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Ten Embarrassing Things the NSA Would Have Learned About Me If They Hacked My iPhone


Last week, it was widely reported that the National Security Agency used a program called DROPOUT JEEP to gain seemingly unfettered access to iPhones, including voicemails, text messages, location data and even the ability to remotely activate the camera and microphone. Obviously, this is cause for great concern among iPhone users. To demonstrate just how intrusive this snooping has the potential to be, here are 10 terribly embarrassing things the NSA would have learned about me if they used their superspy tools to hack my iPhone.

  1. I have seven different health and fitness apps on my phone, but I never open any of them.
  2. I take a lot of photos of shows and live sporting events on TV in a desperate attempt to post something timely and relatable on Twitter.
  3. I am terrible at Candy Crush, even worse at Bejeweled, and I frequently use Scrabble cheat sites when playing Words with Friends.
  4. I have 214 contacts in my phone, more than half of which are for restaurants that deliver food or services that will bring me food from restaurants that don’t deliver.
  5. My most used emoji? The smiling pile of excrement with googly eyes.
  6. I force my Labrador to pose for photos while dressed in human clothing so often that it’s amazing he hasn’t intentionally run into oncoming traffic to commit doggie hari-kari.
  7. Last month, I spent 17 hours on Google trying to figure out what is being advertised by the online ad (you’ve probably seen it on KSR at least once) that says 250 million Americans are infected with an affliction of which symptoms include “a white-coated tongue, constipation or diarrhea, and genital itching” (research that I tell people is for a friend, but is really for me).
  8. On more than one occasion, I’ve used the app to look up words like “poop deck” with the sole intention of forcing its audio pronunciation tool to read the words out loud for my amusement.
  9. I use my phone’s calculator to solve math problems that the average seventh grader could probably solve in his head.
  10. Some of the questions I’ve asked Siri would make my doctor gag, my mother cry, and my priest run screaming.


Article written by S.E. Shepherd

I'm a writer from out West living in the South.