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Could “4.1 James” Beat These Fictional Speedsters in a Footrace?

If you didn’t get to listen to the KSR radio show today, you missed one of the top-five callers of all time. James, who called in yesterday and displayed his fine knowledge for the game of football, stated that when he was younger, he ran the 40 in 4.1 seconds (it’s Wikipedia official).  Faster than Deion Sanders, like lightning, like a .22 bullet. James is fast… really fast.  At age 42, James can still run a 4.3 (I smell a footrace between Ryan Lemond and James).  But after the now famous call today, I had to wonder, is James faster than these fictional athletes?

1) Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez

Benny the Jet

They say “The Jet” has lost a step or two, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw some fireworks in a footrace between James and Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.  The leader of the gang in “The Sandlot” was well known for being fast on his feet, but what was Benny Rodriguez’s secret weapon to make him the fastest on the block?  It all can be attributed to shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher, P.F. Flyers.  If these shoes could make “The Jet” outrun “The Beast,” then Benny could be a top contender for James’ “Fastest Man on the Planet” title.

2) Forrest Gump

Gump

If Forrest Gump ran against James in a footrace, even if he didn’t win the competition, he’d just keep on running anyway.  After trying to run away from some bullies, Forrest realizes that he’s got some foot speed, no longer needing the braces that he had been wearing on his legs.  Gump was so fast, that after escaping another set of bullies in a car, he cut through the middle of a football game like Morganna the Kissing Bandit and literally ran into a scholarship from the University of Alabama. Arguably one of the greatest football kickoff returners, Gump even used James’ tactic of “Dodge then Cut” to make his opponents miss tackles, twice.  It’s a good thing for James that it would be a sprint, because Forrest could run for three straight years if need be.  Say what you will about Gump, he sure is fast.

3) Maniac Magee (Provided by: Brennan English)

ManiacMagee
Maniac Magee is like the homeless, child version of Forest Gump. He runs and runs because he has nowhere to go and nowhere in particular to be–he just has to keep moving.  The protagonist, a boy simply known as the Maniac becomes a legend in the town of Two Mills, Pennsylvania. With athleticism and panache, Maniac saves a child from the evil Finsterwald’s backyard (similar to the home of The Beast in The Sandlot), unties an untieable knot to win a lifetime supply of pizza, teaches an illiterate groundskeeper to read, and beats the fastest kid in town, Mars Bar Thompson, in a foot race.  The story ends up on a high note as Maniac finds a running partner, his former rival, Mars Bar, who helps Maniac find a permanent home and a real family.

4) Derice Bannock

Derice Bannock

“We’ve got the one Derice…”  Derice Bannock was poised to be one of the fastest men in the world.  In the movie “Cool Runnings,” he competed in the 1988 Sumer Olympic Trials, trying to become a member of the Jamaican National Team.  We’ll never truly know how fast Derice Bannock was if he hadn’t been tripped by ole’ Junior Bevil.  I do have a good feeling though that Derice could give James a run for his money, especially if James gets distracted by the kissing booth that Sanka would have set up on the starting line.  Oh Sanka…

5) Zack Morris

Zack Morris

Preppy may have been the fastest runner in Bayside High.  We learn of Zack’s speed in the episode “Running Zack”, where Morris goofs off on his family heritage project and risks not being able to run in the track meet.  When one person’s participation in a track meet means winning or losing, they’ve got to be fast, right?  We also find out that, like James who is 5/8ths Cherokee, Zack is also 1/32nd Native American.  Zack pulls out the big guns (read: full Navtive American regalia) on his presentation and is able to race in the track meet against Valley (were there any other schools in the state of California?).  We are to presume that Zack wins the race, because why wouldn’t he?  Also, Morris holds an unfair advantage to be able to call “Time Out” in order to stop time, allowing him to get to the finish before James has a chance to leave the blocks.

 

Did we miss any fictional fast athletes?  Let us know in the comments below or hit me up on Twitter @rbramblet.

Article written by Richmond Bramblet

5 Comments for Could “4.1 James” Beat These Fictional Speedsters in a Footrace?



  1. Carlos Toomer
    7:14 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    Zack would also have intelligence on his side, based on his 1502 SAT score. However, lugging around that giant cell phone might even things out.



  2. Richmond Bramblet
    8:42 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    He also has Albert Clifford Slater as his strength and conditioning coach, while Jessie is force feeding him caffeine pills so he can practice longer…



  3. Badgercat
    10:19 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    How about Jerry Seinfeld? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Dzz_BIMzzg He obviously would need a false start to win, but heck so would neon deion at 4.1 for a 40! AMIRITE?



  4. Richmond Bramblet
    10:47 pm September 19, 2013 Permalink

    URRITE… Plus with all his Mandelbaum training, he’d be unstoppable



  5. Appgate
    11:25 am September 20, 2013 Permalink

    The only sprinter James has a chance of beating is national hero, QWOP Guy.

    http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view1/1657797/qwop-breakdance-o.gif