by the end of the week you should have all the X-mas songs you’ll ever need! Without further ado, here are my top 10 Christmas songs!
10. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” by Dio
Even in his later years, Ronnie James Dio had the pipes and badassery to make one of the most metal Christmas song ever. If only Dio had made an entire holiday album, this list would’ve been really easy to fill.
9. “Jack’s Obsession” by Jack Skellington (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
There are a couple Christmas centric songs in The Nightmare Before Christmas. This one is my favorite because of all of the visuals with Jack using Math and Science books to try and “solve” Christmas, which is awesome. This is the method I use to solve everything.
8. “Christmas Country Style” by The Statler Brothers
I don’t have a great reason for this song. Maybe it’s that after being forced to listen to Statler Brothers Christmas Albums every year of my childhood, I grew to like this song. It’s got great banjo. But I’m not ruling out Musical Stockholm Syndrome.
7. “The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al Yankovic
There are so many good Weird Al Christmas songs, so this was really difficult. Honestly, though, what’s better than the mental image of a “big, fat, drunk, disgruntled, Yuletide Rambo?”
6. “Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy” by Buck Owens
This is a far, far superior version of the theme touched on by “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” Plus it’s Buck Owens, Don Rich, and the rest of the Buckaroos. If only they had sequin Christmas suits, this might be the best thing ever.
5. “Christmastime in Hell” by Satan (South Park)
(The link above, just to make sure you saw, is super NSFW) This, like most things by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, is absolutely irreverent, absolutely inappropriate, absolutely offensive, and absolutely hilarious.
4. “Old Toy Trains” by Roger Miller
Have you noticed that I have a thing for country singer’s Christmas songs? This song is great, sweet, nostalgic and by one of my favorite artists of all time. With all of the great country songs on my list, the only thing that would be better would be a song called “Drunk on Christmas” by George Jones. That doesn’t exist does it?
3. “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley
In addition to this being one of the great Christmas songs ever, this particular performance is made great by all of the ladies around the stage continually screaming and going ga-ga over Elvis singing Christmas songs in leather. Still one of the greatest voices of all time, just an all-time classic song. (There’s also a great version sung by Johnny Cash and the Statler Brothers.)
2. “Ding-A-Ling: The Christmas Bell” by Conway Twitty & the Twitty Bird
This, like most Conway Twitty songs, might be the most ridiculous song on the list. Also, it’s #2 of all time. I don’t know what it is about Conway Twitty but no matter how much I know that the songs are bad/creepy/annoying (SHUT UP TWITTY BIRD!)/etc., I can’t stop listening. Cookies are always better at Christmastime, tho.
1. “Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” by Bing Crosby & David Bowie
Because even a grinch like me can get sentimental from time to time. Merry Christmas everybody!