I’m ready to say goodbye to April. This month has been thirty days of inconsistent weather. I’ve had “Purple Rain” stuck in my head for six days and the whole month has been a constant countdown to Game of Thrones. Justin Timberlake knew that May is always the best month of the year. Here are a few things to look forward to in the upcoming month.
May 1: Drake releases his new brand of bourbon that no one requested.
May 2: Everyone forgets that Drake released a new brand of bourbon.
May 3: Indiana holds its primary election where candidates pander to the Hoosiers by pretending to like their candy-striped pants.
May 4: Some loco person begins saving seats for Cinco De Mayo
May 5: This day is the perfect combination of Taco Thursday & Cinco de Mayo. #DoubleRainbow
May 6: Captain America: Civil War makes it easier to spot nerds. (Hint: They are the people insisting that it is The Avengers and not just Captain America.)
May 7: Chiropractors rejoice! Women everywhere will pretend they have the neck strength to hold up a fabulous derby hat.
May 8: Mothers everywhere gently suggest that you are a little too old for “free hugs coupons” as Mother’s Day presents.
May 9: Netflix’s Price Increases by one dollar. Prepare for angry Facebook posts.
May 10: Jay-Z drops his own “visual album” called Spilling the Tea. No one is very impressed.
May 11: The Cannes Film Festival begins. We will all look forward to seeing actors and actresses attempt to dress “European.”
May 12: National Nutty Fudge Day! Gross.
May 13: Kelly Ripa severs the cord between her and Michael Strahan. I’m unsure how I will cope without all of their sexual tension.
May 14: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Weezer and Garbage are playing at a KROQ weenie roast. 2000 called, they want their bands back.
May 15: The Simpsons are going to do a live Twitter reading. They’ve really done it all, haven’t they?
May 16: The Odd Couple airs an episode titled: “Chess Nuts.” Possibly the best pun I’ve seen in awhile.
May 17: Megyn Kelly will interview Donald Trump. This interview is about as unnecessary as the “y” in Megyn’s name.
May 18: The last episode ever of Royal Pains. It wasn’t going to win any Emmy’s, but I’m not going to lie, I didn’t hate it.
May 19: Conversely, the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy, for this season. I’m beginning to think it is time for the doctors to hang up the ol’ stethoscope.
May 20: The Angry Birds Movie debuts. I still can’t believe this is a thing.
May 21: The next Blue Moon. Time to complete all your “once in a blue moon” activities.
May 22: Billboard Music Awards are presented. People continue to ask, “the billboards are still a thing?”
May 23: The Price is Right will air at 8pm. It will be like you’re home sick, but it’s during prime time!
May 24: Bill Cosby will be thrown back into the spotlight with his preliminary hearing.
May 25: National Wine Day! Which is slightly more exciting than National Whine Day.
May 26: Sally Ride Day!
May 27: On this day, the Disney channel will run a marathon of all of their original movies. Sign me up for Wish upon a star. It reminds me of the days when people liked Katherine Heigl.
May 28: The National Enquirer will try its hand at the true crime docu-series format. Here’s hoping they have fabulous puns as their episode titles.
May 29: Hopefully by this Sunday in May, Game of Thrones has revealed Jon Snow’s fate and I will be able to rest easy once again.
May 30: History Teachers Rejoice! Roots remake airs on this date!
May 31: AMC tries to capture the magic of Mad Men and Breaking Bad with their next drama, Feed the Beast. Hopefully, I will no longer equate David Schwimmer’s face with Robert Kardashian’s.
April showers brings May flowers, but it also brings holidays celebrating female astronauts, unrequested remakes of classic films and unnecessary celebrity brands of bourbon.