Friends, what if I told you that there was a scary rumor about a man with a hook on his hand who was terrorizing Lovers’ Lane, scratching upon windows and breaking in and brutally murdering the young paramours necking in the back seat? You’d probably think it was an urban legend, a story making the rounds, some embellished scuttlebutt around town that you shouldn’t put any stock in, right? Well guess what? You would be wrong, because that man killed some people who live on my street last night. It was pretty awful, really, and in terrilbly poor taste of me to use it as a colorful illustration about believing rumors.
Oh, rumors. True or not, in the off-season the bored tongues of UK fans everywhere get to wagging and before you know it, everything’s seemingly off the rails. Or is it? Today let’s set some records straight in a good ol’ KSR Rumor Watch, where we address all the current chatter and see where the bunk lies. Shall we? We shall.
Rumor: John Calipari is leaving Kentucky for the New Orleans Pelicans.
Status: Not True. A writer in NOLA claims a source “close to Cal” told him Cal was interested in taking the Pelicans job and working with Anthony Davis again, a rumor debunked by Cal himself shortly thereafter in a tweet announcing that he has “no interest in the Pelicans or any other job, adding that “I have a great job and I’m happy at UK.”
Rumor: Willie Cauley-Stein is being considered by the Boston Celtics.
Status: Maybe so. Comcast SportsNet (where you get ALL your sports news) claims that the Celts are considering making a play for our former beloved dunkmaster general. Reporter and, if his on-screen graphic is to be believed, “Celtics Insider” A. Sherrod Blakely says Willie McCauley-O’Stein talked with Boston this week and came away impressed with the chat, also contacting former teammate James Young.
Rumor: Karl Towns may become a Minnesota Timberwolf.
Status: Extremely possible. Both ESPN and DraftExpress (choo choooo! Draft Express coming through!) have predicted Karl-Anthony may be donning the blue and green on Draft Day. I hope he likes lakes because they allegedly have 10,000 of them there. I’m also opening a Kickstarter to send Karl twenty-five cases of mosquito repellent.
Rumor: Karl Towns may become an actual timberwolf.
Status: False. This is not only scientifically impossible but would also make Towns ineligible to play in a human sports league. There’s a reason why these guys are called “one-and-dones” and not “one-and-wolves.”
Rumor: Tom Izzo ended his recruitment of Caleb Swanigan after Swanigan demanded a private chef.
Status: Unconfirmed. It’s believed, however, that Izzo grew offended that Swanigan was rejecting the traditional Michigan diet of Vernor’s Ginger Ale, Maple Syrup, Venison and Frosted Flakes. It was good enough for Draymond Green, dammit.
Rumor: John Robic’s Hair to be retired during Wildcats home game in 2016.
Status: True. A large, very tasteful sepia-toned photograph of assistant coach John Robic’s hair will be hoisted into the rafters during a TBD SEC home game in 2016. It will join the illustrious ranks of Bobby Perry’s 2003 moustache and Keith Bogans’ raccoon-eating-a-basketball-tattoo.
Rumor: Rick Pitino is the world’s first pregnant man.
Status: Possible. We all know how he does his business. And medical science has come a long way. But you didn’t hear this from me.
Rumor: If you go into your bathroom, turn off the lights and say Bruce Pearl’s name three times, he will appear in the mirror.
Rumor: False. But if it wasn’t real then HOW DID THESE TOWELS GET ALL SWEATY?