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Pop Culture Horoscope

Here’s a fun fact, horoscopes are silly. Here’s another fun fact, we read them anyway.  Regardless of whether the moon is in transit or some celestial body is in retrograde, your predicted future is probably easier to foresee through your pop culture diet than a small window of dates on the calendar. With the help of some simple channel surfing and digital/”divine” intervention we’ve identified what the universe has in store for you by reading the signs from what you’ve most recently watched.

The NBA Finals

A wave of entitlement is coming your way.  While others were debating ridiculous hypotheticals, you managed to consistently maintain your correct opinion.   Until the next NBA season, you will reap the benefits of remaining smug while ultimately arguing with those who are basically saying the same thing.  Don’t shy away from the debate, iron sharpens iron and whatnot.

The Bachelorette

You have a firm grasp on your future and the remote! Enjoy these moments of “me time.”  Life can get hectic but finding ways to decompress and center yourself are essential. Mark your calendar for June 12th.  This will be a day when something you’ve been waiting for returns.

The Mummy

Take a moment  to do a post-mummy “audit.” It may be time to “go clear.”  Today, focus on the thousands of past lives that you’ve lived. Feel free to isolate yourself from those you love and embrace the new mate the church has found for you.

Did this horoscope resonate with you? If so, you’ve been Cruised. You’re a Scientologist now. Please see Katie Holmes for any help with canceling your membership.

The Game of Thrones Trailer

Today, you may find that your patience is wearing thin. Anxious anticipation is brewing in your gut. You find yourself reminded of stories from long ago. Eggs in your fridge remind you of hatching dragons and your pet dog seems to understand more than you thought. Now is not the time for looking backwards.  Use this time to get caught up on previously neglected tasks because after July 16th, your agenda may get more full.

Twin Peaks

Things may feel a bit confusing and odd today, as if everything were played backwards on a record player. Every moment might have an ominous and erratic tinge to it. Today, you’ll be reminded how comforting it is to reminisce with old friends and memories.

House of Cards

Embrace your urges to get an asymmetrical dress and smart haircut. Feel free to voice your opinion as an aside during any given conversation. Trust me, this your time to be ruthless and eat a rack of ribs.

 

Jeff Sessions Testimony 

Heads up!  During this time you will feel extra sensitive. Your mantra for this summer: opinions don’t count unless they are tweeted.  This cycle will be guaranteed to help you attract (and repel!) friends.  Coupling with the House of Cards sign might make an interesting romantic pair!

 

It’s hard  to imagine that these predictions could be less than 100% accurate at least 50% of the time.

Article written by Megan Suttles

I can't decide if I want to use this space to be witty or insightful. I guess it will be neither.