[Author’s Note: In case the following isn’t obvious enough, the season premiere of Parks and Recreation is tonight at 8 on NBC, and I’m happy because my favorite TV comedy is back. It’s also fun to talk smack about other shows…or have imaginary people do it for me…]
Ron Swanson says, “Avoid Airplane Repo on the Discovery Channel.”
I do not like to watch television. Everything on television is a waste of time except for John Wayne movies, Indiana Hoosiers* basketball games, and Antiques Roadshow (only when they’re talking about furniture, and only after I’ve had a few glasses of Lagavulin). Those things are not on at 8:00 tonight, so there is nothing worth watching. So get off the couch and go build something with your hands, son. Woodworking is on the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness, right between Weapons and Welfare Avoidance. One thing that’s not on the Pyramid of Greatness is Airplane Repo, whatever the hell that is.
[*Author’s note: To this Kentucky fan, Ron Swanson’s IU loyalism is by far his least appealing character trait.]
Tom Haverford says, “The Big Bang Theory on CBS is not dope.”
Hello lovely ladies (and men), Tom Haverford here. I’m just going to say it. I hate The Big Bang Theory. Every dude on that show looks like the junior high kids who frequent my fine business establishment, Rent-A-Swag, except I’m pretty sure my customers have more game. When I want to be slightly entertained by a huge nerd who talks about stuff nobody cares about, I just ask my co-worker Ben Wyatt which version of Star Trek was best. Or something about Joss Whedon – man, that really gets Ben going. I’m pretty sure he writes Firefly fan fiction in his spare time. Ben’s a huge nerd.
Ben Wyatt says, “You won’t miss anything if you skip Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on ABC.”
Well, first, this is just a repeat showing of Tuesday night’s debut episode, so you’ve probably already seen it. It’s still on our DVR, so no spoilers please. But it’s like I was telling Leslie the other day – I’m a little worried about the show’s fidelity to Marvel’s origin stories, and I just don’t think a show with a TV budget can have revolutionary special effects that live up to the high bar set by the Avengers movies. But of course I’ll watch Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. eventually. Joss Whedon is such a genius. I wish I could buy him a calzone and pick his brain about what he’d actually do with a Firefly reunion. I bet his ideas are a lot like the ones I’ve been exploring in my fan fiction.
Donna Meagle says, “Record The X Factor on Fox, watch it later, and fast forward past Simon Cowell’s busted ass.”
The X Factor is OK, but Simon Cowell gets on my last nerve. He’s the only white British guy in the world with a high-top fade, and it’s not a good one. And don’t even get me started on those T-shirts and that chest hair. Simon, you’re rich. It’s time to have a Treat Yo Self Day for some wardrobe expansion and a body grooming session. Kelly Rowland is my girl though, and Mario Lopez…DAMN. He can get it.
Andy Dwyer says, “That 49ers-Rams game on NFL Network is gonna suuuuck!”
Hi, everyone, this is Andy Dwyer, aka Andy Radical. You can go ahead and forget about that 49ers-Rams game tonight. Don’t get me wrong, I love football. I played linebacker in high school, I spent a lot of time playing Madden instead of going to class during my half a semester in college, and I was totally going to get two turtles and name them Peyton and Marvin a few years ago but my roommate Burley couldn’t have pets in his apartment. Oh, and I wore a Reggie Wayne jersey when I got wedded to the most awesome woman in the world, April Roberta Ludgate. So, based on all this evidentiary evidence, it’s clear why you don’t need to watch tonight’s game – because the Colts aren’t playing. Kaepernick is probably still crying after that beatdown put on him by the Colts defense a few days ago, so he’ll probably throw like 12 interceptions anyway. Boring! P.S. Mouserat rules!