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Crush ‘Em

Much like a DEA tail that you can’t shake, the Candy Crush Saga has been following me around for the past few months and won’t leave me alone.  One of my best friends in Mobile would play it non-stop at work in between customer calls.  My aunt wakes up an extra hour early every day in order to get in some Crushin’ before she goes to work.   It’s apparently the most popular game on Facebook right now, and the best selling iPhone app ever.

My first question, isn’t that just Bejeweled?  Apparently yes, but with a story!  A story?  After (dog) hours* of searching the best I can figure out Tiffi, the main character of the game, travels the world crushin’ some mad candy.  She’s assisted by a tall, ginger dude named Mr. Toffee who rides around the world in his creeper van (I’m assuming) giving her a boost now and then.  Together they apparently help other people in the candy world with their problems, which seems to consist of an excess of candy.  I’d like to read up on the incidence of Diabetes in the candy crush world, something tells me it puts the good ol’ US of A to shame.

I don’t normally get into too many mobile games (console games are a different story) but, for you BBN, I decided to get you an outsider’s view on the Candy Crush Saga Craze.  Here’s the play-by-play of my foray into Candy Crush:

1.  Candy Crush and Candy Crush Saga are two different things, apparently.


2.  If you don’t have Facebook, Candy Crush Saga doesn’t want you!

Without having a Facebook page, there are a lot of games that they’ve blocked me from playing (I’ve never even seen Farmville, I only know of it, not even sure if it’s a thing anymore).  It’s a good thing I have an account I can borrow! Thanks, Erin!

3.  I can’t figure out any discernible strategy, I’m just clicking on things.


It would make more sense to me if there were a finite number of pieces of candy and the point was to get rid of it all.

4.  I’m mediocre at this…


49th place, huh?  That’s fine, I still got three stars which is really good… I think.



I am the lord of Candy Crush.  Maybe I’m finally getting a strategy or something, I mean 50K points higher than anyone else?

6.  I don’t understand how I lost at all, but this game is stupid.


What the heck?  I had like 50 moves and one “jelly block” left.  How did I lose?  This game is stupid and I don’t get it.

7.  I beat level 10 out of principle alone, but now I’m done.

CCrush18 CCrush14

8.  Seriously, I’m leaving.

Well, as you can see I clicked and crushed my way to no real goal.  I made it to World 2 and I crushed more candy than there is in all the grandma’s candy bowls in all of Texas (judging by the hard candy my grandmother kept, that’s a lot.).  But I just don’t understand what the strategy is or where the saga is going.  I’ve sat here for an hour and just clicked randomly on the screen, which is apparently enough to beat the game.  I’m clearly not the best at it, judging by all of the high-scores above mine, but I don’t think I’m willing to put in the time in order to be the best at this.

How is this the most popular game on Facebook, or the iPhone?  I don’t understand how anyone spends any amount of time doing this at all, this is boring and there doesn’t seem to be enough content here to justify the hours spent on it.  People, I’m out, no more Candy Crush for me. Count me as a hater.  You can keep your Candy Crush and I’ll catch y’all later.


(Stands up.  Leaves RoomEveryone reading this follows suit and stops reading the post.)




Cue the music.  Crush ‘Em.

*If 1 human year is 7 dog years then using the same conversion I spent 8 and 1/2 minutes looking per hour claimed.

Article written by Kalan Kucera

So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?

1 Comment for Crush ‘Em

  1. Recovering Crusher.
    2:08 am September 3, 2013 Permalink

    Hi. I’m Amanda. And I’m a crusher.

    It’s been 64 days since my last crush. I made it all the way to level 82 but I just couldn’t make it work. After weeks of consistently being late to work because I was crushed-over, and nearly losing the love of my life, MacKenzie, because I never paid attention to her, I thought it was time for a big change.

    So I moved to The Big Apple! My life is finally looking up. I snagged a great job, began feverishly pursuing my career in opera, and Kenzie is purring like a kitten again.

    There’s only one problem… The subway. EVERYONE, sometimes literally every single person taking the N/Q from Astoria to Manhattan and back, is playing Candy Crush Saga! I become jittery. I have to close my eyes and concentrate hard on my RadioLab podcast.

    Then it happens. We’re delayed. My downloaded podcast about blood or how rocks are thoughts is over and we’re stuck in a tunnel. I’m just gonna take my earphones out…

    “Devine!” The man across from me, the one who looks like he possibly stole someone’s iPhone just to have one more crush, has his volume at max. (Usually people have their headphones in or sound off, even if stolen.) I look to my right. CRUSH. Left. CRUSH. Down at my phone. CRUSH.

    I am a crusher and it has been one day since my last crush.