I am Returning to This Pick-Up Basketball Game on the 8-foot Rims
Hello, everyone. Is it great to see that you all are still here enjoying a friendly game of pick-up basketball on the court with the lowered rims. I admit, it is a little disheartening to learn that many of you didn’t even realize I was gone, despite the fact that I left over an hour ago and you’ve been playing 5-on-4 ever since. Regardless, it is with great excitement that I announce I intend to return to the court to finish the game.
After Tony pulled down my shorts in front of everyone, I was sure my time on the 8-foot rims was done. I yanked up my britches, gathered my things, and quietly left the rec center. As I drove home, I couldn’t help but think about the negative impact my absence would have on my teammates on the “Shirts” team. Earlier this afternoon when I was selected last to compete in this game, I made a promise to myself that I would use the opportunity to prove my doubters wrong. For too long I have been labeled “gangly,” “uncoordinated,” and “lacking any athletic ability whatsoever.” I viewed this meaningless game as my chance to face those criticisms head-on. Although at the time of my departure my stat line — which I meticulously tracked in my head — read zero points, zero rebounds, zero assists, and a seemingly impossible 9 personal fouls, I know in my heart of hearts that my enthusiasm and leadership were invaluable to the team.
Like many of you, playing on the main court with regulation 10-foot rims has always been a dream of mine. But I want to make sure that I’m ready for the challenge before I make that jump. By coming back and competing against you guys on the Dunkball Court, I’ll gain invaluable experience and have the chance to prepare my game and my body for the next level. That said, in order for me to turn that dream into a reality, I have to insist that you stop setting illegal moving screens on me (especially from my left side, since you know my peripheral vision is less than optimal out of that eye) and refrain from purposely trying to block my shots in such a way that the ball is jammed violently back into my shooting hand, greatly increasing the likelihood I suffer another dislocated finger.
To the fans who have watched this game from the start, I want to say thank you for your support. Although I am a bit disappointed in the fact that so many of you felt the need to post pictures of me with my shorts around my ankles to your various social media accounts. I understand that it’s not my place to ask you to please, for the love of God, delete those photos and help me retain a final, tattered shred of dignity. So let’s just agree to let bygones be bygones. At the end of the day, you are truly the best Rec League fans in the world, and I am honored to play in front of you.
So as I double-knot my shoes and make sure my shorts are tied extra-tight, I am honored to once again represent Shirts Nation. Let’s go! #NoMoreBlindsideScreens
I Will Be Returning to This Chair
Listen up, fellas. I am extremely excited to announce that I will be returning to this chair after I finish using the bathroom. As it became apparent that I would soon need to get up from my seat to go answer nature’s call, I thought long and hard about my future seating choices. There’s no denying that the couch is an extremely appealing destination with a variety of potential throw pillow configurations and, honestly, I’m honored that it would even consider hosting my rear end while I finish watching this Dog with a Blog marathon. But I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last 30 minutes, and if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I was born to sit in this chair.
As a boy, I dreamed of plopping down into the overstuffed comfort of a high-end leather recliner, and having the opportunity to continue to sit in a chair of this caliber is simply too much for me to pass up. While my ultimate goal is to one day sit on that couch, I know it will be there when I’m ready to make a change. For now, though, I look forward to returning to this chair and representing Team La-Z-Boy after I drain the main vein. SAME SEAT!
I’m Returning to This Relationship
Thank you for agreeing to meet me during your work break, Mary. Although the parking lot of Outback Steakhouse on a busy Sunday evening wasn’t my first choice of venue for this press conference, I did not want to delay this announcement any longer.
After weeks of soul searching and careful consideration, I am thrilled to announce that I am willing to return to this relationship and resume our status as a couple. I realize this may come as a complete shock to you, seeing as you were very clear in letting me know you never wished to speak to me again, let alone rekindle the flame of our relationship that you so suddenly and definitively snuffed out. But I believe there is unfinished business between us. And more importantly, I want to have another opportunity to accomplish one of my primary individual goals, which is to not attend Prom by myself.
Over the last month, I explored all of my dating options. Tonya Lacey, the girl who works with me at Pet Smart, made it clear that she has a strict policy against dating her coworkers (although she chose to use a much more colorful euphemism that referenced “defecating” in the same place where one prepares and consumes food). Rachel Tisdale, the girl I dated for two years before our relationship crumbled when she discovered I had been cheating on her with you, roundly rejected my admittedly pathetic attempts at reconciliation. And Gloria Newbaum, the girl who you insist is my cousin but whom I’ve confirmed through extensive research on Ancestry.com is — at worst — a third cousin by marriage, suddenly became unreachable after she defriended me on Facebook, blocked me on Twitter, and — I’m nearly positive — blocked my number on her cell phone.
As I’m sure you are aware, shortly after our break-up I sent a series of disparaging Tweets numbering in the hundreds, the subjects of which were you, several of your closest friends and, perhaps most regrettably, your Great Aunt Sally (may she rest in peace). Words cannot express how sorry I am for my actions. Though, if we’re being honest, dumping me via SnapChat wasn’t exactly your finest moment either. But that’s neither here nor there. The bottom line is I’m sorry for exhibiting what your father so eloquently described as “psycho, stalker behavior deserving of an ass-kicking,” and I assure you I am fully committed to putting to rest any lingering questions about my character or decision-making ability.
Finally, I want to take a moment to address “the incident,” or as you seem so fond of calling it: My “Quick Draw McGraw” moment. I have used the last few weeks to consult with a number of experts in the fields of medicine, human sexuality, and psychology. After analyzing the information they shared with me, I can say with complete confidence that what happened to me on that fateful evening is not only totally normal, but something that is likely to decrease in frequency over time if you accept me back into this relationship and grant me the opportunity to work on my conditioning and stamina.
Mary, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to talk to me. And even if you decide not to take me back, can we please at least walk into Prom at the same time so people think we came together?