Hello there, Funkhouseroos! With Thanksgiving behind us, we can finally focus on Christmas without getting upset at the “early” decorations and 90-Blah Point Blah’s All-Christmas Music All The Time, right? Now you can hear “Wonderful Christmastime,” Paul McCartney’s second-worst song, 2-5 times a day instead of never!
According to many studies, the feeling that we must buy friends and loved ones gifts for the holidays can be a major source of stress. I’ve encountered this as well, which is why I don’t buy anyone any presents anymore ever. Instead, I let others blow off steam by getting me stress-free gifts like cash, meals, entry into VIP clubs, champagne room favors, gift cards, and vacations. I’m easy to buy for, if you’re wondering.
I recently received from my 11-year-old nephew a want list with two dozen items, literally not a single one of which I had heard of. Since I don’t buy gifts for anyone ever, I wasn’t worried and commenced drinking my “bloody beer” (Miller Lite and Spicy V-8 juice–2 servings of veggies in every can). However, my kind and thoughtful wife has worried over it, so I told her not to fret because I have a list of gifts perfect for everyone from 1 to 101:
KSR FUNKHOUSER’S CAN’T-FAIL 2015 CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE
Pet Mud: Gary Dahl really screwed the stone pooch when he invented the Pet Rock in 1975. If he had let the idea marinate a little longer, he might have come up with Pet Mud. Easier to produce and ship, Pet Mud is fun for the whole family. Just buy Blammo’s Special Dirt and Glaceau Vitamin Water and watch your new Pet Mud take (no) shape. If you don’t get the one you want, just toss it out and try again until you get ones like Annie or Konstantin. If you’re disappointed, it’s your own fault!
Nerf 6-Barrel Copro-1 SplatterShot ShartGun: Nerf really hit the target this year, with its most advanced non-lethal foam-based weapon to date. The Nerf ShartGun can operate in 4 modes: Pellet, Stream, Spray, or Mist. If purchased new-in-package, it comes with 8 ShartDarts plus EZ-Reload clip (after-market products like Prunez allow you to create reload clips
yourself) and Recon Stabilizer Stool. Fun and reliable, but not easy to clean when it jams.
McLaren F1: the McLaren outlet store in Simpsonville is running a BOGO sale on these boogers. They’ll go quick, so get online now and order a few for yourself and friends.
“Escape” by Journey (on CD): this experimental prog-rock album has somehow flown under the radar for 34 years. It deserves a second chance. When you hear a revelation like “Don’t Stop Believin’,” you’ll wonder how you didn’t hear this at karaoke bars, bars with digital jukeboxes, bars with non-digital jukeboxes, bars with drunk people, stoplights next to 1989 Toyota Corollas, and every wedding that has taken place since 1981. (If you can even find it on vinyl, snap it up no matter the cost, sell it on eBay and enjoy early retirement, my friend!)
1989 Toyota Corolla: this beaut is leagues better than the 1988 Corolla and outperforms even the vaunted 2012 Corolla in the Condiment Packets Forgotten In Glovebox test. If your grandparents try to get you a McLaren F1 or some such bullshit, tell
them no thanks–you’ll take the tried-and-true ’89 ‘Rolla. Like wine, cars get better with age!
“And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dredd” by Penguin House Publishing (book and CD): do you have kids who know what books are, or were? Do they enjoy traditional children’s tales AND Judge Dredd’s no-nonsense style of justice? Then you’ll love this book and accompanying CD retelling of classic morality tales, with characters replaced by Judge Dredd, read by Karl Urban and definitely not Sylvester Stallone since there was no other movie about Judge Dredd, do you understand? Hear what happens to the bloodthirsty witch when she attempts to eat Hansel and Dreddel. Read what becomes of Goldilocks when Papa Dredd realizes she has violated the sanctity of their home and pantry. You won’t soon forget the tales from Judge, Jury, and Locutioner!
Stuffed Squid (Anatomically Correct): for the budding or already budded scientist, there can be no better gift than a real, not alive, taxidermically prepared cephalopod. WARNING: this thing has all the parts and no clothing, if you catch my drift, so display at your own risk. Must-have accessory: automatic moistener and rotating disco ball light display. Do not eat. Ships with desiccant packets, which you should also not eat.
Uncle Lowell’s Wheat Penny (in his gun safe): remember that penny your uncle had with the weird feather-things on either side of the “ONE CENT” stamping that he swore would be worth a thousand dollars one day? Well, it is! If you have 100,000 of them! Your uncle wasn’t wrong, just bad at math and the economics of scarcity and–ok, your uncle was wrong. He’s been wrong about a bunch of other things, like driving your F150 with hundreds of pounds of sandbags over your rear axle to “make it ride better,” and everything he told you about women, though you probably figured that out by now. A buffalo nickel, now that there’s something you want to keep an eye out for.
Aquarium: do you want your children to see the dark side of nature? Do you want your innocent progeny to witness the fragility of life when those neon tetras you just bought die within two hours because the temperature gradient between your water and the pet store’s was two freaking degrees? DO YOU WANT TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR DAUGHTER WHY THE MOMMY FISH IS EATING HER BABIES? Then by all means, get an aquarium! Spend more time burying gold fish in earring boxes and marking graves with crosses made of popsicle sticks than you spend with your spouse. Convince yourself you’ll clean the gravel next weekend. Actually, just head to the Newport Aquarium twice a year and save yourself a ton of money, time, and headache.
iPhone 8: get this for a close friend or loved one before it even exists! They’ll be the talk of the town with the 8’s neural interface and cerebrospinal jack. Use predictive text to form and send messages before you even think them. Access levels of Candy Crush and Boom Beach that use alien mathematics. Speak slowly and enunciate clearly to Siri so she/he/it can screw up your requests. Still never use the Health App that you can’t delete. You’ll have to adjust your settings so that the phone doesn’t automatically download all the information in existence and jack up your data charges.
Just over 3 weeks left, so get to shopping!