Depending on who you ask, Summerslam is the second biggest wrestling event of the year behind Wrestlemania. Last year’s Summerslam event saw the Undertaker take on Brock Lesnar, and Seth Rollins defeat John Cena with the help of a steel chair from The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart. This year’s pay-per-view looks to break the mold of former Summerslam cards by being the first co-branded event since the brand extension draft. Now that Raw and Smackdown have different rosters, there’s going to be a lot of locker room shots of everyone wearing their brand shirts as Brock Lesnar and Randy Orton tear the house down. Also, we’re going to get a lot of Shane and Stephanie arguing back and forth with one another. So different…
As always, we thought at Funkhouser that we would predict the outcomes of the matches happening at the four (yes) four hour Summerslam event. Josh and I try our hands at figuring out what the hell is going on. Who will make more correct guesses on a scripted sporting event? Only time will tell.
6 5-Woman Tag Match
Richmond: So it’s been a rough week for the WWE. First, Alberto Del Rio gets a 30-day suspension for violating the talent-wellness policy. A day later, his girlfriend Paige gets dinged with a 30-day suspension for a wellness policy violation. Then yesterday we find out that Eva Marie, who undeniably has had some enhancement involved, got a 30-day wellness suspension. What’s in the drinking water over there? So, as of right now it’s a 2-3 match, so I’ll just go with Becky, Carmella and Naomi, because there’s it’s three against two. Also my favorite reddit thread yesterday said “Breaking: Bob Backlund has been Suspendered”. That’s gold right there.
Josh Juckett: Becky Lynch’s team – because Becky Lynch
Cesaro -vs- Sheamus (1st in a Best of Seven Series)
R: Woof. I love Cesaro. I’ll say it over and over again, but it becomes harder to believe that he’s going to get a shot at the top title for quite some time. So, they put him in these mid-card feuds with people who can go, but are boring to watch, ahem, Sheamus. So, they’ve wrestled multiple times over the past couple of weeks, now we’re going to put them in a best of seven series? Not best of five? And they’re definitely going to spread this out to all seven. So, I’m picking Sheamus, only because it would be silly to have Cesaro, the good guy, go ahead 1-0. He needs odds to overcome.
The Miz -vs- Apollo Crews
R: The Miz is in this weird spot right now where, and it’s hard to admit this, he’s actually entertaining again. There was a time where he got lost in the shuffle and was starting to just exist. But, now that he’s surrounded by Maryse, he’s got something going for him. Apollo Crews is a big, muscular, athletic, agile dude. He just doesn’t have much of a personality other than smiling a lot. And he has great smile. This is a tough one to call, but I’m going to say The Miz retains.
Enzo & Big Cass -vs- JeriKO
R: Enzo and Cass are the hottest thing going in wrestling today. They come down the ramp to fans saying along with their catchphrases, reminiscent of The New Age Outlaws in their prime. Enzo comes out and spits out a bunch of nonsense one liners, topped off with some how you doin’s and the place goes nuts. On the other end of the spectrum, you have Chris Jericho, who may be having one of his greatest runs in the last decade. He’s got great catchphrases of his own, really pulling together the cool-dad vibe he’s been close to having over the past couple of years. His partner is Kevin Owens, an always on, brilliant wrestler who is just hilarious by nature. This should be a good match, but in Brooklyn, Enzo and Cass pick up the win to set up a Jericho-Owens feud post Summerslam.
J: I like to call them Y2JKO– this name mash up is too good to not win. Future tag team champions and not just some weird gimmick that makes for awkward backstage interviews.
The New Day (c) -vs- The Club
(Tag Team Championship Match)
R: Let’s explain this feud. Gallows and Anderson (The Club) targeted third New Day member, Big E, by crotching him on the ring post and putting him out of action for 3 weeks. Since then The Club has been dressing up as doctors and making ball jokes while holding jars with fake testicles in them, wanting to take specimens from Kofi and Xavier Woods. That’s it. That’s what this feud has come down to. One of two things happen. 1) Big E makes a return to clean house and either forces a DQ or gives the New Day the win -or- 2) The Club takes out weakest link Xavier Woods and wins the tag team championships to give them something to do, because otherwise they really have nothing going on. I think it will be the latter. The Club for the win.
J: The New Day– Their dominance will end when Y2JKO takes them out.
Sasha Banks (c) -vs- Charlotte (Women’s Title Match)
R: Sasha won the title from Charlotte on the first real Smackdown of the “New Era”, solidifying her spot at the top of the Women’s Division mountain. Since then, Charlotte has been trying to climb back to the top with the help of her protÃ©gÃ© Dana Brooke. Dana has been banned from ringside for the match, but I feel like she’ll still get involved. However, Bayley coming off of her loss to Asuka, will be the equalizer and keep Dana at bay(ley). Sasha retains, because of course she does.
J: Charlotte – Solid rivalries need title changes.
Rusev (w/Lana)(c) -vs- Roman Reigns (U.S. Title Match)
R: It’s been a long fall for the Roman Empire. Roman Reigns is about a month off of his 30-day wellness violation, that cost him his title and took him out of the WWE Championship picture. So how do you rebuild Roman Reigns? You throw him against Rusev, the American hating United States Champion. Here’s the problem… Rusev has been keeping it 100 ever since he won the title. He’s been taking the mic and rubbing it in opponents children’s faces on Fathers Day for goodness sake. He’s been doing some top level stuff, not to mention, he’s a great performer. I think Roman Reigns wins this one, but I’m not happy about it.
J: Reigns – does everybody still hate him? (Yes)
John Cena -vs- AJ Styles
R: This is a hard one to call. You’ve got ‘big match John’, who can pull out an amazing match with just about anyone at any time that he wants. Then you’ve got AJ Styles, who I don’t think has ever had a bad match in his time in WWE. Plus, AJ’s goal since he got to the WWE has been to… #BeatUpJohnCena. This is going to be the third and final battle between the two, at least for a while, and John and Enzo & Cass defeated the Club at the Battleground PPV, but he hasn’t gotten a clean win over Styles in the feud. Gotta think that the ‘face that runs the place’ AA’s Styles from the top rope for the win. Big Match John wins this one.
J: Cena– The redemption of Jon Stewart
Dean Ambrose (c) -vs- Dolph Ziggler (WWE Championship Match)
R: Hmm. Dean Ambrose is the unlikely champion that has made his way to the top using his Money in the Bank briefcase on the night that he won it. He’s such an awkward person to be the WWE Champion, but it works for him and the fans seem to love him. Plus he’s from Cincinnati, so he’s got that going for him. Dolph Ziggler has been so close for so long. The last time he got a big title around his waist, he got a concussion, and has been labeled as injury prone, despite being one of the best performers in the WWE. I think since we’re getting a new Universal champion, we don’t necessarily need a title change here, so Ambrose keeps the title and feuds with the winner of Cena/Styles.
J: Ambrose – i really don’t like Ziggler.
Finn Balor -vs- Seth Rollins
R: Man, I have mixed feelings about this one. Seth Rollins is one of the most consistent wrestlers on the WWE roster, day in and day out. He plays his role so perfectly, that you can’t help but hate him, but recognize how good he is at the same time. He was the #1 pick in the WWE Brand Extension Draft, and you would think that he has to be THE MAN to be the first WWE Universal Champion, whatever that is. However, for some reason, I think that we’re all-in on this Demon King Finn Balor. That sounds negative against Balor, but it’s not. Balor/Rollins will tear the house down in what will probably be the match of the night. Honestly, I don’t care who wins this, I’ll be happy either way, but in terms of making a decision, I’ll call Balor, so that the original (Bullet) Club will hold top titles by the end of the night.
J: Rollins– This is Finns chance to show he can move a major pay-per-view needle, but a Finn win would feel too much like the WWE forcing him on fans Ã la Cena and Reigns.
Brock Lesnar -vs- Randy Orton
R: This match I’m not overly excited for, but this is being billed in all the previews as the major draw of the show. Lesnar is coming off of his UFC 200 victory, which has been tainted by the fact that he tested positive for some sort of banned substance. Note: Lesnar doesn’t get at 30-day suspension like everyone else when he tests positive, maybe because the results aren’t out yet, and WWE didn’t do the test. Also, Lesnar’s last couple of matches have been suplex-repeat-suplex-repeat. Which we loved when it was against John Cena in a major victory, but against everyone else, Suplex City is starting to lose its population of fans. Randy Orton on the other hand is returning from injury and just seems like he’s having a good time right now. Orton gains nothing with a loss here, and frankly, neither does Lesnar. Orton needs the win, in his first match back from injury, so I pick Orton. Plus, how many times do you think they’ve practiced the F5-into RKO out of Nowhere?
J: Orton- my take on the match: Ortons shoulder injury is played up until he mounts a seemingly impossible comeback against Lesnar and Heyman to win.