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Cali Go Boom


You are human.  I think.  You feel this on the east coast.  It’s the coast on which one feels things.  Every time movie boom times come, you are sad.  But also you are happy.  You are a very strange person who confuses many.  This weekend San Andreas bursted and made you happy/sad you weirdo.  Makes you think though, you’ve seen Cali layed low so many times.  What was peak Cali doom?  Glad you asked.

1.  2012


Goodbye Cali.  You were there until you weren’t.  Somehow with an inland fault you sunk into the ocean.  It sucks and it’s cool because people can totes surf on your tidal wave, surf on your tidal wave yo.  You really got it worst in this one though, things wrenched things eaten by the ocean.  Sorry Cali.

2. San Andreas


Are there still chips?  Does the barley wine still flow?  My gas station is better than this, you have to see how that goes.  Somehow the fault goes.  It goes ka-boom.  LA.  Done.  San Francisco. Done.  Bakersfield.  Don’t ask questions that you don’t actually care about.  Why do you feign caring about Bakersfield when you don’t?  You’re awful.

3.  Godzilla


LIZARD MAN COMES TO ROOST!  San Francisco, super progressive, still not ready for the Lizard Man.  On fire they’re not as progressive as they claim, fire yo.  Question.  Where does Lizard Man find a place in which he’s accepted?  I mean, he killed the moth thing, let them fight they said.  It’s bad for tech, but I say let the Lizard Man do his thing.

4.  Volcano


Whoa.  Fire.  Tommy Lee Jones can only Texas the flames so much.  When a ‘Cano comes to downtown L.A. even the strippers know that things be bad.  So much for Rodeo.  It’s a lava boom.  There’s lots to lava.  It’s a lava story.  I lava you.  Ohhhh burn.  These volcano puns blow.

5.  Independence Day


Party!  Party yo!  Big spaceship super cool they’re here for good yo!  Oh, wait, no no no no no no no no no no no the thing’s anus is opening.  It’s a laser anus!  Bad news on the laser poo front for the L.A.

That was the West Coast.  Did you see it boom better?  Tell us.  We love to hear.  Hearing is our thing.


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Article written by Kalan Kucera

So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?