Breaking Bad has been consuming my brain now for weeks. It’s not just that I think about it on occasion, I think that it’s likely changing my cells from normal to goateed, Vince Gilligan shaped mutant cells.
All joking aside, the past two weeks I’ve been unable to sleep Sunday night because I can’t quit thinking about the implications of Walt’s actions or how poorly this is going to end up for everyone (just to warn you: if you haven’t seen Breaking Bad, there are spoilers in these waters!).
As you might have surmised, unlike my esteemed colleague @JDHoller (well played as the devil’s advocate my friend), I can’t even pretend to say anything negative about what I think is the best TV show ever. This season it has surpassed even Battlestar Galactica in my book, which is saying a lot. The way the story fits together, the acting, and the raw emotion that these characters provoke make this show gut and heart wrenching. It makes other shows (like Dexter) look like child’s play in comparison.
On this week’s episode (SERIOUSLY, SPOILER ALERT) we were “treated” to Walt’s escape from the ABQ with Ed the Disappearist; we saw Todd and the Neo Nazis delightfully threaten Skyler; we saw Todd and his paramour, Lydia, become close; we also saw the lovely Neo-Nazis assassinate Jesse’s ex, Andrea, when he politely declined to cook more meth for them. How wonderful. Walt aged a thousand years in his NH getaway, offering Ed $10,000 for an hour of friendship, and had his second awkward conversation in two weeks when Flynn (not Walt Jr. anymore!) politely declined some money and inquired as to why Walt had not yet met his demise.
If not for a fateful Charlie Rose interview it all might have ended there, and my recent torment (and really the torment is delightful) would be winding down. But no, we have three more agonizing days to sweat it out. Will Walt die? (Yes) Who’s he going to take with him? Is he going to kill Elliott and Gretchen? How will Jesse go on? Will the a**hole Neo-Nazis get their comeuppance as well? Agggghhhhh the questions are killing me!!!
These past two weeks, I can’t sleep after the show. I’m drinking bourbon so as not to hyperventilate (Willet, if you’re wondering). I need to calm down and get my mind off of this show. I need to stop reading the 40 recaps I’ve read over and over. I need to stop watching the preview from the finale, IT DOESN’T EVEN SHOW ANYTHING NEW (although the song is pretty good). I’ve spent hours theorizing about ways it could end, I’ve re-watched old episodes, I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT BREAKING BAD!
So to help myself, and to help those of you who are similarly afflicted, I’ve come up with a list of 8 things that you can do to get Breaking Bad off of your mind. I hope they help!
That’s right. You’ve been up for 21 hours straight thinking about BB. What did Walt’s phone call to Skyler mean? Will it work? Do the Nazis know that the DEA knows the whole story now? Shhhhhhh…. Shhh….. It’s ok. Let’s just stop our brains for a minute and sleep it off. We’ll feel better once we sleep it off. Just think of nothing. Shut your mind off. Take deep breathes. In. Out. In. Out. Concentrate on your breathing and close your eyes. Drifting slowly off….
Ughhh… what, huh?? What was that? I was dreaming about some dude caressing some paranoid chick’s lipstick on her tea cup. That’s weird. Got to get back to sleep. Sleep…
Agghhhhhh! There was some poorly lit, bearded scary guy in my dream. Was that father time? Was it that homeless guy who asked me for a nickel and peed himself last week? He was begging me to take $100 K, so I doubt it. I told him to die. This is weird… Just have to go to sleep… Have to sleep…. Hav…
Nooooooooooooo!!! Stop with the Breaking Bad dreams you stupid f-ing subconcious!!! I don’t want to be on this ride anymore!
Math. Math… It’s something mindless to do! Something that takes up brain space but is random figuring! Oh this should help, let’s just do some arithmetic. Let’s see… I’m just making this up so…
(((3*9-2)^2)+26875)*5*8 = 11,000,000… see? That was good! Wait…. 11 million… no… that’s the amount of money Walter has left! Arrghh!!!
OK, prime number… (43*2) that’s 86 then times 6, why not? 86*6 = 516…. 516… 516… Felina… Finale…. Nooooooooooooooo!!!!
3. Eat Some Ice Cream
Ice Cream… Thank God, the substance that has saved thousands of lonely women on Friday night. I’ll just run to the store for some Ben & Jerry’s. Hmmm… How about Peanut Butter Cup? Oh yeah, that one is good! I’m going to need more, though, because this experiment requires some major brain freeze. I want one of the specialty ones. Late Night Snack? No, the potato chips are strange. Oh! How about Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream!!! Yes, it’s perfect! The perfect brain freezer. Todd?
No, no, no, what’re you doing? Jesse????
DON”T EAT THE ICE CREAM JESSE!!! HE’S NOT YOUR FRIEND!!! HE’S GOING TO MURDER ANDREA!!! AGGGGHHHH!
4. Watch Another TV Show
This has to work. If I can just erase the TV portion of my brain and upload another show, that should work. OK, what’s the antithesis of drama? Comedy! What’s a popular comedy that I’ll watch? Big Band Theory? No, too annoying. Modern Family? No, too crass. I know! I’ll watch How I Met Your Mother! There’s no way that that particular show won’t clear my mind and make me think non-BB thoughts! Let’s pick a random episode. Ho, Netflix, what do you recommend? Season 2… episode 6! Let’s see what the description is…
“Ted gets Lily a job at his firm, but she only makes trouble for Ted when he refuses to stand up to his boss. And Barney sleeps with Marshall’s law school professor to help his grades, but she’s less than impressed with his prowess.”
Sounds innocent enough to me. Play! (Watches 4 minutes and 28 seconds) Wait… who is that? Is that…. Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
5. Play Cards
I’d pay someone $10,000 just to play poker with me for 2 hours! Please, somebody!!! I can’t take it anymore! Fine, one hour, just one!
6. Catch Up with the News
What’s Charlie Rose up to these days?
Oh, never mind.
7. Talk to your Significant Other
Ok, I’ve reached the end of my rope. I’m going to have to try something crazy! I know! I’ll go talk to my girlfriend! She’s never seen an episode of Breaking Bad, she’ll be perfect!
Hey, Babe, what’s going on? … Oh, kids as cooks, really? … Kittens, yeah, I see them. … Your doctor said what was wrong? Is that a part that you have? Oh, I don’t think I needed to know that. … But I want to play GTA V, I don’t see how that should stop me from buying it. I mean of course it’s a disgusting concept, but it’s not real! … What’s Kale? Is that an Ivy League school? … She said what to you at work? I don’t think she meant it that way. I’m not sure you can glean that from a one word sentence. … Yes. Yes. Uh-huh. (Steps slowly backwards) Yep. Sure. I am. (Closes door silently).
8. Give In to Your Urges: An Attempt at Reverse Psychology
The Wikipedia page defines ‘reverse psychology’ as:
“a technique involving the advocacy of a belief or behavior that is opposite to the one desired, with the expectation that this approach will encourage the subject of the persuasion to do what actually is desired: the opposite of what is suggested.”
So maybe, if I just think a lot about Breaking Bad, it’ll erase it from my memory!! Only 3 more days left to go, it’s worth a shot!
Now what were those finale death odds… I picked the over on Jesse…