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GAMEDAY PROTOCOL: Dealing with Florida Fans


Hello, friends. You’re looking well. Say, is that one of those new two-wheel hoverboards I’ve seen around town? Mind if I try it? Sure, just let me HAHA SUCKER I’M OUT OF HERE. Oh, I thought these things went faster. You certainly caught me in a very short amount of time. Here is your hoverboard back.

Friends, I don’t need to tell you that UK is riding a mighty wave of goodwill and great play right now and that it continues even into this weekend when the Florida Gators pop into town to give us a go. I also don’t need to tell you, probably, that Florida will likely bring some of its trademark fans into our town — fans that you yourself may have interactions with this weekend. Be smart, then, and educate yourself on how to deal with any Florida fan situation you may have with my foolproof guide on the subject. Go Cats — and I’ll see you next week.


Scenario 1: A Florida Fan bumps into you, spilling your drink.

Likely an accident, there is no reason for this situation to escalate. Be cordial and forgiving to avoid a potential problem. Remember the valuable acronym IDONIT.

It was an accident
Don’t worry about it.
Oh, what a nice ninja sword you have.
No, I would not like to join your karate dojo.
I do not ever visit Haines City, Florida.
Thank you for the offer to train with you, however.


Scenario 2: A Florida Fan backs into your automobile.

Fender benders happen. Keep your temper. Remember, the collision will likely do more damage to the Florida fan’s electric mobility scooter than your full-size Ford Focus. Have six or seven of your friends help you get the Florida fan up off the ground and help send the fan on his or her way with a warning and good wishes. Take the high ground, Cat Fan!


Scenario 3: A Florida Fan is mad at Scotty but takes it out on you.

Look, is it your fault that Scotty came over to Travis’ place and threw a bottle at his Ram 750 because Travis was at the Lake House with Brandy? No. It’s also not your fault that Scotty’s mamaw can’t keep her nose out of anyone’s business and is trying to take Tara’s kids. This is between the Florida Fan and Scotty. Just say “I’m sorry you are upset with Scotty, but I’m not the one who crashed Wayne’s motorbike. I’d appreciate it if wouldn’t be rude to me.” Case closed!


Scenario 4: You are trying to enjoy your tailgate while a meth-addicted Florida Fan is cooking his own severed finger in the spot adjacent to your tailgate.

We all have the right to celebrate Game Day in our own ways, but the smell of jaundiced human flesh roasting in a Cephalon pan should not be the way you prepare for a great evening of NCAA college football (unless you are at any Arkansas home game). Politely ask the Florida Fan to move further down the row and/or, alternately, advise a campus police patrol officer.


Scenario 5: A Florida Fan and day-shift Jacksonville stripper is lighting your automobile on fire as her non-indigenous snakes escape into a nearby drainage pipe.

Request that Dakota step away from your automobile and calmly explain to her that you are not going to get back together after she stole the money you set aside for internet college. She may not like this but she does need to hear it; confronting it will be her first step to acceptance.


Scenario 6: A Florida Fan has just robbed the South Limestone Speedway with a medieval axe and currently forcing you at gunpoint to stuff your pant legs with rare birds for illegal export to Cuba.

Let cooler heads prevail as you reason with Esteban; no good can come out of his entrepreneurial endeavors if he’s awaiting extradition back to Dade County in a Lexington holding cell. If he can’t understand this logic, it may be necessary to attempt to subdue him but be aware that the scuffle may lead to the inadvertant release of a handful of double-breasted cormorants or a buff-coated nightjar —let them go; there’s nothing you can do at this point and they’ll likely be eaten by the Egyptian Cobras waiting at the mouth of a wastewater ditch on the north end of campus. Everything will work out, regardless. Enjoy the game!

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

7 Comments for GAMEDAY PROTOCOL: Dealing with Florida Fans

  1. CatsfaninFL
    2:02 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    So no protocol if you’re married to an alum?

  2. Stevedave
    2:47 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    double-crested cormorant, you jackass

  3. RelocatedFL
    2:48 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    As a naïve Floridian having lived in Kentucky for 15 years, I can say that most of the strange and outlandish stories you hear about the Sunshine State are true. There are a lot of Floridians, and the warm weather lets the crazies strut their stuff out in public all year round. Also, swamp critters and suburbia don’t mix very well.

    Here are a few tips from growing up in Florida:
    1) Don’t swim in any canals or ponds. There is an alligator in there, even if it is the middle of a suburban neighborhood
    2) King snakes and coral snakes both have red, yellow and black stripes. King snakes are fine, coral snakes are deadly venomous. I had to learn “red touch black, good for Jack” [king snake] and “red touch yellow, kill a fellow” [coral snake] to tell them apart
    3) Native Floridians are very rare, especially adults. Finding someone of retirement age in Florida who was born in Florida is more difficult than finding Bigfoot.
    4) In South Florida, don’t say anything bad about New York or New England, because your listener is probably from there, or has relatives there.
    5) Retirees and snow birds drive very slowly, locals drive very quickly. The two in combination make for lots of traffic problems.

  4. fatbrat
    3:50 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    I am from the same home town as coach Doug Martin and he told me this week that during all his years as a player and coach, Gainesville is the only place that he as ever been robbed. During my travels over the years I have witnessed more Florida fans being thrown out of stadiums than any other fan base.

  5. Irwin R. Fletcher
    4:17 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    You left this one off your list:

    Q: What do you do when a Florida fan pulls a gun because you won’t move your kegs so he can park on top of the parking garage in 1997?

    A: You freeze. Then you thank God after his wife freaks out, shoves him back in the car & hauls ass outta there. Then you pour another beer.

  6. Juan4UK
    10:30 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    #1 on google search forbuff-coated nightjar ?


  7. Bill g
    10:52 pm September 18, 2015 Permalink

    The person in the Orange shirt and Jorts is Neel and he was my Gator son’s roommate while at UF. They were in Jacksonville for the UF/GA game and walking across a parking lot when the photo was taken. The guy on the left offered them a beer. The photo keeps popping up on the Internet every year. GO CATS!! My son graduated from Lex Dunbar and went to UK for a year before deciding to go to UF.