When it comes to The Bachelor I’m here for three things. The cat fighting, the tears, and the delusion. While you can argue that those three things are one in the same, you probably shouldn’t. If you are here for an in depth review of what girl he should pick, go somewhere else. You won’t enjoy this. I have no interest in the final outcome of the show. The future happiness or despair of the contestants on this show is of no concern to me. He will pick someone, they will be apart “trying to make it work” while the show airs. They will appear happy at the reunion show, then you’ll see something like this or this a week or a month later. The format of this column, as always, will be a running diary of my thoughts throughout the show. There a lot of places to go for Bachelor commentary so let me thank you for choosing a sports website. Let’s get involved, what do you say?
If you missed the preview posted last night you can go back and check that out here.
8:05- They are interviewing past contestants. I wish someone would reach into my eyes and pull my eyeballs out and then throw them into a step show scene from Stomp the Yard.
8:10- The Bachelor. Breaking hearts and breaking twitter. Like for real. Twitter doesn’t work.
8:15- They trot Sean & Catherine out like show ponies as if to say “Hey everyone look our show works!” while behind them all the girls and guys who it didn’t work for mingle with one another and hit on random people on the crowd.
8:18- A girl that got engaged on Bachelor in Paradise just told Chris Harrison they were 80/40 decided on a date. I’m just gonna leave that one right there for you. You keep that one. It’s on the house. In fact, Drew loves you so much he’s got it right here for you.
8:26- They asked Amanda why she was single. She replied “Can I say it’s because I’m f****** crazy?” Yes, you can. Because you are trying to find love on national television. And because you live with your mom. And because it’s true.
8:28- WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
8:29- Mackenzie, who made me go in on 21 year olds in the preview last night, is a 21 year old mom. I guess the immature 21 year old stuff doesn’t really apply to her. But I don’t take it back.
8:30- Kelsey, of date diarrhea fear fame, reveals she is a widow. Really didn’t wait all that long to pile on the heavy stuff, huh ABC?
8:36- Andi just rubbed Josh’s back for three straight minutes while they were being interviewed. Like a genie was going to pop out.
8:49- Nikki was interviewed for far too long by Chris Harrison. This is what I came away from it with. Nikki and Juan Pablo have different lifestyles and are different people. I don’t know how many different ways it can be said, but they’ve done about 10 so far.
8:55- The first hour was so unnecessary. Nobody cares about you interviewing washed up reality show stars except washed up reality show stars.
9:00- The main show begins with the obligatory bachelor showering outside scene.
9:03- Amanda called Chris’ smile a panty dropper.(Also see 8:26 above.) So yeah, I’m hoping Amanda stays around for a few weeks.
9:07- Britt just gave the longest hug that didn’t turn into more in the history of this show. (Editor’s note: It turned into more.)
9:08- WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
9:09- Megan from Nashville what’s up? Like, for real. What are you up to now that the show is over? It’s okay. Just me and you talking here. Check out my mix tape on MySpace.
9:11- Can we all just agree right now that props are bad? Can we? Props are always bad. Reegan creeped America out with her heart trick and made Drew stop watching. “This show physically pains me. That’s it. The heart did it for me. I’m done.”
9:12- The sports fishing enthusiast Tara rolled up in daisy dukes and asked for a Jameson on the rocks. Then she changed her mind (not about the drink), put on a dress that revealed a back tattoo, and introduced herself again. And what a STRONG PLAY by Chris to recognize her. I would’ve been all like “Oh hello so nice to meet you, person I’ve never met before.”
9:21- Ashley S. told Chris she found a lucky penny in the airport and she wants to put it in his shoe. (Editor’s note: This doesn’t even come close to the craziest thing she will do.)
9:24- Kaitlyn put together the most amazing 3 consecutive minutes I’ve ever seen on this show. When she walked up she told Chris “you can plow my *expletive* field any day.” By itself it would have been legendary. But then she followed it up with this joke when everyone was together; “Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party? Cause he wanted to find a tight seal.” PLEASE LET HER GET A ROSE.
9:30- People are tweeting about the lack of Chris’ top lip and now I can’t think about anything else or look at anything else.
9:38- Production meeting: “Let’s fly in 6 women from Chris’ hometown in Iowa and have them all stand up during the live show. Then, lets only interview two of them while the rest of them stand there smiling. IT’LL BE GREAT TV.” The truth is, production was right. I couldn’t stop laughing.
9:43- WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
9:45- So, 15 girls got there a few hours before the second 15 girls. And these girls that have been there since the start are getting a little tipsy. I can’t wait until that starts working against them. Because it will. (Editor’s Note: It will.)
9:53- The girls that have been there for a while and are tipsy are now spying on the later arriving girls as they get out of the limo. The spying is not a good look, in my opinion. But that’s just because it gets them further away from the bar.
9:55- The cruise ship singer was simply dreadful. Just the worst. I would have just told her to get back in the limo. It looked like she stole that karaoke machine from a daycare.
9:57- “Make the girls stop coming!” That’s a real and true thing a girl just said on television.
10:01- Shoutout to Krista Grey from Brownsville representing the blue and white, but that’s about it. She told Chris that they would make beautiful babies. Not exactly the first thing a guy wants to hear you say. I’m sure if she had it to do over again she might go with something less creepy, like…
10:07- This show is moving really fast. Like, faster than Clare and Juan Pablo.
10:13- I told you the booze was going to start working against them. The first victim is the blonde girl in the silver dress, Ashley S. She talked about onions and walking through sunflower fields and then she pulled a pomegranate off a tree and all she said was “wow.” And at that point all I could say was “wow.” It was like Wow Fest 2015 for a few minutes. Ashley S., Kevin Durant has something he’d like to say to you…
10:15- “If you and I were at a bar and we were going to sing a karaoke duet what would we sing?” Very legit question. Thanks for asking. My answer is A Whole New World from Aladdin, or Put It On Me by Ja Rule, Lil Mo & Vita. I know there is a big difference there. We’d just have to feel out the crowd.
10:16- Tara, the sports fishing enthusiast, is an American hero. She’s been drinking Jack on the rocks all night and just belched loudly. Turkey Hunter gave Tara a rose.
“Tara, will you accept this rose?” pic.twitter.com/uRnzJCHby4
– Turkey Hunter (@TurkeyHunterKSR) January 6, 2015
10:19- Chris and Britt kissed in the club when he gave her the first impression rose. I gotta take the next week off work and dedicate my life to stockpiling roses.
10:22- This moment is too big for the Iowa women Chris Harrison keeps interviewing. They’re like Chris Jones against Kentucky.
10:30- Kaitlyn gets the first rose. A great start for #TeamCrazy.
10:32- Jade gets the second rose. I think she’s the one who asked about karaoke, so she’s obviously cool.
10:33- “As he is handing out the roses, I think a lot of the girls are going through a lot of internal emotions.” Yeah, mainly Tara, who is battling extreme intoxication.
10:34- Samantha gets a rose. Big fan of her brand. Just like what she’s putting out there.
10:35- Ashley I. the freelance journalist gets a rose. If you didn’t read the preview it’s worth it just to see how Tomlin predicts her freelance career started and will proceed.
10:35- Something called a Kendra just got a rose and I don’t know one thing about her. I don’t think she spoke on this episode other than saying thank you for the rose. Kentucky Kera is none too pleased…
10:36- Nikki gets a rose. Diarrhea Kelsey gets a rose. Megan from Nashville gets a rose. Tara the sports fishing enthusiast drunkenly mumbles “I’m delirious.” She’s got that wobble going. That stare. You know the one. Where a person is looking near you but not really at you. Yeah, that’s the one. She’s a bigger underdog than Lehigh and Mercer against Duke right now, but we really need her to survive and advance. She’s the girl you see guys huddled around at the party. The guys who are trying to act all like “Yeah I’m just gonna make sure she gets home safe and stuff. Not trying any funny business. Move along. Nothing to see here.”
10:37- Amber, the bartender from Chicago, gets a rose. Tara, American Hero, how do you feel about it?
Hang in there Tara. You’re showing a lot of heart.
10:37- Juelia gets a rose. Becca gets a rose. And it’s this point that I think America falls in love with Tara. Just watch this.
10:40- Chris leaves the rose ceremony because he doesn’t know what to do about Tara. He wants to pick her but also realizes she got over served by herself tonight. Let’s hope he does the right thing.
10:41- Mackenzie gets a rose. Tracy gets a rose. AND THEN TARA gets a rose. LETTTTTTSSS GOOOOOOOO TARA GET IN HERE!! This is the equivalent of a 16 over a 1.
10:42- Jordan gets a rose. Jillian gets a rose. Whitney gets a rose. WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!! WHITNEY!!
10:43- Carly gets the 2nd to last rose and avoids heading back to the cruise ship microphone for now.
10:44- Ashley S., who picked a pomegranate that she though was an onion, gets a rose. This was a huge coup for #TeamCrazy.
10:45- The walk of shame is happening now for those who didn’t get a rose. And I just want to point out one thing. It is light outside. Did this go all night? No wonder these girls are so drunk, tired, and delirious.
10:46- Speaking of drunk, tired, and delirious… Kimberly just walked back in the house after she didn’t get a rose. How is this even allowed? Are there no rules? Is nothing sacred? My only guess is the producers thought she might slap him. She didn’t. And now we have to wait until next week to find out what happens. I think they call that a cliffhanger in the biz. I call it “who cares just give Tara some more whiskey and ice.”
Until next week… I’m Flener, and this was my Bachelor Running Diary for Episode 1.