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I’ve Got the Power

With the arrival of a new Presidential administration comes many new faces to powerful positions to run these great United States.  For some reason there still is not a Czar of Television and Movies in the cabinet despite the obvious need for one.  Since we live in a post-fact, alternate fact, and what the fact? society, I have decided to create the position and fill it myself.  As your new official Czar of Television and Movies I want you, my fellow Americans, to know exactly what I’m going to do with my phenomenal cosmic power.  Here is my plan for the next four years as your Pop Culture Potentate:

  • Item One: Award Shows
    • I am officially disbanding the awarding committees for all major award shows and replacing them with the puppies from Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl. I am removing all biases from humans and placing the fate of the awards in the paws of America’s greatest treasures.
    • In lieu of the aforementioned change I am personally providing an alternate fact reissuing of all previous awards for Emmys, Golden Globes, and Academy Awards. To prove this monumental task is in good hands, I will let you know that the 1999 Academy Award for Best Picture has indeed been awarded to Saving Private Ryan instead of Shakespeare in Love. shakespeare-in-love-saving-private-ryan-slice
  • Item Two: Remakes, Reboots, and Redundancies
    • I am hitherto placing a more rigorous procedure on remakes and reboots. In an effort to spur the creative mind of Hollywood there is now a 25 year moratorium on remaking a show or movie in any format.  Reboots are subjected to a lesser 10 year moratorium.  After the assigned time a property can be discussed for a  remake or reboot only if the original property has less than a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, would be significantly helped by technological advances, and (in the case of reboots) the original story can be tied to the new content.
    • In an effort to reduce redundancies I am requiring all movies and tv shows to submit full synopses to the Plotline Unilateral Board for Ensuring Success committee. This will be a bipartisan committee that analyzes scripts and determines if movies have nearly identical plotlines and are scheduled for release within a few months of each other (Deep Impact Armageddon, No Strings Attached vs. Friends with Benefits, etc).  If a redundancy is identified then each production team must submit one person to compete in a thunderdome to determine which movie will be released.
  • Item Three: Wage Inequality
    • I am hereby issuing a decree that the Key Grip, Boom Operator, and Gaffer are to be paid commensurate with the highest paid actors and actresses. If they have to work with the funny names then they deserve better compensation.
  • Item Four: Commercials
    • Since advertising revenue is a big part of the movie and tv viewing experience it is impossible to completely eliminate it. In an effort to streamline the experience of being bombarded by unwanted solicitations I am establishing an online virtual portal which allows people to volunteer for a four-hour commercial-viewing class.  If you complete the four hour course, which is nothing but watching commercials for four hours, you will receive a code which can be provided to your cable, internet, or theater which allows you to bypass all commercials.  The class certifies you to be ad free for a duration of six months at which point you may take the class again to recertify. rob lowe
  • Item Five: Applauding in Movie Theaters
    • There is to be absolutely no applauding in movie theaters. Exceptions are allowed if viewing a movie wherein someone who participated in the creation of said movie is in the audience.  In all other instances, DO NOT APPLAUD AT THE END OF THE MOVIE!  THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU!  If you feel compelled to express your gratitude then email them or post to a message board or write a letter.  To enforce this I am creating an army of undercover theater goers and if someone is caught violating this ordinance they will be subjected to a ten hour loop of awful things based on their level of violation.  Here are the tiers of punishment:
      • First Offense: Jim Carrey’s most annoying sound in the world from Dumb and Dumber
      • Second Offense: Nails on chalkboard.
      • Third Offense: A fork scraping a plate.
      • Fourth Offense: Rebecca Black’s “Friday”
      • Fifth Offense: The KSR App notification laugh.

I assure you my fellow Americans that this is only the beginning of my efforts to make tv and movies great again.  I look forward to getting your feedback and either disregarding it or reimagining it to fit into whatever narrative I decide.

 

 

Article written by Josh Juckett