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Major Announcement About the SSCU

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Recently, it has been rumored in the press (on the internet) that the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) had been mapped out all the way through 2028.  For the next 14 years Marvel already knows which comics they wish to develop, what date they want to release the films, and where crossovers will happen.  Not to be outdone by this audacious plan of attack, the newly formed Stratemeyer Syndicate Studios has announced that they have mapped out 9 phases of films, taking them all the way to 2050.

The Stratemeyer Syndicate is the publishing force behind such classic characters as Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, along with several other properties.  Studio Head Bartleby Wilmington III has said that the will release at least a film a year between 2015 and 2050 beginning with the new Nancy Drew film next year.  Much to the delight of the fan present, Wilmington also announced that in 2020 the SSCU would have it’s first big overlap where beloved characters Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and Tom Swift will form a group known as The Detectors.

Wilmington promises that the characters will not be portrayed as their classical incarnations, but will be updated to fit the modern era.  “Yes, we cannot portray Nancy as a flapper, or the Hardy’s wearing knickerbockers, or any of that poppycock.  No these characters will be quite modern, quite modern indeed.  Tom Swift, for instance, he will likely be portrayed as somewhat of a scientific wet blanket.  Something with the times, you know.  Nancy will be much less proper and more like a… what’s the term… a ‘socialite’?  You won’t believe the dysfunction we’ve written into properties such as the Bobbsey Twins, they are truly the definition of a modern family.”

The studio has announced that director Cary Fukunaga, of Jane Eyre and True Detective fame, will be appointed as the so-called ‘Stratemeyer Czar.’

“With his experience in both the detective fiction and Victorian Era fiction, Cary is the perfect voice to sculpt the SSCU,” Wilmington III said.  “We’re very excited about the direction in which he’s going to take these franchises.”

Fukunaga released a statement saying that he is “very excited to get started working on these great, inventive properties.  I’ve not quite heard of most of these characters, but rest assured that there is probably a Wikipedia page for all of them and that, regardless, they will be awash with mood, great lighting, and engaging metaphysical dialogue.  We’ve already mapped out the first phase which will encompass 5 stand alone films culminating in the first Detectors film in 2020.  I can’t wait to get started!”

Stratemeyer Syndicate Studios has released the following guide to their Phase 1 properties:

Nancy Drew (2015) – “Young Nancy Drew (Emma Stone) is a freshman at Miskatonic University majoring in English and Philosophy.  When she is fingered as a cheater by the despicable Topham sisters, she has to work with Professor Albert N. Wilmarth (Hugh Laurie) to discredit their fraudulent claims.  As they investigate the Topham family, they stumble upon a conspiracy bigger than either had realized and must work against ever-shortening time to save the university… and the world!  Will they find the Topham family secret before it’s too late?  Will Nancy be able to save her collegiate career?  What is the secret of the old clock in the Dean’s office?  Find out July 18th, 2015!”

The Hardy Boys (Summer 2016) – “Frank and Joe Hardy (Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson) are washed up cops in the Essex County town of Dunwich, MA.  Brothers who, once, had played detective in their backyard, the Hardys have found that adult life isn’t nearly as easy.  Five divorces, alcoholism, a heart stint and the tragic, mysterious death of their beloved parents have left the boys bitter and broken. When childhood friend Chet Morton is found dead at his estate, Tower Mansion, the Hardy Boys have to gear up for a case that neither of them are prepared to handle.  Tracing the murder to a string of similar crimes committed by notorious New York criminals John Jackley (Ron Perlman) and his accomplice Misquamacus (Lou Diamond Phillips), Frank and Joe have to ask themselves what more they’re willing to sacrifice for the truth.”

Tom Swift (Fall 2017) – “Tom Swift (Jaden Smith) is a young engineering phenom in his senior year at Arkham High School.  When his father is called away on a mysterious business trip, young Swift must take his father’s design for a revolutionary, new turbine to the headquarters of the Hultuch Corporation.  After modifying his new motorcycle to be faster, sleeker, and better handling than ever, he sets out to fulfill his promise to his father, a promise that someone doesn’t want him to keep.  When he’s beset upon by a terrifying motorcycle gang trying to steal his father’s plans, Swift must use everything in his power to keep them at bay.  Will Swift get there in time and is everything really as it seems?”

The Bobbsey Twins of Lakeport (Summer 2018) – “Two sets of fraternal twins, Bert and Nan (Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal) and Freddie and Flossie (Hunter and Scarlett Johansson), are adults living in an inherited mansion.  With the family inheritance about to run out the family has to find a way to forestall disaster.  When, during the Christmas holiday, Bert and Nan stumble across an ancient Latin copy of the fabled Necronomicon, they realize that not only are they losing their fortune, but there is a mysterious and ancient power pulling them apart.  Small crimes perpetrated on the family grounds begin to take on new meaning as one set of twins begins a descent into madness that the other set must try furiously to halt.  With evil all around them, what will it take to hold a family together?”

The Rover Boys (Summer 2019) – “The three Rover brothers, Tom, Sam, and Dick (Daniel Radcliffe, Anton Yelchin, and Asa Butterfield),  attend a small schoolhouse in the town of Innsmouth, MA.  When one of the girls at school gets critically ill the boys begin an investigation into the mysterious illness.  With the help of university professor George Gammell Angell (William Hurt), the boys track the illness back to a forgotten part of the woods known as “Yuggoth” by the locals.  When Dick is infected with an arcane fungi residing there, the boys must work against time to save their little brother from a grisly fate.”

The Detectors (Summer 2020) – “After the events of the first three movies, it has been revealed that Topham family, owners of the Hultuch Corporation, has secretly been recruiting criminals into a cult who worship the god Cthulhu.  With Barton Swift’s turbine technology in hand the Topham’s plan to create an underwater utopia called “Carcosa” in the aquifer feeding the Miskatonic River.  With the world at stake Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and Tom Swift must all come together to fight this epic evil.  Will their combined intelligence and knowledge be enough to defeat this wicked cabal, or is the world’s time at hand?”

Article written by Kalan Kucera

So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?