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Instant Hate Day: University of Florida

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Hello, friends. You’re certainly chipper today. Ohhh. It’s because it’s Sub-tember, isn’t it? It must be. Who’s not excited about reasonably-priced subs every day for an entire month at your neighborhood Subwayâ„¢! (Prices and participation may vary.)

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that this weekend our Cats come fresh-faced out of a relaxing bye week and into the furnace as they face the Florida Gators. And while we reserve a lot of our full-time hate for our Volunteer neighbors to the south and those redbirds hiding out among us, we figure there should be more than enough rivalry to go around. Let’s take a look today at  some UF press photos in a piece we’ll call Instant Hate Day: Florida for a little fun, shall we? We shall. Have a great weekend, everyone.

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Welcome to the University of Florida! Your stay here for the next four(?) years will be full of a promising education, good friends, good times and great memories. Stroll around the campus and enjoy the classic architecture or nestle into the lawn for studying. Or feel free to relax on the sign welcoming visitors to the campus. It’s a great place to catch up with your classmates or do your classwork. Just please remember to move before dusk because the floodlight may burn your corneas, rendering it nearly impossible for you to enjoy the sights of your college experience.

 

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Raise your hand: who here is ready for a promising media career in the nation’s most eccentric state? Your education at Florida will prepare you for the attention you’ll inevitably receive when you’re swallowed into a sinkhole, your stripper ex-girlfriend cuts off your ear while you’re sleeping or you snap and dress up like a pirate to murder your landlord. The press will ask a lot of questions, and you’re going to need to be prepared. So let’s start learning. (Please keep the noise down because the class on the other side of the curtain-wall can hear you.)

 

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Liquids in vials! These industrious students are excited to have made a brand new discovery! It could be a groundbreaking new isotope, a cure for cancer or another tube full of diseased urine. Everyone is thrilled except for Katrina, who doesn’t care and thinks her fashionable glasses are a worthy substitute for laboratory-grade eye protection. It’s not, Katrina, so get over yourself already.

 

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The robotics club at Florida is always on the forefront of scientific discovery! This robotic innovation greets new students at freshman orientation. It’s name is R-9873 and it always both delights and inspires new students. It’s also been secretly made out with by many members of the robotics club, so any hand sanitization after any contact with R-9873 is highly encouraged.

 

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Want to be a dentist? Live that dream at UF! Our cutting-edge facility is technologically advanced and ready to usher you into the ever-changing world of dentistry or orthodontics. Our dentists, orthodontists and hygienists-in-training can help with any services you may require during your tenure at the University of Florida, in compliance with all ADA regulations. You might see Stacey, or Keith, or Amanda. Maybe you’ll even get Steven, who refuses to take off his Croakies because he knows you’ll enjoy these $179 Oakleys banging on your face while he’s all up in your mouth, brah. Steven’s hilarious!

 

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Need extra income to supplement your studies? Many Florida work study students earn valuable money smuggling cocaine in and out of Miami. It’s only a five-hour drive and can net — if you’re careful — hundreds of dollars per trip. It’s a great way to see the state, interact with other cultures and make new friends.  Here we see Brad, Jay and Corinne preparing for a trip. Make sure you cut that well, Brad! This has to be top notch for the Funk Alien Crew!

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At the University of Florida’s School of Veterinary studies you’ll learn to administer to animals great and small through meticulous research and state-of-the-art equipment. And there’s never been a better time to join the UF Veterinary College as recently-passed Florida laws now allow humans to marry animals!

 

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The UF School of Nursing will prepare you to attend to patients of all walks of life and dazzle them with your cover of Jack Johnson and John Mayer tunes. It’s [almost] better than medicine! You should probably also administer medicine as well, just in case.

 

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The accomplished Florida Men’s Swimming team currently holds the national record for the group 1-meter hug stroke! This is because no other team can fit into the pool. Go Gators! We’re behind you all the way!

 

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Travel the world with the University of Florida’s acclaimed travel abroad program, studying in foreign countries on almost every continent. Learn the customs of foreign lands and expand your own horizons by enlisting for a semester abroad to broaden your understanding of our world neighbors. Like this team in China. Hey everyone, Gator Chomp on three! Just kidding. If you’re reading this right now, guys, our legal team is working very hard to get you out of prison there, and your families want you know that they love you very much. Stay strong.

 

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Ready to meet your new best friends? UF is the only university in the country with a patented “Roommate Search” program guaranteeing to pair every student with a student who plays the french horn. You may be hesitant now, but wait until Christmas rolls around and you’ll change your “tune,” because nothing sounds better than Christmas carols on the french horn. You’ll thank us for it later.

 

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Who wants ice cream? Effective since 2012, the University of Florida student cafeteria has closed and all meals are served by the “Sweet Dreams” ice cream truck. Get in line early or they’ll be out of chocolate! Seriously, get in line early or they’ll be out of chocolate.

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While at the University of Florida you’ll have the opportunity to attend national forums and attend speeches from presidential candidates, authors, scientists and world leaders. Please stay in your seat or our security guards will tase you in front of everyone.

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No matter who you are, you’re sure to “stand out” at the University of Florida. Your adventure begins here. We can’t wait to meet you!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

12 Comments for Instant Hate Day: University of Florida



  1. Bmack
    1:41 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Fantastic! Write here more often! And Steven is such a douche. Dollars to donuts he’s wearing grey New Balance 990s under his Bill’s Khakis (to be fair, I enjoy a nice pair of Bill’s as much as the next guy, but Steven and his ilk give the rest of us Bill’s wearers a bad name).



  2. JaredCarterIsMyHomeboy
    1:59 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Screw dentists! Burn them all! They’re as bad as UL fans!



  3. ukbulldog
    2:02 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Good stuff! I laughed under my breath at work a couple of times!



  4. jpg
    2:09 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Great write-up, Mr. Tomlin! I experienced every human emotion and there highs and lows as I read through this authentic expression of UF culture. (read that with Sean Connery’s voice in mind)

    Steven is going down! I could also see the chick in the dorm room breaking her laptop over the head of her french-horn tooting roommate.



  5. Richard Girth
    2:17 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Great job Tomlin! The only thing – Steven is most likely wearing Costa Del Mar’s. They’re much better, much more Southern than Oakley.



  6. Kramer
    2:38 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    @JaredCarterIsMyHomeboy You’re anti-dentite!!



  7. Musehobo
    2:56 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    “The accomplished Florida Men’s Swimming team currently holds the national record for the group 1-meter hug stroke!” Hahahahahaha!



  8. Jrue Franklin
    3:16 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    JaredCarterIsMyHomeboy: Even as we speak, I am praying to G.V. Black that you will need a root canal in the near future. And that they fill it with Sargenti’s paste! Hatred is a two way street, my friend.



  9. huck
    3:21 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    LOL, nice one. Most eccentric state? are you sure – lots of yankees down here and after a few measurements don’t think its eccentricity!

    And Katrina could find some southern hospitality a few hours drive, South.



  10. Derrick Poore
    3:40 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Jeffery Ross teaches a lab class at the University of Florida?



  11. Steven Mattingly DMD
    4:35 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Looks like Cleopatra’s lost her wax again, but Steven aint ever gonna lose them Oakleys, son. I used to party with Steven back in the day. I can tell you that Oakleys weren’t the only thing he’d have banging on yer face!



  12. Garry Meeks
    4:43 pm September 26, 2013 Permalink

    Hey Jared Carter’s little bitch – I went to UFSD. I only got one thing to say to you. IN YO MOUFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!