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Yes, Virginia, There Is a Louisville

Dear Readers,
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of Kentucky Sports Radio:

Dear Editor-

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that Louisville doesn’t exist. Papa says “If you see it on KSR, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Louisville?

Virginia O’Connell, Paducah


Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the trying times of a competitive age. They refuse to believe what they cannot acknowledge. They do not believe what they see outside of the Yum! Center and Papa John’s Stadium. Their little minds traverse in the abstract, believing that the simple refusal to believe something exists ceases it to exist. This great universe of ours swirls about upon a simple faith in the delicate balance between the human imagination and absolute truth — and it’s important to grasp that one cannot not exist without the other.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Louisville. It exists as certainly as twerking and tweaking and manscaping and Hennesy exist, and you know that these things collaborate to create an indomitable force of reality. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Louisville! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no Two-for-One Limp Bizkit Throwback Rock Block Couch Dances, with no free t-shirts or soft-sided coolers available if you get such a spirited dance in the next five minutes. There should be no one to buy Horny Goat Weed in a capsulized form at a Marathon station from a disaffected man behind a plexiglass window, nor a measured exchange of currency for the detailing of one’s own motorcoach with a committed “$$ CARDNAL FAN 4 LIFE $$” in the exquisite Olde English font of eras long gone. Indeed, the very basis of the tribal tattoo industry would be rocked to its very core.

Not believe in Louisville! Why, you might as well believe that The Boondock Saints is not the most boss movie ever made. You may as well begin to liberally apply sunscreen to your forehead upon the exiting of your very own home each morning as if wide brim hats had never been conceived or invented! What a world that would be! I’m quite certain none of us would want to live in a world where our weed were not concealed within the soft purple velour of a Crown Royal pouch hanging from the rear view window, nor would we ever wish to exist in a universe with cumbersome sleeves or pants not designed of a flowing, luxurious mesh. After all, have you ever seen Big Sean showing out, or Juicy J hitting it from da back? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not showing out nor hitting it from da back. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseeable in the world.

Indeed, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing more real than Louisville! After all, isn’t Louisville present when a tricked-out Honda Civic runs over a parking meter? Isn’t Louisville there when a man tells a woman who is not his bae that her booty fine? Isn’t Louisville there wherever a man pulls his shirt off at a fireworks display? Isn’t Louisville there wherever a platter of Jaegerbombs arrives at the table? Or an an offbrand MMA event sells out? Or a fedora is worn? You would not want to live in a world without Louisville!

No Louisville! Thank God it lives and lives forever! A thousand years from now, Virginia — nay, ten times ten thousand years from now — it will continue to bring us joy, for we cannot live without it, and it will forever continue to grunt loudly at our gyms, smoke in the public restrooms of our sporting venues and take the mufflers off its cars.

Yes, yes, Virginia. There is a Louisville.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

All I want is a HI-C and a turkey sandwich. @CM_Tomlin

1 Comment for Yes, Virginia, There Is a Louisville

  1. Rixter
    2:27 pm December 24, 2014 Permalink

    If not for Louisville, where would a man go to a college sporting event and get shit-faced?
    If not for Louisville, how would malt liquor salesmen buy Christmas gifts for their children?
    If not for Louisville, WHAT college basketball would dress up in a see-thru white suit each year for our amusement?
    Who would UK play Big Brother to? WKU? no, that would never work. Long live Louisville and the dirty birds!