Hey! Do you want to host an amazing holiday party that would make Martha Stewart jealous? Of course you do. Here’s a step by step guide…
Send out invitations that are equal parts festive and suspiciously vague. You want there to be an air of mystery surrounding your holiday party that one could cut with a gingerbread man shaper. You might want to suggest to your guests that there will be a fantastical holiday event taking place; for instance, you could gain 50lbs in a week, grow out a beard and tell everyone you’ve turned into Santa Claus a la “The Santa Claus” starring Tim Allen. On the cards write:
- Santa Claus will be attending.
- Watch out, the sidewalk is slick!
Hire a local Santa Claus impersonator, have him arrive in front of everyone (lock your guests out and pretend not to be home for the first 30 minutes of the party to ensure a good percentage of the party has arrived to witness the spectacle) have him walk up your sidewalk and stage a devastating tumble. Enlist a friend who’s part of an EMS team to come out and pronounce Santa dead, and walk out of your house with your chub, beard, red suit, and hat. Everyone will be shocked you’ve not only been home the whole time, but delighted they’re now attending THE Santa Claus’s Christmas Party!
In order to appropriately host, you’ll need to get adequately drunk. You want your holiday party to be one that every attendee will remember, but as host, your job is to be appropriately entertaining, and it will likely be a party you quickly forget. A lot of party planning articles will suggest “Cocktails that are out of this world”! But you don’t want to be playing bartender all night, so just get a keg from Costco, and brush the tap with some nutmeg or something festive. Kirkland Light + some holiday spice = low hassle, cheap, and evokes memories of Christmases past.
Prep Talking Points
Make sure you’re ready to have the holiday conversations your friends and family want to have. People are going to talk about the “war on Christmas”, so brush up on foreign policy. The toy factory at the North Pole is locked down. Our greatest minds have been working around the clock for years trying to find it, and they haven’t come close (you have it on particularly good authority, being Santa Claus and all). So long as the North Pole holds, there’s nothing to worry about, it’s very hard to take over something you can’t find. At any rate, we can’t be robbed of the Christmas in our hearts, and is anyone really trying to get people to stop saying, “Merry Christmas”? Say it, and find your freedom preserved.
Set The Mood
Designate a day in the week prior to your party to picking out an “atmospheric fireplace” from Netflix or your preferred streaming service. Netflix offers a litany of options, from a fire that crackles to Christmas songs, to a fire that crackles by itself. You could, of course, build a REAL fire in your living room, but we wouldn’t recommend it without a fireplace. Consider your options, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Which artificial fire are my guests going to want to warm themselves by?”. I can’t tell you which fireplace to choose, because each holiday gathering is unique, and you know better than I do what your guests will like. Just know this decision is important, and many guests will judge your party on the character of the artificial fireplace selected alone.
Ask For Help
Pit your family members against one another by suggesting to everyone they’ll be your “go-to” person during the party. This will ensure you have plenty of help if you should need it, and you will. Assuming you’ve followed this guide to a T, you’ll have just assumed the duties of Santa Claus, will be considerably drunk, and likely exhausted from considering fireplace choices; you’ll be virtually useless. Holiday chaos will ensue, as you watch Aunt Karen and Uncle Joe fight over who gets to do the dishes, and who waited longest to take a plate of food. (As the host you should always help yourself to the first plate, but we could write a whole other article on general party-hosting etiquette).
Prepare a Speech
Before people sit down to enjoy roast beast or whatever, they expect a good talking to about the past year, the state of the family/friend group present, and the future. Make sure you research and rehearse your speech, and have it written down so that when you’re really feeling the cheer, you can still deliver. Feel free to pepper in non-sequiturs that will remind folks of the great speeches in history, and confuse them into thinking your speech might also be great:
“Four score and seven years ago, I wasn’t born. But as a vague idea my parents (maybe) had, I loved Christmas…”
“I have a dream, you all will remember this as the greatest Christmas gathering of your Christmas-gathering-going career!…”
“…Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this spread!”
Remember What it’s all About
At the end of the day, Christmas isn’t about the party, it’s not about the presents, it’s about a little baby boy being born in a manger, because there was no room in the inn. To demonstrate to your guests YOU remember, you should advertise your venue as a makeshift maternity ward available (insert date of your party). You won’t have babies born in mangers! There’s always room in your inn. Institute an open door policy, and designate a few of your “go-tos” to try to flag people in off the street (whoever can bring in the most people wins your undying love and affection).
Wind it Down
Trying to execute the perfect holiday party can be tiring, to say the least. Before the party, book a hotel room in a nearby location, and as the night starts to fizzle out, stay ahead of the awkward monotony of being at a party that’s determined itself over by being the first to leave. Suggest to guests that you, “Really ought to be getting back to the North Pole.” and, “Mrs. Claus will be worried.”. Apologize quickly to your wife, Deborah of ten years. She understands, she’s seen “The Santa Claus 2”. A Santa needs a Mrs. Claus, everyone knows that. Deborah took your last name, and that’s where she messed up. Escape to your hotel room, leaving your guests with puzzled faces and some hearty “ho ho ho’s” and rest easy on the fitted sheets knowing you threw a holiday party your guests will never forget. Suggest another friend/family member host next year, and dream of sugarplums, or whatever you fancy. You did a great job.