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University of Kentucky Basketball, Football, and Recruiting news brought to you in the most ridiculous manner possible.

Who’s Next?

Hello, friends. I hope you’re having a great day. And I know you are, because it’s hard not to have a great day when your beloved Wildcats are the 2012 NCAA National Champions. It’s a beautiful thing, no? That feeling that the world is our oyster for the next year. That we are the best in the country. That our guys are better than anyone else’s guys. What else can be said that hasn’t been said? It’s just great. I think you’d agree.

And when a team, like this illustrious Wildcat team, is on the top of the proverbial heap like we are, the question then becomes: how good was this team, anyway? By my count, it was only an hour and a half after the final buzzer sounded that people were already asking “Is this team better than the 1996 team?” Of course, it’s a bit absurd to so immediately be evaluating these teams against all others, but it such questions do raise interesting hypotheticals. And while the Cats are on this roll already, let’s entertain those hypotheticals in a piece we’ll call “How Do They Stack Up?” Shall we? We shall. Happy Wednesday, and congrats to the mighty Wildcats.


Vs. The 2004 Angola National Olympic Team
The matchup: Though they may have dominated in the African Championships, Coach Mario Palma’s twelfth-of-twelve teams in the 2004 Olympics can’t hold a candle to some of America’s former young top recruits in the 2012 Champion Wildcats. Though three-point threat Antonio Carvalho can shoot from anywhere, Calipari’s defensive schemes render him useless; and small forward Edmar Victoriano may be a solid rebounder but continually has the ball stripped by our tenacity beneath the basket. Davis has 4 blocks and 12 points, Doron Lamb is hot with 25 points and Miller’s additional 19 points help bolster the win. In the end, Angola’s good, but just not good enough.
The Score: 73-59
The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats


Vs. The “Fab Five”
The matchup: In a showdown between two teams debated over and oft-remarked to be similar in magnitude, the Kentucky Wildcats take on the 1991 Michigan Wolverines on the neutral court of Detroit’s Joe Louis Arena. An early twelve-point lead by the Wolverines slowly gets chipped away in the minutes leading up to halftime, and the second half sees Michael Kidd-Gilchrist with an explosive eight-point run, a four-point lead for the Cats and foul trouble for Jalen Rose and Jimmy King. Juwan Howard gets a hot hand as the clock ticks down, however, ending up with 22 points and bringing the Wolverines within one in the game’s final seonds. They can’t hang on, leaving the Cats with a well-earned though nerve-wracking victory.
The Score: 66-65
The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats


Vs. The “Fab Four”
The matchup: Though it’s tough to hear with 14,000 screaming teenagers at historic Wimbledon stadium, the Wildcats exhibit a fiery confidence as they face a team where the tallest player is Paul McCartney at a mere 5’11”. John Lennon walks off the court in the middle of the first half and Ringo Starr can do nothing with Terrence Jones, who continually posterizes the hapless drummer. George Harrison, who has never played basketball before but picks up the game as it goes along, makes a valiant effort but ultimately comes away with 6 points. At the final buzzer, the band looks confused as to what just happened or what “three goggles” are.
The Score: 106-37
The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats


Vs. The World’s Tallest Men
The matchup: After countless media pundits and sports fans clamor to see it happen, the Wildcats travel to an indoor arena in Tunisia to take on a collective team of the tallest living men on the planet, including 8’3″ Turk Sultan Kosen, 8’1″ Moroccan Brahim Takioullah and 7’11 Zhang Juncai from China. The game is only truly competitive for about twenty seconds, as it doesn’t take long for everyone in attendance to realize that just because someone is extremely tall doesn’t mean that person is good at or even knows how to play basketball.
The Score: 173-4
The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats


Vs. The Ghostly Sea Captain at the Old Carnival
The matchup: When strange occurrences and the apparition of a sea captain’s ghost at the abandoned carnival start to spook night watchmen, the Wildcats are called in to investigate. With the help of Don Knotts and Sandy Duncan, Marquis Teague finds some glow-in-the-dark paint and a tape recorder of creepy noises hidden behind a stairwell while Kyle Wiltjer and Doron Lamb head off to make a gigantic sandwich in the carnival’s old kitchen. After a chase sequence where everyone runs in and out of doors across the same hallway, Darius Miller drops a net on the sea captain and we find out it’s just Old Man Jenkins, who wanted to scare everyone off the land so he could buy it for himself. Doron Lamb gets spooked by a sudden noise and leaps into Kyle Wiltjer’s arms, and everyone laughs.
The Score: Wildcats 1, Old Man Jenkins zero.
The Winner: The Kentucky Wildcats The “Best Friends Mystery Club”


Vs. Mothra
The matchup: Though he tries his best, not even Naismith Player of the Year Anthony Davis’ swats are strong enough to take down the rampaging Mothra, whose lepidopteran spray immobilizes the team and renders them largely unable to defend themselves and the city as she tears through buildings and sends citizens running. During the post-game interviews, John Calipari shrugs humbly, telling Tracy Wolfson that “we just got outplayed today. Also, it was extremely difficult for us to dodge the lightning bolts and arcs of fire emitting from its wings. We’ll just need to learn from these mistakes.”
The Score: N/A
The Winner: Mothra

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

37 Comments for Who’s Next?

  1. Mr. Obvious
    12:15 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    wow…that’s 2 minutes of my life I’ll never get back

  2. lexslamman
    12:18 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Posts like this take me back to the days when the site featured good writing.

  3. 2012 national champs!!!
    12:18 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink


  4. gawdi
    12:18 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    I’m sure Cal would recruit Godzilla, so Mothra wouldn’t stand a chance

  5. Kaboom
    12:20 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Did Davis in fact tie the single season blocks record? not just the freshman one..

  6. 2012 national champs!!!
    12:21 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    So when do the cats have to decide whether to go or stay?

  7. Kaboom
    12:21 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    He blocked as many shots as any player in a season ever!?

  8. Kaboom
    12:22 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    6. expect next week but till april 25th

  9. Al's IndiCats
    12:28 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    I can understand why the score wasn’t available when we played Mothra, I hate it when those lightning bolts and fire all over the place….Good Analogy.

  10. lol
    12:37 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Cal to the Knicks and Shabazz to UCLA is not how I wanted to start my day

  11. Unkle Buck
    12:38 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Retarded post. Bring back the Intern. Too soon?

  12. floydfan
    12:44 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Poor Ringo

  13. BBN
    12:47 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    So..that was pretty pointless

  14. UKIreland
    12:48 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    What about Gardner Webb?

  15. That WAS awesome!!
    12:49 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Man I was sitting at a Mexican restaurant with my family enjoying some chips and salsa.. And then I read that Mothra part!!! Hahahahahaa.. Chips and salsa spit everywhere! That was awesome thanks for the laugh ! Been a long time since I actually spit food all over my family laughing.

  16. KSR is turning into the Tubby Smith of websites.
    12:50 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    I guess all posts not by Matt, Drew, or Thomas should be skipped because everyone else is horrible.

  17. Simple
    12:56 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    10–Agreed. Sucks.

  18. Claw
    1:01 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    If we had Liggins on the team, we would have beaten Mothra. Don’t ask.

  19. lexslamman
    1:06 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink


  20. Yroc53
    1:08 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    16.) TT should be added to your list, she does a great job

  21. tfordstyle
    1:10 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink


  22. SimpleMinds
    1:27 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Hilarious. Good stuff. Again, those with no sense of humor or those with really sad lives won’t find it funny. Ignore them. Hopefully their children will learn to laugh.

  23. David Elswick
    1:44 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Great post! Well said SimpleMinds, some just lack a sense of humor.

  24. Jay Bilas' Swagger
    2:00 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    On KSR the news is brought to you “in the most ridiculous manner possible”. Always has, always will be. If you dont like it, read your news somewhere else. I for one thought the Scooby-Doo reference was hilarious. Great Post!

  25. Gobigblue
    2:11 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Awesome post. I always look forward to Tomlin’s posts. People need to get a sense of humor and relax a bit

  26. J-Huh
    2:14 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Awesome post. Agree that the trolls should go elsewhere to read the same article written in 50 different ways about how the Cats are awesome.

    Series of “Best Friends Mystery Club” children’s books? Yes please.

  27. Peoplewhowork
    2:20 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    You failed to mention that with his team up by one and having posession of the ball, Chris Weber dribbled to the corner and called a time out his team did not have. A technical foul was called. Doron Lamb sank both free throws, UK wins by 1.

  28. Bill Swerski
    2:38 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Yeah but how would they stand up to HURRICANE DITKA???????

  29. Johnnyhopkins
    2:41 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    28) Ditka would win in a close fight.

  30. Dave
    2:57 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    That was,um, not funny at all.

  31. Bryce Stephens
    3:31 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    50% of why I love this site is because of humorous posts like this (the other half coming from the fact I get stats I can use for my high school paper’s articles). Excellent post, and the Ghost captain part was great

  32. theWilkman
    3:39 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Good stuff. Some people clearly don’t have a sense of humor. Examples: #1, #16, and the popularity of “Two and a Half Men”

  33. mike d
    3:45 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    If Kentucky played the ’91 fab five they would win by 30. Those guys were all seniors in high school in ’91.

  34. GapToothDanny
    4:51 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Now, for all of you who were arguing about how this year’s team would do against the 96 team, or is this team better than (fill in the year): this little piece of whimsy proves that you might as well be arguing about who would win if they played Mothra.

  35. uk03
    9:26 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    Why is Tomlin still on here? Terrible

  36. blueswade
    10:34 pm April 4, 2012 Permalink

    AD needs to bring back the rec specs again.
    He can’t be sittin’ the bench trying to put his contacts back in.
    He needs to be on the floor!

  37. Arms of Delk Legs of McCarty
    1:10 pm April 5, 2012 Permalink

    Loved it. Can’t fathom how anyone could dislike Tomlin. The most creative writer on here.