Forecastle was delightful. People were lovely and polite. At any moment there was an act to watch, listen to and enjoy. But, even in this festival utopia, there is a hierarchy. There are things that are slightly more awesome and some things that you can do without. Here, presented in as a shameless copy homage to the Grantland Power Rankings, are the 2015 Forecastle Power Rankings.
1. Cathedral’s Lead Singer, Brodie Jenkins
There is no alpha male at Forecastle. There is just Brodie Jenkins. She is intense. If she were a Disney princess, she would be Esmeralda. Both Esmeralda and Jenkins combine seductive (not trashy) dance moves with an emphasis on flowy hand gestures. I worked extremely hard to get a good picture. I just couldn’t. I feared she would sense my weakness and challenge me to a sexy dance off. I’d lose. Royally.
Here’s some homework for you, listen to Cathedral’s song “Harlem.” Your goal is to dance to the song like a sexy, wacky, waving inflatable tube man. Brodie Jenkins can do it. Can you?
Didn’t think so. That’s why she’s number one.
2. Big K.R.I.T.
After watching wispy women croon for hours, watching Big K.R.I.T was like having a good steak after years of clean, vegan eating. Big K.R.I.T claims he, “Grew up on the country side of town/Now I’m ballin’ under the city lights.” His words speak to me. I have country roots AND I tend to ball under city lights. Big K.R.I.T. also raps about “rotating my tires.” I too have had my tires rotated before! Granted, when Mr. K.R.I.T. writes about his rotating tires, he is referring to riding in his car that is “candy coated pearl with the bowling ball swirl.” I’m sure we lead similar lives.
What sets Big K.R.I.T. apart from all the others is his security guard. The security guard does the typical survey of the surroundings and stand while looking uninterested in the flashing lights. What is most impressive is that security guard also took special care that the water bottle labels were all facing out.
I guess we don’t lead similar lives.
3. Sturgill Simpson
Men everywhere should be thanking Sturgill Simpson. When he wrote “The Promise,” he gave every man a “get-out-of-trouble-free-card.”
Guys just keep this song in your back pocket and sing it whenever you’ve done too much (or not enough.)
4. My Morning Jacket
There were a lot of moments spent standing and sweating at Forecastle. There were also a lot of perfect moments. My Morning Jacket might have had the most memorable. During “Wordless Chorus,” the sun had finally gone down. Everyone gathered at the same stage. As My Morning Jacket got to the part of the chorus that was wordless, glow sticks flew through the air. A perfect moment.
I just feel bad for the couple next to me who fought through it all.
Watching VH1’s Behind The Music: Woodstock ’99 will give you anxiety if you ever go to a large music venue. I watched footage of water shortages, fights and overall grime.
Forecastle wasn’t Woodstock ’99. I never waited an unreasonable amount of time in line, there were refillable water stations and I didn’t have to fight anyone to get to the porta-potties. I’m calling that a win.
Festivals are a renaissance for all of the fashion that you thought died. Gauchos are viable clothing options. Fanny packs are a source of pride. Speedos are perfectly respectable in a Non-European climate. Festival wear is also and opportunity to wear a leotard sans pants. As long as your bits are partially covered, the only thing you’ve got to lose is your dignity.
7.Teenage Girl Greetings
Step One: Spot your friend from far away
Step Two: Yell her name. (Make sure that everyone near hears and fear that she is drowning in a pool)
Step Three: Run the entire distance.
Step Four: Meet your friend in the middle; pick her up Dirty Dancing style. You need everyone around you to know you are having the time of your life.
Repeat thirty minutes later when you see her again.
Beach balls are the worst. Would anyone notice if they went to a concert and there were no beach balls? Has anyone ever said, “You know what this concert needs is more beach balls!?”
No. I would support letting people carry knives into the concert, just for the sole purpose of stabbing the beach balls. They are pointless. (Unless you are a plastic surgeon handing out cards to people who get reamed in the face and need a nose job.)
I won’t be able to attend Forecastle today, so all of today’s acts won’t make the rankings. It is safe to assume that the mouse will be modest and the panic will be widespread.
Also not ranked:
Newborn babies at festivals; The Ohio River; People clapping off beat; Vapeists; Artisanal popsicles; Chris Stapleton’s beard; Overpasses that work as shade trees; Men’s refusal to button shirts; The sheer amount of PBR; Requests for “Free bird”; Commonwealth flags on sticks; Joe’s Crab Shack freeloaders; The amount of things Sturgill Simpson has to do before he dies: Dirty hippies; Clean-ish hippies; An overall good time.