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2014 Kitten Bowl – PowPurr Rankings

Kitten Bowl

Did you groan as much reading the headline as I did writing it?  I purr do hope so (ugh).  In an effort to give all furry friends an opportunity to “play football” on Super Bowl Sunday, the Hallmark Channel is throwing its proverbial ball-of-yarn into the arena with the 2014 Kitten Bowl.

I am not a cat person, I enjoy the Puppy Bowl, and even then it’s a little much for me.  However, I always do enjoy taking a look at the roster of teams for these sort of events to see who the participants are.  So below, I have put together the 2014 Kitten Bowl Powpurr Rankings for this year’s event, based solely on how bad the puns are (read: how much the cats hate their owners by being named such things) that were used in the player cards for each cat.  The cats player cards have such information as Name, Position, Demeanor, and Things the Cat Enjoys.  Full disclosure: In putting together this list, Microsoft Word asked me “You wrote, ‘A Street Cat Named Desire’.  Did you mean Streetcar?”  No. Microsoft Word. No, I did not.

First, I have put together some names you will not see on the list today in a segment I like to call: “Missed Op-purr-tunities”: Mumfurr and Sons, Cat Middleton, Vampurr Weekend, Jennifer Clawrence, Katy Purry, Macclawmore, Florida Georgia Feline, Don Drapurr, Waltfur White, Pawl Goodman, Tim Meowch, Dermontti Pawson, Tim Mastspay, and last but certainly not least, a marketing fail by the Hallmark Channel by not naming one of the cats, “Meredith Baxter Purrney.”

So here we go, All the cat puns you could ask for…
(Reminder the list will go as follows: Name | Position | Demeanor | Enjoys)

44. Bear | Center | Naggy | Likes Walks on the Beach
43. Mr. Whiskers | Spring Guard | Restless | Fish Tacos
42. Catnip | Yarn Ripper | Lazy | Purring
41. Muffin | Lickbacker | Unflappable | Romantic Comedies
40. Shadow | Facekicker | Cuddly | An occasional seafood martini
39. Cowhide | Mouse Trapper | Dazed | Shedding on Furniture
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38. Pickles | Twine End | Insecure | Redistributing Sand
37. Mittens | Cornercat | Shy | “CATS: The Musical”
36. Butters | Tied End | Goofy | “Year of the Cat”
35. Peanut | Attackback | Sweet | Lord of the Strings Trilogy
34.  Checkers | String Tackle | Intimidating | Sharpening Claws
33. Midnight | Flip Back | Earnest | “3 Blind Mice”
32.Socks | Defensive Cat | Adventurous | Cat King Cole
31. Rudy | Curl End | Chatty | The novel: “Cats in the Rye”
30. Milo | Nose Toucher | Unimpressed | “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kitten”
29. Patches | Kickback | Playful | Author Kitty Kelly
28. Crazy Legs | Furry Safety | Deceptive | Listening to The Stray Cats
27. Mocha | Tailcat, Curious | Thinking outside the Catbox
26. Snowball | Defensive Tickle | Brave | Enjoys the novel “Cats-22”
25. Smokey | Cuddleback | Distinguished | “My Fair Kitty”
24. Maverick | Biterback | Grabby | To Kill ALL  Mockingbirds
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23. Oscar | Laybacker | Perturbed | Shopping at Tarcat
22. Marbles | Leap Tackle | Alert | Enjoys Catsablanca
21. Bandit | Fur Ruffler | Tense | Enjoys “A Street Cat Named Desire”
20. Chase | Lint Receiver | Jumpy | His Catallac
19. Lucky | Smackback | Haughty | Actor Harrison Furd
18. Terry Bradclaw | Whiskerback | Aloof | Beluga Caviar
17. Hairy Rice | Snapper | Attentive | Ear Massage
16. Brett Furve | Purrback | Uncertain | Enjoys Rainbows, Lollypops, Roachesmeowshawn-lynch-bengals-final
15. Meowshawn Lynch | Fullcat | Tough | Enjoys Cheese and Biscuits
14.Tim Teepaw | Wing Cat | Bemused | Enjoys the song “Cat’s in the Cradle”
13. Ferrell Owens | Star Receiver | Jittery | Likes Cat Stevens
12. Dan Furrino | Left Paw | Bewildered | Smacking String without Mercy
11. Catvin Johnson | Receiver | Dependable | Catalina Island
10. Tomcat Brady | Quartercat | Surly | Pouncing
9. Feline Manning | Furback | Skittish | Striking at night
8. Catony Fasano | Leapbacker | Determined | Crawling in empty bags
7. Tabby Romo | Paw Tripper | Cautious | “The Wizard of Paws”
6. Dandy Dalton | Pounceback | Thoughtful | Likes Mice Pudding
5. Manti Meow | Halfcat | (Demeanor was left blank) | Enjoys Kit Kats
4. Calico Purress | Clawbacker | Wary | Pursuing Imaginary Bugs|
3. Troy Paw-Lamalau | Running Cat | Cool | Las Vecats, NV
2. Jay Catler | Stalk End | Sly | Film: “August: Osage Kitty”crawlin-cat-felines
1. Crawlin’ Cat-PurrNip | Long Napper | Overtired | Yarn

Well… there you have it, the 2014 Kitten Bowl Powpurr Rankings.  If this is your sort of thing, be sure to check it out at Noon on Super Bowl Sunday on the Hallmark Channel.  If it isn’t, then con-cat-ulations!

@rbramblet

Article written by Richmond Bramblet