Hello, friends. I see you’re wearing the hat I got you for Christmas. I know, I know, but I couldn’t help thinking of you when I saw it and I knew that I had to get it for you. No, I don’t think anyone will think you’re an actual Federal Breast Inspector. No, they won’t. No. I encourage you not to allow yourself to get wrapped up in that, it’s just a joke hat. Here, let me have it. I said let me have it back I don’t think this is a good idea anymore.
Friends, I hope you all had a smashing yuletide/hanukkah/voodoo man season. Tonight, of course, caps off the Thanksgiving>Christmas>New Year’s triumvirate with the most partying of eves, confetti and horns and the whole nine yards. I looked through my rolodex to touch base with some of my more well-known contacts today and reached out to find out how they normally celebrate the holiday or how they might be celebrating in 2015 and I thought I might share some of the results with you. Have the happiest of new years, gang, and I’ll see you in 2016.
“This year I’ll be serving very expensive champagne — a BoÃ«rl & Kroff Brut Rose, $2,100 a bottle, the best you’ve ever had — in some dirty paper cups on a card table in a room filled with garbage and dimming, spare light bulbs. It may be a terrible New Year’s Eve party but you’ll be able to say there is at least one really good thing about it.”
“I have pretty standard, traditional New Year’s Eve. Cabbage from the Germanic tradition, grapes from the Spanish tradition representing the months of the new year, Mediterranean pomegranates to symbolize abundance and fertility, a box of Ho-Ho’s to symbolize peace, a tupperware bowl full of ice cream to represent coldness, a cheese pizza to symbolize something that’s round, two bowls of spaghetti to represent spaghetti and one of those donut bun hamburgers to symbolize things I saw on TV the other day.”
“Gonna drink a whole bottle of rum, change my tinder profile age and swipe right all night.”
“I’ll probably spend New Year’s Eve like I normally do. Trying to steal some cheese while trying to get away from the cat, then driving a toy car around the house and finally going to sleep in a little matchbox with an acorn hat.”
“I have spent New Year’s Eve with the same group of people for years. We all get together at someone’s house, have a toast, eat some food, then put on our goat masks and say the sacred chants that will implore our lord Satan to protect us for another year. It’s a good time.”
“It’s total garbage that I don’t have a good New Year’s Eve party. I know what I do every year. I know how hard I work on my punch. I know how sparkly these streamers are. There are no shortcuts on New Year’s Eve. I’ve planned this party the hard way, I’ve planned it the long way. To insinuate anything other wise is a complete joke. It just makes me want to…I just can’t even say it on KSR.”
“Earlier this week I had some plans, but it’s not looking like I’m going to make it.”
“Usually Mickie and I go to a party sponsored by the Athletic Department. It’s usually pretty fun. There’s music, a buffet. Then, at midnight, I kiss my Nike rep.”
“Usually around New Year’s Eve we either go to our neighbor’s house or they come here; everyone gets talks about it all month and gets excited and worked up about things and then usually we drop the ball.”