In this Funkhouser series, I conduct spontaneous interviews with my daughters, “A” age 11 and “E” age 8, where they are shown an image of a theatrical movie poster and asked to share their insight in an attempt to decipher the forthcoming feature film’s plot.
Welcome to Movie Posters Explained by Kids.
Ghost in the Shell (March 31)
A: About this girl who goes to the beach one day and she finds a seashell. She opens it, and it transforms her into a ghost.
E: A girl that maybe gets turned into a ghost, and then she’s a human again, then a ghost, then back to a human. She’s actually stuck inside her computer, and someone is turning it on, off, on, off…!
Going in Style (April 6)
A: Oh, the movie is about these grandpas who are trying to be really cool, so they’re being bad so that people will think they’re cool and pay attention to them. They dress all cool. They have guns, money, and stuff. They teach the cool kids it’s not that bad to be old.
The Transfiguration (April 7)
A: About this guy who’s fine during the day–he turns into a monster at night. Either because it’s natural, or because he’s bitten by something or probably poisoned or maybe possessed.
E: He turns into a monster, because he’s been hanging around his friends–who are real monsters.
Gifted (April 7)
A: Might be about someone who’s really talented at something, and she’s got this special gift to do something for someone in her life.
E: That girl–she’s really special to her dad, or her parents, and she gets a lot of gifts from them because she’s really spoiled.
1 Mile To You (April 7)
A: Someone who wants to see someone so bad, and they’ll do anything to see them.
Colossal (April 7)
A: I think it’s about this monster who’s nice and the monster helps the girl or the girl helps the monster. Together they save the world–says it right there on the poster.
E: A girl who has a cool shadow that does the same things she does.
The Lost City of Z (April 21)
A: These kids who travel around a lot–it’s sorta like Narnia maybe–they’re looking for this place. Like Narnia, they look inside a closet and find this lost city–and the adventure begins.
E: Was there a fire?
A: Sleep! Sleep! Get it? Z. Like Z…Z…Z.
E: Yeah, someone casted a spell on them, and they’ve been asleep the whole time. Or the townspeople created a tonic that poisoned everyone so they couldn’t wake up, but someone does.
The Circle (April 28)
E: These people who go into a circle maze and try to get out of it, but other people are trying to keep them inside and they barely get out–but they do.
A: Spoiler alert geez!
A: They get lost–but in their minds.
Snatched (May 12)
A: Hmmm. Skip it. The movie, I mean.
E: Two sisters and they don’t like one another. Never have, never will.
Everything, Everything (May 19)
E: They miss each other because they’re really good friends but there’s a mirror…
A: Maybe they’re in another dimension!
E: Both of them are in different places, but they really want to see each other. Looks sad.
Alien: Covenant (May 19)
A: About aliens and they crash into Earth, and they’re stuck underground for a million years. In the future, two people are messing around in a graveyard, and they dig up that egg and decide to crack it open. Nothing’s inside, so they take it home and then, like something comes out of it, and it terrorizes everyone.
E: There’s these Alienbusters, kinda like Ghostbusters, that try to kill the aliens but everyone dies and it’s not very funny and really gross and scary.
Baywatch (May 26)
A: Hey, is that the Rock!?! The Rock! I like The Rock. People who are lifeguards, but they’re really bad at their jobs and really, really, greasy and tan. Aw man, The Rock!
E: Who’s Rock?
It Comes at Night (June 9)
E: People have to keep this little dog on a leash in the backyard, because they bought it, but it became really mean and it will attack anything and everything. I don’t think the owners were mean, it was just born that way. Or…or…someone uses a pet wolf to hunt for clowns at night, like the ones on the news.
The Book of Henry (June 16)
E: Two boys, one who’s small and one that’s taller make things–like inventions. Like they create them first on their chalkboard, like from their drawings or from the things they study.
A: A boy and his best friend, a robot who wears a sweater, find this place, like they uncover a mystery, that someone was working on, but the person died before they could uncover what it was–and they’re going to finish the quest.
Amityville: The Awakening (June 30)
A: Hey is that Bella Thorne?
E: This girl moves into a new house–oh it’s haunted for sure! She finds all these clues and discovers there’s a monster. Then she tries to tell her parents, but they don’t believe her and don’t listen to her, so the monster attacks them, and she ends up being the only one left and has to survive without her parents inside that scary house forever and ever.