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Funkhouser’s Guide to New Year’s Eve Television 2016

new-years-eve

Happy penultimate day of 2016!  One of the greatest (?) television traditions on December 31st is the New Year’s Eve Countdown show. Every year, each network and cable news channel parades out their “top stars” for you to spend the final moments of your year with, along with musicians who had nowhere else to be. Some shows are nice enough to start at 11:30, so you only have to watch the countdown for half an hour, while others start at 8:00 PM for four hours of quality-ish television.  If you’ve decided to stay in on New Year’s Eve, but have no idea which channel to watch, Funkhouser is here to help with:

Funkhouser’s Guide To New Year’s Eve Celebration Shows

NBC

toast

8:00-10:00 PM — A Toast to 2016 with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb —”Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb will ring in the New Year with a two-hour, star-studded New Year’s Eve primetime special from NBC News highlighting the best and buzziest stories from the past year.  The duo will even attempt a mannequin challenge, which will later be discovered to have been a self-induced alcohol coma.”

10:00-11:00 PM — Late Night With Seth Meyers New Year’s Eve Special — “In what is sure to be the most digestible show in the entirety of tonight’s television lineup, Seth welcomes Jennifer Lawrence, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Leslie Jones. No jokes here, save just a little of your sanity tonight and watch this.”

11:30-12:30 AM — New Year’s Eve w/ Carson Daly — “Host of Today’s Pop Start, (oh, that sounds like Pop Tart… on a morning show… we totally get it now) Carson Daly rings in the New Year with Mel B, along with performances from Alicia Keys, Pentatonix, Blake Shelton, and Jennifer Lopez.  Will J-Lo kiss Drake at Midnight?  Will Drake be sporting a “The Voice” shirt around Carson Daly to continue his bandwaggoner ways? And will Blake Shelton finally get that restraining order on Hoda Kotb?  Find out as the ball drops, tonight on NBC.”


ABC

secrest

8:00-10:00 PM — Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2017 — “Ryan Seacrest will host and lead the traditional countdown to midnight from Times Square in New York City as he has for the last 11 years, with live reporting from actress and comedian Jenny McCarthy.”

10:00-11:00 PM — Dick Clark’s Primetime New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2017 — “Yes Ryan, it appears as we are still awaiting for the ball to drop here in Time Square.  I’ll be down here for the next two hours deciding which Marine I’m going to make out with on the street at midnight. Back to you!” — Jenny McCarthy

11:30-1:09 AM — Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve With Ryan Seacrest 2017 — “The final 30 minutes of the countdown, as Mariah Carey is the final performance of 2016.  Elsewhere, Donny Wahlberg is pleading for Mark to allow him to leave the house so he can go rescue Jenny from those scoundrels in Times Square.  However, Mark puts on Netflix’s fake children’s New Year’s countdown at 11:35, and tucks Donnie into bed before the ball actually drops.”


FOX

pitbull

11:00 PM — 12:30 AM — Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution — “We learned our lesson from last year and have cut out two hours from Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution.  But, in the NYE special that is sure to be packed with 24: Legacy commercials, Mr. 305 welcomes today’s top acts: Biz Markie, Coolio, Rob Base, Naughty By Nature, Salt-n-Pepa, Tone Loc, Young MC, Queen Latifah, and Snoop Dogg.  We asked, but Da Brat declined our invitation…”


CNN

apology

8:00 PM — 12:30 AM — New Year’s Eve Live With Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin — “Yes, this is still a thing.  Yes, we know that Kathy Griffin will do something ridiculous.  Yes, we know this is four and a half hours of Anderson and Kathy just standing in front of the screen as Kathy tries to take off Anderson’s pants, while Anderson apologizes profusely.  We’re not really sure why we still do this, but what the hell, why would 2016 end any other way?”


 

Article written by Richmond Bramblet