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Movie Posters Explained By Kids: Winter 2016-17 Edition

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In this Funkhouser series, I conduct spontaneous interviews with my daughters, “A” age 10 and “E” age 7, where they are shown an image of a theatrical movie poster and asked to share their insight in an attempt to decipher the forthcoming feature film’s plot.

Welcome to “Movie Posters Explained By Kids”.


Anonymous (December 2016)

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A:   “It’s a movie about a guy who keeps sending scary messages to people, and he gets so involved in it, the computer takes him over and he actually becomes the computer.”
E:   “He makes dare videos, or plays these games on people for a long time, like 99 months or like 100 hours.”

Best and Most Beautiful Things (December 2016)

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A:  “About a girl that’s blind who has a really hard time in life because she’s blind, and she’s really pretty too, but people cant see that.”

Sugar Mountain (December 2016)

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A:  “People who travel up the mountain, but it’s a trick, because it only has gold, jewels, diamonds and gems–not sugar!”
E:  “People that travel together and they all have cavities.  They find gold on Sugar Mountain, and they take it–it’s enough gold to pay to fix their cavities, but they don’t because they’re rotten.  The people…and the teeth.  So they betray each other and at the end everyone died because the mountain was cursed.”

The Brand New Testament (December 2016)

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A:  “Looks like it’s about a family, and they go on a really wild ride and find a gorilla.”
E:  “The family went on a vacation somewhere, but they were really all dead the whole time and they meet a gorilla in Heaven.  Now they can talk to the gorilla in like gorilla talk, but he’s mad because the family starts to get on his nerves because they’re complaining a lot–like about being dead–so he makes them come alive again.”

All We Had (December 2016)

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E:  “She needs a nap.” 
A:  “Girl that lost everything.  Maybe her family, her house, her bed, her car…and all that.”

Three Days in August (December 2016)

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A:  “The three most important days that happened in that month–the third day was special because either something good or bad is going to happen.”
E:  “Someone finds a nest and they get three wishes.  When the eggs hatch–watch out!”

Live By Night (January 2017)

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A:  “A detective movie, and he’s looking for some weird people but he’s kidnapped…”
E:  “It’s about…”
A:  “Hold up!  Dad, is this a remake of that stupid movie you made us watch?  The guy with the yellow hat and coat?  Not the guy that takes care of Curious George, whatever his name is.  He fights all those ugly people?  What was that called?  Ugh, I hated that movie.”

The Bye Bye Man (January 2017)

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A:  “Ooh he’s scary.  About this dead monster guy and like people who dream bad dreams, so he snatches them and writes on them so they remember what they dreamed about.”
E:  “A man who’s a monster who comes only in the morning time and says “bye bye”.  Then you’re dead.  I had a bad dream last night.  There was a great white, hammerheads, tiger sharks, reef sharks, bull sharks…they were all there.  They started chasing me.  It’s ’cause I saw The Shallows trailer!!  Why did you let me watch that?!?”
A:  “Dad, my friends have all seen it–it’s not that scary.  She’s being a baby!”

A Dogs Purpose (January 2017)

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A:  “He loves his owner and how he once saved his owner’s life.  Probably sad.”
E:  “It’s a nice dog, but he poops and pees everywhere.  He’s thinking, this is mine…mine…that’s mine–marking his territory.  That’s his plan.  That’s his purpose.”

Fifty Shades Darker (February 2017)

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E:  “A grown up girl, who’s like fifty years old, and she’s bad.  She dressed up for a costume party and ended up killing someone to stay young.”
A:  “A girl who went to a party and meets someone there.  He’s trying to kill her by making her darker by putting evil into her.”

Cure For Wellness (February 2017)

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A:  “Someone who isn’t very happy and they need a happiness cure.  Oh it’s rated R–that looks good.”
E:  “An old man who sells bad medicine–it’s actually fake–tastes like root-beer.  He puts a live fairy in the bottle.  He caught the fairy with a net because he’s fast–well sort of–I mean he’s an old man–so he’s very slow, but he’s also kinda quick.  Probably ’cause the medicine.  Oh would you like some medicine to cure that?  Oh, I have just the thang!”

Article written by Matthew Mahone

Follow me on Twitter @M_E_Mahone