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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

If the NCAA Tournament Started Today…


Hello, friends. Here we are, in February, with the ultimate wrap-up of the 2015-16 basketball season upon us. As we all know, next month begins the true trek to our next hopeful National Championship, it’s time to start keeping our eyes on the prize. But what would the situation be if the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament started today? We boiled down some hard facts to find out what we could look forward to.

Villanova, Iowa, UNC and Oklahoma would likely pull the one seeds.
There’s been a lot of parity in this year’s field, but these four teams have maintained the solid records to prove A team like Kansas or, to a lesser extent Xavier, might pull off one of these top seeds but should the tournament start today, these four would be most likely.

Kentucky would probably be a four or five seed in the Southern Region.
This would send them to either Oklahoma City, Denver or St. Louis, the latter being the easiest drive for Kentucky fans.

UK would likely not have many fans attending the games.
If the game were to be held in St. Louis today, we would have no prior notice to arrange travel, which means only fans within driving distance from St. Louis could make it to the games and, even at that, the fact that the NCAA Tournament was suddenly announced today would make it hard to find tickets. Oklahoma City or Denver, for in-state Kentucky fans, would depend upon flight times this morning to those cities, and buying a ticket at the last second is always very pricey.

Alex Poythress would miss the first two weeks of the NCAA Tournament.
Per Cal’s announcement this week, two weeks out for Poythress would make him again ineligible for the first two weeks of the NCAA Tournament, only rejoining the team should the Wildcats make it to a Final Four in Houston.

Many people would miss important events.
A sudden shift in time to March 17 would cause people to miss important dates in their lives. People who were to be married in late February were not able to get married as the date did not technically exist in this version of our universe. People who purchased tickets to Blake Shelton’s YUM Center concert next Friday would not be compensated for the money they lost when the event never occurred. If you had a dentist appointment in early March, you’d have to reschedule because your appointment never happened.

Our economic infrastructure would reach a state of panic.
The unpredicted removal a full thirty-five days of the financial quarter would toss the business world into total chaos, not to mention what the event would do to the NASDAQ. Also, every single person in the world will miss payment on anything due during the time between February 11 and March 17, creating a need for the government to step in as a mediator between individuals, corporations and credit companies.

Bears would wake up from hibernation too late.
Bears have adapted their internal rhythms to coincide with the cold months, where food shortages often occur. Harsh winters often kill off a percentage of animals like deer and elk, leading the bears to feast on their carcasses when they wake in late February. Shortening the winter by a month would allow more animals to remain alive, shorting the bears this food when they waken — which, given that they are asleep during the time change, will probably now be early April.

Bears, suffering from a lack of food, would turn their sites on other prey.
While our human brains would undoubtedly find it confusing to wake up today and have it suddenly be March 17, for a bear to wake up at arguably the end of spring would be difficult for the bear to comprehend. Add to this the fact that food will be more scarce and bears will naturally turn to other sources for food, possibly humans, creating a dangerous environment.

Children would be going to school until July and the government would have to add a month to the calendar.
With snow days, many Kentucky children are already looking at an early June dismissal. With the complete disappearance of an entire month of the school calendar, classes will extend into the summer. The government, in addition to rescheduling debates creating a committee for bear control, will have to add a “thirteenth month” to the calendar, which means that New Year’s Eve would not be on December 31 but instead on the last day of this new invented month, which doesn’t have a name or a number of days yet.

You wouldn’t have to spend any money on Valentine’s Day.
Hey, at least there’s a silver lining to February 14 never having occurred in 2016. Unfortunately, the Vermont Teddy Bear company has gone out of business anyway as nearly all of its corporate board members were eaten by confused bears at an off-site ropes course training event. All previously-placed orders will be refunded.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

26 Comments for If the NCAA Tournament Started Today…

  1. DelrayCat
    2:07 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    I know I am not the only one hoping for Denver. I’d love to see the Cats while a Mile High 😉

  2. FartKnocker
    2:18 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    Ummm…STL is very drivable for most of #BBN. We had not idea what would happen in ’13 but somehow, someway, BLUE got in.

    • WatchutalkinboutWillis
      2:59 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      I think you missed the point of this article.

    • FartKnocker
      3:14 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      Actually, I didn’t. Unless he was actually talking about the NCAA literally starting TODAY.

      If that’s the case, I really don’t know how to respond to such nonsense.

    • CalsCats3.0
      3:19 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      yes he means literally today, most of this post other than our seed being 4th and 5th is drivel and five minutes of my life I will not get back. I wish these types of post would have a warning at the top, so if you are not wanting to read the nonsense post you don’t have to get half into the piece before it becomes apparent.

    • Sentient Third Eye
      3:30 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      Then you wasted 2 more minutes complaining about it.

      If KSR is going to live up to their original mandate of providing UK coverage in “the most ridiculous way possible”, stupid pieces like this are a must!

    • theWilkman
      4:26 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      FartKnocker- if that took you 5 minutes to read you have bigger problems.

    • CATandMONKEY
      5:28 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      Please do not go ANYWHERE near The Onion.

  3. kentuckyrld
    2:29 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    Is this what we have come to at this time? Is there no news to report so we have resorted to thinking about distorting the universe and then predicting how that distortion would be revealed? It would seem to me that all the effort put into this particular article would have been better spent by doing something to report relevant UK sports information instead of spending time in some fantasy world.

    • theWilkman
      2:41 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      You leave Tomlin and his fantasy world alone

    • taylorsvillecat
      2:52 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      ahem…”in the most ridiculous manner possible” is the standard here.

    • binarysolo
      4:38 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      Evidently the readers need a refresher in what it means when a post tagged as Funkhouser. This was hilarious.

    • CATandMONKEY
      5:29 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      These have been posted weekly, obviously for a LOT longer than you have been visiting this site.

  4. bigblue95
    2:46 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    This is stupid.

  5. rickwhitetx
    2:48 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink


  6. CrazyCayts
    2:50 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    TF????? How high were you when you thought of writing this article? Zero relevance to anything. Why anyone want to jump to the Tourney anyways when we still have a quarter of regular season games and SEC tourney to still enjoy? This has to make #KSRNotTop10

    • CATandMONKEY
      5:36 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      Honestly, I hope he was comfortably high as most great, creative writers, musicians and artists frequently are.

  7. Rogersa17
    2:50 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    This is pointless

  8. theWilkman
    2:54 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    KSR has clearly picked up quite a few new readers the past few years, so Tomlin’s shtick may be lost on many. In that case, keep it up! And bring back the weekly Not Jerry Tipton write ups!

    • UK Big Board Update
      3:24 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      Totally agree. NJT was the best.

    • J-Dub421
      3:26 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      And a lot of them apparently have no sense of humor at all.

  9. ptlondon
    3:02 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    Once again, great work Tomlin. The people above who complained must just be an absolute joy to be around….

  10. WatchutalkinboutWillis
    3:03 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    Obviously quite a few people don’t understand humor. So let me explain…usually several sports sites show examples of if the tournament started today…basically just showing how it would be seeded. CM Tomlin wrote this article based on the idea that the NCAA Tournament started today and no one was expecting it to happen, especially bears, it is funny. Frankly, I’m a little sad some many people not only didn’t get it but decided to comment as much.

    • CATandMONKEY
      5:32 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

      These are the same people however that made the comment section of NJT even more hilarious than the posts.
      Some people require their humor to be spoon-fed.

  11. CATandMONKEY
    5:35 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    I suppose I could dork out in the other direction , like the sci-fi Nerd that I am: If my payment dates never occurred, I would not owe that money…at least not now.
    Consistency in the timeline, Tomlin.
    Ridiculously funny as usual though.

  12. Cals Hoverboard
    6:00 pm February 11, 2016 Permalink

    Always enjoys Tomlins stuff. Keep it up. NotJerryTipton was great and miss it too.