Oh, dear friends, the holidays are upon us. From every side we’re being bombarded with ads, with well wishers, with people asking for us to be jolly and buy their crap. It’s enough to drive a man insane. Even worse, the holidays are the time of year where we’re expected to spend the most time with family, expected to interact with them, to try and care what Aunt Gary is up to these days (she’s taken up commenting on Facebook posts!!). Since it seems as though it’s not very couth to go full hermit, there has to be a way to to plug up your ears and senses to make it through these trying times, right? Well guess what hombres and hombras, there is!
While your cousins mud wrestle back in the pen, and Aunt Gary gets guns into new and exciting territories, you’re gonna need to whittle away at your brain cells. Take a jack hammer to your grey matter and make sure you can’t remember anything that anyone says. I want this for me and I want this for you my good rafiki. So I’ve compiled the top five X-mas drinks to help you deal with all of your holiday woes!
5. Sticky Toffee Pudding Eggnog
Heavy, creamy, and full of spice, this eggnog punch contains all sorts of wonderful caramel-y goodness. These flavors mixed with the smooth and full bodied flavors of cognac and dark rum give this punch not only great flavor, but one heck of a kick! Use this drink for when your mom pulls out a photo album, any photo album.
GlÃ¼hwein, is a spiced, mulled wine that’s quite popular in Germany and central Europe. Spices like nutmeg, cinnamon, and allspice mull with citrus fruits and apple in any full-bodied red wine to create a beautiful, warm holiday treat. Add a shot of amaretto for an extra level of awesome. Use this drink for when the family game of Risk becomes contentious, like right around when your jackass brother puts one army on Papau New Guinea to mess up you getting all of Australia. Jerk.
3. Uncle Ashley‘s Peppermint Moonshine
The week is getting long, and punches and wine are no longer getting the job done. Around the time that your teenage cousins start to watch PewDiePie play Candy Crush or something on the big screen you’re going to need something with a more sustained kick. Luckily, your Uncle Ashley has brewed up a nice big batch of his holiday moonshine and you’re gonna need the whole jar à¤®à¤¿à¤¤à¥à¤°. Enjoy with a nice holiday twinkie or OCP while Uncle A regales you with stories about his new Truck Nuts.
About the time dinner on Christmas Day rolls around, someone will have inevitably brought up the 2016 election. This is bad. Once this happens you’ve hit the Point of No Return, and you’re going to need something that assaults all of your senses. This is when you take a tube, siphon some gas out of Uncle Ashley’s truck, and take yourself a swig or two. After a couple of shots of this Unleaded Jam Juice, you’re going to start to feel a burn in your stomach, you won’t be able to smell anything, and you’re going to get dizzy. This is good. It’s the only way, trust me.
1. The Blood of Kali
At some point, with the cousins, your uncle, the photos, the election, and the inevitable play by play smackdown of every life decision you’ve made in the past year by your grandfather who thinks you should’ve been a ball-player and wasted every drop of potential you had, you’re gonna need something even stronger than gasoline. I only know of one way, one solution strong enough, to tune out all of this holiday joy. You’re gonna need to slurp on down the thick, sanguine Blood of Kali and go into The Black Sleep of the Kali Ma. Once you’ve achieved the Black Sleep, you won’t remember any of the jabs or jives from any member of your family. Trust me, your New Year’s self will thank me. (Warning: If one of your family members happens to be a Thuggee, you may find yourself more open to their powers of persuasion than usual. Hopefully their from your dad’s side.)
Hope that helps you to survive, and I hope that all of you, my friends, have a wonderful Christmas!!! Make sure to watch this space all week for all of our A Very Funkhouser Christmas. Gotta collect them all!
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