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Funkhouser’s Guide to New Year’s Eve TV


Happy final day of 2013!  One of the greatest (?) television traditions on this day are the New Year’s Eve Countdown shows.  Every year, each network and cable news channel parades out their “top stars” for you to spend the final moments of your year with, along with musicians who had no where else to be.  Some shows are nice enough to start at 11:30, so you only have to watch the countdown for 30 minutes, while others start at 8:00 PM for four hours of quality (?) television.  If you’ve decided to stay inside on New Year’s Eve and are trying to decide which channel to watch, Funkhouser is here to help with:

Funkhouser’s Guide To New Year’s Eve Celebration Shows



8:00 – 10:00 PM –  A Toast to 2013 with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb – “Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb are joined by celebrities as they’re reminded what happened in 2013, since they’ve been inebriated by 11:00 AM every morning this year”


10:00 – 10:58 PM – NBC New Year’s Eve with Carson Daly  – “The countdown for 2014 begins in Times Square, for those who can’t stay up to midnight, and are naturally put to sleep by Carson Daly.”

11:30 PM – 12:30 AM – NBC New Year’s Eve with Carson Daly  – “Jane Lynch co-hosts in NBC’s bizarro version of CNN’s New Years Eve with Anderson Cooper & Kathy Griffin. Also more Carson Daly.”

2:30 – 3:00 AM – Last Call with Carson Daly – “Why not?  Someone might actually be awake to watch this…”


New Years Rockin Eve

8:00 – 10:00 PM – New Years Rockin’ Eve Presents the 30 Greatest Women in Music – “Ryan Seacrest, Jenny McCarthy and Fergie countdown great female artists.  Fergie walks off set mid-show when she finds out she didn’t make the cut.  Two hours of seeing Lorde ranked in all 30 spots on the list.”

10:00 – 11:00 PM – Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2014 – “Seacrest, McCarthy and Fergie wait for an hour as the announcer finishes reading the longest television title in years.”

11:30 PM – 12:30 AM – Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest 2014 – “Seacrest makes a public announcement of his New Year’s Resolution to never try anything like Million Second Quiz again, vows for Matt Lauer’s job.  McCarthy goes on yearly quest to make out with every military person in Times Square.  Fergie sulks about not making the Top-30 list earlier in the evening.”



11:00 PM – 12:30 AM – New Year’s Eve Live – “Counting down to 2014, hosted by Mario Lopez.  Check out all the performers that couldn’t make it on NBC or ABC.  Also, Panic at the Disco!  We should have just done the Saved By The Bell reunion we discussed in July, but MPG and Tiffany Amber Thiessen declined, telling us they were on successful cable shows… we wouldn’t know.”




9:00 PM – 12:30 AM – New Year’s Eve Live with Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin – “Will we vow to never have Kathy Griffin on our show again for the fourth year in a row? Will Anderson Cooper giggle like a little girl after a fart joke?  Will Griffin’s 94 year old mother, Maggie, get to the bottom of three boxes of wine?  Find out the answers to all of these questions tonight at 9:00 PM.”  (The actual blurb on the cable box says, “No Information Available.”  That’s about right…)


Fox News


9:00 PM – 12:30 AM  – All-American New Year – “Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Bill Hemmer ring in the… you’ve stopped reading haven’t you?  What if we told you Willie and Korie Robertson are going to be on to talk about Phil?  You know, Phil Robertson?  Duck Dynasty? Have you been on Facebook in the last two weeks? Also: Susan Boyle performs.”


Article written by Richmond Bramblet

18 Comments for Funkhouser’s Guide to New Year’s Eve TV

  1. Rachel Lester
    3:10 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    I, for one, am always up for the awkwardness that is Kathy & Anderson. CNN FTW!

  2. Carl Jr
    3:15 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    I would have sworn Dick Clark was dead.

    • trey
      3:29 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

      Same here

  3. Bad
    3:23 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    You just have to show your liberal leanings dont you? Just talk about sports and leave the politics to someone else!

    • Chicken
      6:57 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

      Please go play in traffic.

    • schwing
      8:10 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

      zero political opinion in this post.

  4. shields eyes
    3:24 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    Matt and Drew on injured reserve for holiday…D league in the house.

  5. bbr
    3:44 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    sounds like Fox News will be my choice

    • schwing
      8:10 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

      that hassleback chick getting naked or something? that’s pretty much all she’s useful for.

  6. Um...
    3:47 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    All of those look horrible. Honestly if I wasn’t going out I’d probably just watch a movie or something.

  7. Well
    4:15 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    it is Mrs. Hasselbeck for me, and her sidekick, Bill Hemmer has roots in Kentucky. I will watch the Kentucky boy and the quarterback’s wife. Besides I have Direct TV and we do not get network shows.

  8. i guess
    5:16 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    That’s what people watch if they’re not getting laid

    • robuk
      5:13 am January 1, 2014 Permalink

      You can’t fix stupid with duct tape but you can muffle the sound! Dumbass!

  9. Stuck on Blue
    5:40 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    Boy, those are some great choices (sarcasam font). I think I will watch some basketball games instead. It has already gotten off to a good start, Indiana just lost to Illiois in OT. HaHaHaHaHaHa!

  10. CapitalH
    5:59 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    Since Anderson Cooper is the only one of the list I can tolerate, I believe I’ll be watching basketball followed by Doctor Who.

  11. schwing
    6:29 pm December 31, 2013 Permalink

    i would completely rip apart hoda & kathy lee. zero hesitation. kathy lee is stacked to the effing rafters if you haven’t paid attention. definitely getting in some dip & serve with her to hoda.

  12. robuk
    5:11 am January 1, 2014 Permalink

    Hey libtards Happy New Year from Fox news!!