KSR (Washington D.C.)
At a hastily arranged press conference this morning in Washington, Director Daniel Ashe of the US Fish & Wildlife Service, declared a national emergency. In a shocking reveal Director Ashe revealed that the number of horses in the US had dwindled to an alarmingly low number saying, “Over the past 20 years the number of horses in the United States has been on a slow decline, but this has now become an emergency that we cannot ignore.” When asked what it was that has been killing the horses, Ashe said, “They’re being slaughtered wholesale by the cable news networks, of course. In order to be beaten.”
In a statement released concurrently with the press conference, the USFWS cited the ridiculous, continuous coverage of certain events by the likes of CNN, FOX News, MSNBC, and their subsidiaries for being almost solely responsible for the deaths and subsequent beatings of millions and millions of horses. “With coverage of election cycles starting two years or more before the elections, along with terrible winter storms that are reported on days before they hit and rehashed long afterwards, the nation’s horse industry has been decimated. To all of the on-the-hoof decisions by these networks, we say Neigh!”
According to sources within the FWS, the recent onslaught of the nation’s thoroughbreds has been the endless coverage of the missing Malaysian Airline Flight by CNN. In a document retrieved by this source the department decried the bacchanalian coverage of the event saying, “In our opinion, Director, the empty coverage of this event by CNN has caused quite the stirrup in the equine community. In order to cover the event 24 hours a day for 3 weeks with nothing new to report, CNN has had to lay waste to hundreds of thousands of these poor creatures. It’s truly a foal-on catastrophe.”
The USFWS has vowed to work with equine scientists and politicians on the Hill in order to meet this issue head on. While neither FOX nor MSNBC could be reached for further comment, Ted Turner did release a statement apologizing for his networks’ contribution to the issue. In the statement he also vowed that CNN would be phasing Turner Ranch bison in for use in future broadcasts and that he had trademarked the phrase “beating a dead bison.” Turner swore that, with this move, the rapid decline of the equine population wouldn’t last furlong.