It’s guilty pleasure week here at Funkhouser and what should have been a simple theme became less so because… well, I have too many. Oft times what’s considered “guilty” is code for feminine, outside of The Expendables Ocho or Cops: Kate Upton Suits Up; here’s a sampling of my own temptresses–Ellen, Miley, Scott Disick punching mirrors, UK soap Skins, knowing you were trouble when you walked in, Mean Girls, Lana Del Rey,
pregnancy porn, shoplifting with Winona Ryder, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey’s combined superhuman offspring, on and on…..
But the worst one of all, my most shameful/shameless/shamesloth of afflictions–the celebrity BFF.
As with most things, I blame the Internet.
From Cleopatra to Suri Cruise, we’ve always been obsessed with “celebrity”, but in the tech age, we not only have access via OK! Magazine and Stalker Weekly, but Just Jared, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, like… they may even have Tinder, who knows? Kylie Jenner may totally ask to chat with you on there someday. I once was on Chat Roulette with Joe Jonas–true story (not a true story).
We don’t just want to emulate or live the lifestyle of our favorite celebrities, get plastic surgery to look more like Jenn Aniston, no–we want to be their besties. Take selfies with them, share Ben & Jerry’s, play never have I ever with them.
Most importantly–friendship necklaces.
Here’s my worst guilty pleasures, my most addictive of substances. My fangirl crushes.
Ellie Goulding — the Instagram Bestie
Her life is more fun than mine, and she lets me know it. Ellie Goulding–pop star, former beaux of Skrillex, every member of One Direction, is one of the most active celebrities on social media. Girl posts a pic on Instagram, which shows up automatically on her Twitter feed for those of us too dull to have Instagram,* (me) and 17 million likes and 4 million comments later–it’s on every gossip rag in the universe.
She’s doing their jobs for them.
With a voice like an angel is sleeping on her tongue, a rocking hot bod, crazy extensions (girl, that hair ain’t real), a kickass British accent, and more hipster cred than any electropop star that’s danced in a field for the duration of every music video–Ellie Goulding feels like my bestie. I mean… look at all of the intimate moments she’s shared with me. She’s posted pics of herself in cat pajamas JUST FOR ME.
Ugh – NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theater again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered "inappropriate"
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 14, 2013
Anna Kendrick — the Twitter Pal
Dear parents that I meet, I know that sigh, and before you even say it, I'm very very sorry that your child won't stop doing Cups.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) August 20, 2013
This is my social media machine. No, I don’t have a lot of followers and am annoying and not very good at it, but it’s the only one I feel truly connected to/have. And Anna Kendrick, I know it’s not right, but I feel truly connected to you as well. Guiltily so. Just like your love for Taco Bell. Of course I watched that interview, are you kidding?
She’s one of the finest celebs on the most direct line of communication between fans and celebs, whether it be twittering about awkwardness, alcohol, awkwardness, Aubrey Plaza, did I say awkwardness, other A words, or Newcastle Super Bowl ads that didn’t get made, I feel like we really get each other.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 26, 2013
If I could get in the middle of this…. wow, that sounded wildly inappropriate. The only Twitter couple >>>>>Sir Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen.
Jennifer Lawrence — the YouTube All-Pro
THE measuring stick of celebrity–spilling a tin of Altoids makes national news.
I realize that I took the easy way out, picking a guilty pleasure that’s basically just Buzzfeed, but hey, I’m not cool enough for jazz, so here we are.
Jennifer Lawrence is a fangirl’s dream, wish, hope, and prayer–she drives the Internet, the YouTubes, the Tumblrs; I’m not going to get into posting too much J Law nonsense here as it’s been done WAY too much. Like seriously, even I may be beginning to feel the J Law oversaturation effect–somewhat.
What truly blew J Law up was obviously the Oscars–from tripping her way to the stage to the “I just took a shot” confessional in her press conference interview–she sealed the deal as America’s sweetheart.
Her YouTube fame went from an (albeit large) cult following to legend within the evening–interview admissions of excitable urination, stalking John Stamos, hiding butt plugs under a hotel bed have only fed the fangirl flames, and my undying devotion to the J Law.
The soundtrack to Pitch Perfect can’t be the backdrop to every workday; sometimes I just need another Jennifer Lawrence funny moments compilation video #7 to get to 5 o’clock.
Perhaps we’re best friends now? Now? NOW?!!!
Thanks for deceiving me Internet. Guess I don’t have any celebrity friends or any real friends.
Guess this was inevitable.