BREAKING NEWS: NORTH POLE HACKED!

 

The North Pole (KSRTech)

Follow earlier hacks of Target, Home Depot, and Sony, today saw the largest data breach in history as the North Pole was hacked.  According to an e-mail from [email protected] the name, address, Christmas Credit Rating (Naughty/Nice), and list of presents for every person in the world has been stolen and all of humanity’s Christmas accounts have been compromised.

Within hours of the news breaking, a group called the Egalitarian Liberation Front claimed responsibility for both the hack and the leak.  A spokesman for the E.L.F. who identified himself only as “Hermey, cited “sickening working conditions in the North Pole, lack of benefits, and the general, untenable outpouring of capitalistic greed” as reasons for the hack.  A subsequent release stated that unless the nations of the world gave in to their demands, the only present anyone would get is a 2-sided LP of “Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer” and the version of “All I Want For Christmas is You” with Justin Bieber.

This release was followed closely by a release from representatives of Santa Claus led by Yukon Cornelius, J.D., saying that the North Pole was prepared to launch litigation against any media outlet publishing lists of gifts.  “The only thing giving these hackers power is the insistence of the media on publishing this information.  We plan to sue anyone who looks up their gift as well as switching them from ‘Nice’ to ‘Naughty’ if need be.  I’m looking at you Bumble.”

To go along with the outpouring of grief from American children and retailers, there were reports of riots on the streets of Santa’s Christmas Village and several candy cane stabbings in Cracker Barrels across the nation.  In response to the violence President Obama asked the nation for calm and reflection on the true meaning of Christmas.  “Besides,” the President sighed, visibly aged, “apparently Santa still wasn’t going to give me a competent legislature this year so who really cares?”