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Congratulations from UCLA!


Dear Blaze,

Congratulations! This letter is to inform you that you have been officially accepted to the University of California — Los Angeles for the 2016-17 enrollment year. My name is Mitzi Goldstein-Barker and I’m the head “Casting Director” for UCLA student services — and I’m pleased to tell you that you’ve been “green-lit” for a great education!

And boy, are you going to love your “supporting cast!” Whether you’re tooling down Sunset trying to score some coke with your new roommate or studying hard for professor Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ Victorian Literature course, you’ll always find yourself as part of a great “ensemble piece” in your own boffo personal “bio pic!”

At UCLA you’ll have the world at your fingertips with specialized courses of study in the fields of:

-Former Acting
-Pool Maintenance
-Human Sushi Table
…and many more!

Where else can you grab a half-caff on your way to Advanced Meditation Dynamics and still be there in time to chit-chat with the son of Law & Order producer Dick Wolff? Only at UCLA! And don’t forget to enter each semester for a chance to play the body of a murdered college student on CBS’ hit new drama CSI: Cyber! It’s America’s Most Watched Network!â„¢

As always, UCLA remains the only university in the country that allows acceptable absences for callbacks. Just send an email to Dean of Academics Dirk Benedict in advance and get ready to wow your casting director as “Lifeguard #2!” Success always gets top billing at UCLA!

More information will be coming shortly on your housing designation, but as of today I can tell you that you have been assigned to [Jan-Michael Vincent Hall] which was specifically selected for you because your application informs us that you are an avid [blonde person]! We just know you will love [being a blonde person] with many other students who share your same passions!

As a first-year student, you’re sure to find plenty of on-campus activities to keep you busy. Attend meetings at the British Accent Club, discuss acting technique with the “Friends of Stanislavski” Group, do some shopping at UCLA’s on-campus “Scarf Bazaar” or get bussed to Los Angeles’ top night-spots as one of a very famous Scientiologist’s “youthful entourage”…it pays up to $50 a night and you could be his next wife! Just remember: AT UCLA your parents are expecting you to disappoint them — why not get started right away? Anything is possible! Why toil away at a midwestern state school when you could be smoking pot with your Intro to Genre Film teacher on the beach and sleeping with him while his wife takes their kids to Vail over their private school break?

Seeking spiritual enlightenment? UCLA has you covered with an entire catalogue of available holistic classes and regimens! Just watch your family’s eyes roll at Thanksgiving when you start extolling the mental, physical and universal, cosmic benefits of yogas like:

-Emeka Okafor

Plus, UCLA is still the only university in the United States who won’t judge you for dropping out after two years and will still consider you an alumni if you get famous (we still love you, Jack Black!). You’ll never have to worry about being hit on by aging USC quarterback Matt Leinart and UCLA is still the only campus in America which guarantees you a 67% chance of a Mark Harmon sighting at all times.

For a quality education with stunning scenery and at least one-third of the cast of the Disney Channel’s hit sitcom Jessie, you can’t beat the University of California – Los Angeles. And remember that at UCLA, DO call us and we WILL call you!

We look forward to seeing you next fall. Ciao!


Mitzi Goldstein-Barker
Student Services

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

11 Comments for Congratulations from UCLA!

  1. afidler
    1:12 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

    “and will still consider you an alumni ”

    Anyone who ever attended a school, even for a week, is still an alumnus of that school.

    Also, UCLA is far and away a better academic school than UK, so let’s not go casting stones like that. Let’s keep it to the basketball court where we can say over the top things.

    • therealbigjon
      1:22 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

      Your that guy that comments on satire and while you may “get the joke” people are going to think that you didn’t.

    • Piedma Schwartz
      1:41 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

      yeah, but UCLA sucks and so does every alumnus that’s ever attended

    • Big Kat
      1:59 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

      UK’s Martin School of Public Policy and Administration is ranked higher than the UCLA equivalent.

      Take that naysayer.

  2. ChrisHamby
    1:28 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

    *slow clap* brilliant.

  3. roflectomy
    1:32 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

    These CM Tomlin posts aren’t funny. They never are.

  4. HeshimuMeansWarrior
    1:54 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

  5. 8andcounting
    5:25 pm December 3, 2015 Permalink

    This is absolute gold. Peak Tomlin. Well done.