Well, it’s time. This weekend, as you all know, is the prestigious KSR Stakes Race, which always takes place two weekends before the Kentucky Derby. Last year, of course, saw an exciting finish wherein three-year old colt Minardi Delight, ridden by award-winning* jockey Raul Esteban Schneider, took the purse in the final moments of the race. This year promises to be a similarly exciting field, and those looking to wager on the race this weekend should know a little about its entrants. So today, we’re going to Handicap the KSR Stakes for you and hope this will help give you a little insight. Good luck!
1. General Ulis (3-1). The clear favorite in today’s field, General Ulis is a strong choice especially if it rains, which is expected over the weekend. He won handily at Wilkes-Barre two weeks ago in a torrential downpour, so consider him a valid contender in inclement weather.
2. Crean’s Folly (5-1). If you recall the Paducah Turf Classic in March, you’ll recall that Crean’s Folly led by nearly fourteen lengths before jumping the fence; he was secured later after a lengthy police chase on Kentucky Route 348. Don’t hold that against him, though. I still think if he can be contained he stands a good shot against this field despite worrying early reports hint he may have diarrhea from some bad hay.
3. Wordunrelatedwordanotherword. (6-1). Remember last summer when John Calipari made the mysterious statement that he was “planning to visit a recruit that wasn’t a person, but is instead a horse?” Many believe this Wordunrelatedwordanotherword was the recruit in question. It didn’t work out, because it is a horse, but this colt’s speed continues to raise eyebrows, forehead wrinkles and worrisome facial moles across the industry right now. Consider him if planning an ultrafecta square wager.
4. Exclamation! (9-1) A horse that could make a surprise trip to the winner’s circle is Exclamation!, but only if jockey Clem Yarnall can wean him off his current binge-watching of Narcos. Consider him a real threat on the inside in sunny weather but, as this seasoned four year-old suffers from devastating seasonal affective disorder, rain makes him very sad. Should things get gloomy this weekend, call off the dogs.**
5. Last Place Finish (13-1). It’s not just an unfortunate name; Last Place Finish has done just that in his last twelve races and is currently in a full-hindquarters body cast after falling into a hole in the track at the Santa Velveeta Cup in late February. Still, we like his odds, as well as the heartwarming story of the terrified seven year-old who is unwillingly lashed to him in each race — there’s not a greater tale of friendship against the odds in the industry right now.
6. Brent Stevens. (19-1). Brent Stevens is technically a centaur, which is half-man and half-horse. He was fathered by Zeus when Zeus spilled his seed upon the ground in ancient Cyprus. His people beat Thessalian hero Caeneus to death with rocks and tree branches. He’s great on a dry track and would be a good inclusion in a Megafecta Oval.
7. Trotty (22-1). I’m going to be honest, Trotty is a real dick. He’s fast and agile but his personality really makes you not want to wager on him. I mean, I can’t believe he treated Susan like that. She deserves better, after all she’s been through. Can you believe he did that? Who does he think he is? Seriously, screw Trotty. I hope he loses.
8. Handsome Tom (43-1). In perhaps the most shocking turn of events, it’s worth noting that Handsome Tom was a 2-1 favorite three days ago before he broke from his stall and got into Kaylee’s birthday party food. Owner Edmund Halter-Topp is confident that his trainers can work some of the extra pounds off by Sunday and it’s an around-the-clock situation, but not looking good. Check in again on race day.
*2014 Grammys, Best Sound Mixing for a General Reference Audiobook.
**Please, as stated in club rules, do not allow your dogs to attack the horses.