Hello, friends. Say, what’s that I hear on yonder rooftops? The clippity-clop of hooves and the nimble bootsteps of oh sorry to hear your DirecTV is out again. That really sucks this time of year. I hope you get that fixed soon.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that there are two events of note this weekend, only one of which focusing on a blessed virgin. It’s Christmas and then UL-UK Gameday! As you cuddle closely with those you love, do take time this holiday season to think of others and walk in their shoes — perhaps specifically even our sworn enemies the Louisville Cardinals and their fans. They’re just like us. And in the interest of keeping the peace this week, I’d like to prove to you exactly how like us they are by sharing with you A Very Louisville Christmas. You’ll probably find it’s strikingly similar to your own. So enjoy. And Happy Holidays, everyone.
It’s a time for loved ones to get together.
Not unlike you, our Cards brethren will gather together on this festive holiday to enjoy being with those they love, whether they be beloved spouses, parents or Kim and her wild-ass kids. Seasonal games will be played; games like “Don’t Knock Over the Tree,” “Yes I WILL Get In Your Face If I Want To Don’t Talk To Me Like That” and “Where’s Dad?” These games are perennial yuletide staples that never change, and are probably played in your own household over the holiday.
Timeless Christmas Traditions.
There’s no better way to get into the Christmas spirit than by attending a performance of the Nutcracker Suite. Louisville fans are no different, and can enjoy this impeccable arts classic as well, as is indicated by this flyer I found on the ground in a parking lot at Speedway the other night.
Like Kentucky fans, Louisville fans sing tried and true tunes from the canonical library of classic Christmas songs. Songs like:
“Deck the Hallz”
“Rudolph the Deadbeat Reindeer”
“Ding Dong Merrily We’re High”
“Carol of the Balls”
“Have a Holly Jolly Arraignment”
“All I Want for Christmas Is a Healthy Front Court”
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Montrezl Harrell”
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Chooch is Going to Get His Ass Beat”
“I Did Not Hear What You Hear So Let’s Just Play Basketball and Let the Investigators Do Their Job”
Songs like these make any holiday a little warmer, I think we can all agree, and you probably sing these exact tunes around your own hearth on Christmas Eve.
The Exchanging of Gifts.
The holidays is a time of generosity and gift-giving, and Louisville fans find this to be no different from you and your loved ones. It’s a time of appreciation and love, and no place will you find the camaraderie of kindred spirits more than at a peaceful Louisville “White Elephant” party, where everyone just brings a Red Lobster gift certificate and an 3-pack of Assorted Color Hanes Men’s Comfortblend Tank Tops and is ensured to leave with the same awesome gift with which they came. Louisville fans have Christmas presents down to a science.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning.
Just like you probably do, Louisville fans spend Christmas Eve getting plastered on Crown Royal and stealing things from a local Dicks Sporting Goods before heading to their ex’s house and driving up onto the yard, screaming at Brenda from the sidewalk and demanding her new boyfriend come out so they can get a good look at him. He’s not better than them, no matter what he thinks. Why doesn’t he just come out and let’s find out? Huh? Why doesn’t he just come down here and talk face to face? No, they don’t care if they wake up the kids. Then they try to punch a cop and run until they get tangled up in a deflated snowman yard decoration and fall down, then lay on the ground spitting as they’re cuffed from behind, tossed into the back of a squad car and processed by the police department to the cheerful sounds of “Mele Kalikimaka” as the sun rises on a cheerful Christmas morning. Just like you!
See? We’re not so different after all. And it’s the time of year to forgive and spread good cheer. So give your favorite Louisville fan a hug this season and let’s all have a great time on Saturday, shall we? God bless us, Everyone!