William Oakes <[email protected]>
to Group: IDEA MEN
All Right Boys,
I know that none of you were able to come up with a pitch for an original story, so we’re back to square one. We’ve already got a bunch of sequels lined up, so I think we need to start scouring our brains for something new to adapt. My idea, so your idea now, is that we jump on the FOX bandwagon and start to develop board and card games into films, like they’re doing with Magic: The Gathering. Now I know you boys aren’t too well endowed in the grey matter department so I’ll go ahead and tell you we’re not going to reboot Clue, Dungeons & Dragons, or Battleship. All fine films already.
What I want from the four of you, by tomorrow, is a short pitch for a card or board game to develop into a summer blockbuster. Also, we don’t have to set anything in stone, but I want each of you to provide a short list of the actors/actresses that you want to cast in the movie. GET THESE TO ME ASAP.
President and CEO, Lame Ass Studios
Dr. Cornelius Macaque <[email protected]>
My Good Dr. Oakes,
After much market research, I have determined that our most prudent option would be to produce a film version of Barrel of Monkeys. Imagine, if you will, a desolate, post apocalyptic world a la Planet of the Apes. Onto this stage is introduced our hero, a dashing Macaque named Cee-Cee. Cee-Cee and 11 other monkeys will be shown living their normal lives; eating bananas at a posh banana stand; grooming one another while they stare at their computers and iPads doing their monkey business; flinging poo.
Shortly into the film, Cee-Cee and friends will wake up to find themselves in a dark, Sartre-esque space. Much like the film Saw they will have little idea why they are all there. A voice will let them know that they are in a barrel, in a tree on the edge of a cliff on a remote island. The voice will tell them that unless they work together, hooking arm to arm to lower themselves out of the barrel to get a distress signal remote, then they will all die.
Cee-Cee and the others will have to overcome their obstacles and their own egos to save their own lives… and bananas. We can get a swinging deal with Chiquita for ads, certainly. I don’t think there’s a doubt that we have to cast Andy Serkis as Cee-Cee. His ape-credentials are impeccable. I’m also seeing Gary Busey, who would probably work for bananas. If we could convince him (I mean, he did Clash of the Titans, right?) Liam Neeson would be a fantastic addition.
Dr. Cornelius Macaque
Clifford J. Studebaker <[email protected]>
I sure hope that I’m using this electronic mail contraption correct ’cause I’ve got one helluva great idea! I was thinking about all the games I loved to play when I was a yonker. Growin’ up during the Depression, there weren’t a lot to play with so we liked to use trash and our imaginations. The perfect mixture of the two was, of course, Kick the Can!
So imagine we’re on an Oklahoma farm in the 1930’s. We’ll have a family who can’t pay the note on the farm, with a kid played by that nice little boy from the Hobbit movie, the kid without a beard. His father, who I’m seeing as played by that Don Draper fella, will be an alcoholic who beats his kids. He’s a lazy drunk, but he’s got a heart of gold, you know. So the bank will come to take the family farm, but they’ll make a deal with the family that if they can beat the bank at a game of Kick the Can, they can keep the farm. Now I don’t quite remember how ya play the game, but they’ll kick some cans you know. They’ll lose the game and the little kid’ll start to cry when some angel comes down from heaven and convinces the bank not to foreclose.
Seems like a perfect script to me. Also, do you think we can get that Liam Neeson to be the angel, or the bank guy. Oh, or both? Maybe the bank guy can be the angel! Capra eat your heart out!
Your Obedient Servant,
Clifford J. Studebaker
Ernest Shackleton IV <[email protected]>
Oakes, Old Chap,
I’ve been twirling over a few ideas in my head giving great thought to the subject, whilst sipping grog in the hold of my dinghy, Nimrod. Nimrod, of course, was the name of one of the Antarctic faring vessels of my great-grandfather. This led me to believe that there could be no better, no more heroic, no more harrowing adventure than Don’t Break the Ice: The Movie.
Think about it. The Earth is melting, the caps are going, and Miami’s gonna be a swamp in 20 years. So we pick up an Antarctic research team out on an expedition. They get trapped by a polar bear while out on the ice shelf and it stands between them and safety. With only their hammers to protect them, they have to race against time, the climate, and an angry family of polar bears to save their own lives.
These roles would require a beardly man, so I’m thinking that Galifinakis character might be in order. Or at least someone with some gravitas. Is Liam Neeson available?
Ernest Shackleford IV
Jonathan Ratzionne <[email protected]>
Buon Giorno Signor Oakes,
I stayed up all day and all night. Then this morning, as my hangover was setting in, I read that e-mail you sent us last night. Not sure that Amaretto sours do much good for movie pitches, but I thought of a game this morning. It was the only game I could think of, actually. What do you think about… YAHTZEE!: The Movie?!?!
It could be about a Guido, a made man, Luigiani Marionetti in Vegas. He’ll like, lose all his money playing high stakes Rummi or something and have a hit put out on him. Then, he’ll get like, one more chance to save his own life and he’ll have to enter a like, super-high stakes game of Yahtzee! at the Western. There’ll be like a bunch of dice guys and what not. There’ll be like, the special pair of dice that his Sicilian grandfather might’ve hand-crafted or something back in the old country. He’ll win, I guess, and like they’ll off some people and what not. It’ll be pretty killer.
I’m thinkin’ Aaron Paul for the lead, he’s pretty in right now. Kate Upton for the chick, ’cause Va-VA-VA-VOOM! If yah know what I mean, hohoohheeaahh yeah! And can we get us some Liam Neesons action goin’ on? Leave me a voicemail if you’re gonna move forward with it, because I’m going to need to drink some Vitamin Water and pop a couple tylenol before I can go outside.
William Oakes <[email protected]>
to Group: IDEA MEN
These are the worst ideas I’ve ever heard. Cliff, Kick the Can isn’t even a board or a card game? Can you listen? I swear you must be the worst, lollygaggin-ist bunch of low lifes on the damn planet. Your ideas are terrible and you’re ALL FIRED!
Scratch the last bit. This is what we’ve got. They’re all green lit, contact Liam Neeson’s agent.