Hello, friends. You’re looking well. How are you feeling? I hope at some point we can have a conversation about your litigation against me. I had honestly completely forgotten I’d installed that webcam in your bathroom. We all make dumb mistakes, you know? I’m sure nobody saw you pooping. Probably.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you we have a northeast gauntlet to run through this weekend in back-to-back visitors The University at Albany (or, if you have time to kill, formally the State University of New York at Albany) and New Jersey Institute of Technology. We’ve seen Albany pop up here and there over the past years, but NJIT is a fairly new face…and what do we know about these mysterious invaders? Let’s imagine for a moment that you’re a fresh-faced incoming college freshman trying to decide between the two schools? Let’s get to know them…and find your future alma mater, shall we? We shall.
Albany: Idyllic Albany is nestled in idyllic, inoffensive New York State, where you can enjoy May’s tulip festival, visit the former home of Martin Van Buren or jetset away to enjoy vibrant day trips in nearby Duanesberg, New Salem, Defreetsville or Glenmont. Or you could heat your oven to three hundred and fifty degrees and stick your head right in there.
NJIT: Located in scenic downtown Newark, New Jersey right between the Armani Exchange on Raymond Boulevard and the Armani Exchange on Central Avenue, NJIT is a great place to be sad and/or get murdered. But hey, things are looking up: the Wendy’s on Westfield Avenue is about to get renovated into a Wendy’s EXPRESS.
Advantage: Albany? I guess?
Albany: Actor DB Woodside, who played Wayne Palmer on one season of 24; Washington DC weatherman Bob Ryan, Steve Guttenberg and The Craigslist Killer.
NJIT: Rapper “Rah Digga,” New Jersey legislator Paul Sarlo and non-medalling 1948 Olympic speed skater Raymond Blum.
Advantage: Albany. Though the Craigslist Killer is a real point-detractor, Guttenberg more than makes up the slack.
Albany: “Spirit Friday,” in which everyone is encouraged to wear school colors to show their spirit. Then at three o’clock maybe your mom will take you to get ice cream after she picks you up from first grade.
NJIT: “The Great Seal of NJIT,” a shield bearing the symbols of the six schools of the university — The School of Management, The School of Computing Sciences, The Albert Dorman Honors College and oh my God sorry what was I saying I literally just fell asleep looking at this seal.
Advantage: NJIT. “Spirit Friday” every week just sounds brutal.
Albany: Providing a welcoming distraction from the crushing reality of a winter in Albany, The College of Arts & Sciences is the university’s largest, where you can major in Caribbean studies, chat it up with cool buds at the Center for X-Ray Optics or hit up a raging kegger over at the Geographic Information System and Remote Sensing Laboratory. See you there!
NJIT: With an impressive DJ-to-student-ratio, NJIT has been the home to several major scientific advancements, such as an iPod that only plays Bruce Springsteen, a combination CAT scan/hot tub and the world’s first drunk robot.
Albany: Has a bloodthirsty rivalry with juggernaut Stony Brook. Made the NCAA tournament each of the last three years. Has past coaches with names like “Francis Snavely” and “Arch B. Swaim.”
NJIT: The Highlanders currently hold three NCAA Division I Basketball records: Defeats in a Winless Season (29), Consecutive Defeats in a Season (29) and Consecutive Defeats (51). But on the bright side, the women’s volleyball team led the nation in “Digs Per Set” in 2009.
Chances Against Kentucky