Hello, friends. You’re looking well. I hope you’re enjoying the summer so far. I see you have a bit of a “farmer’s tan” going on there. But why is there a tan line above your belly too? Where are you wearing cut-off t-shirts? Also, why am I even seeing you without a shirt on? We’re not that level of friends yet.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that high school graduation season is upon us, where schools across the country are finally catching up to their snow days and sending their seniors out into the world. If you’re like me, you also enjoy reading or watching commencement speeches from some schools’ famous alumni as they return to impart wisdom to the students of their alma maters. Here, then, is a short list of some of this wisdom thus far in a piece we’ll call Celebrity Graduation Speeches. Shall we? We shall. And, as always, have a great weekend.
“Work hard, do your best, take care of your friends and colleagues, be good to your parents, be loyal to those who love you and always, always, always assume that any microphone you see is ON.”
“Always be open to changes in life, because life will change at every turn. One day you may be a famous defensive end in the National Football League; the next day you may have a sitcom on FOX or you’re hosting a cooking demonstration on Good Morning America or you and Kelly Ripa are challenging The Rock to an egg-and-spoon relay at a live remote from Disney World. Be open to these opportunities. Also, eat at Subway. And use Metamucil. Basically, just say yes to everything because God forbid you aren’t on television for two seconds.”
“After you leave high school today you’ll learn that in the real world some choices in life will be hard, like figuring out where you’ll live or who you’ll choose to spend your life with. Some choices will be easy, like whether or not to make two-hundred-and-seventy million dollars to fight in a boxing match. My advice to you, should you be offered this latter decision, is to take the money, dick around for a while in the ring, don’t really do anything, then spend the next three years tweeting pictures of yourself gambling away gigantic stacks of that money. People love that.”
“Best of luck, Seniors, on a fruitful life ahead. I wish you nothing but the best and I look forward to seeing more from all of you in the future. Especially you, blonde girl in the sixth row, fourth from the left. I taped my phone number under your chair.”
“I’m going to give you the secret advice someone gave me a long time ago, and it will help you to be successful your entire life: two PSI.”
“Adjusting to life as an adult is hard. Like, say, maybe you have this guy at your work who’s really good at his job, and you guys are constantly, you know, vying for the same positions, and then one day he falls on his head and you’re like ‘great, now maybe I have a little leg up,’ but then he comes back and plays anyway. I mean, c’mon. And you’re like ‘who comes back to play after falling on your head like that?’ Not play, I mean work. In a workplace, I mean, not a basketball court or something. I’m talking about you guys. Not me.”
“Who Up, Grover Cleveland High School for the Performing and Visual Arts?”