Hello, friends. Feels like I haven’t seen you in, what, a week? Forgive me, I’ve been busy trying to track down legendary Scottish folk hero Rob Roy at my area hotels but only keep coming up with Alan Cutler.
Friends, can you feel that nip in the air? The oppressive summer is beginning to, ever so slightly, give way into a crisp and glorious fall of college football. And with it, as we all know, comes the excitement of tailgating before a game — reveling with friends and family before two teams take the field. Of course, it’s very very important that one take tailgating extremely seriously; after all, how you tailgate is as important as your fandom itself, and it can be in many instances the guideposts by which others come to conclusions about you. So, as you can see, a lot of thought needs to go into it. That’s why, as a service to you the reader, we’re pleased to present today a piece entitled What Your Tailgate Says About You. Memorize it, know it, use it and feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments below. And as always, gang, have a smashing weekend. See you next week.
Streamers and decorations: I wanted my tailgate to match my sports-themed sweater or cardigan.
Working television streaming pre-game cable coverage: I spent nearly $600 on this tailgate and 0$ on actual season tickets.
A bunch of people in suits and sunglasses: My friends and I are going to pretend we couldn’t change before coming from Keeneland, but we could have. We just wanted everyone to see us dressed like this.
A whole roasted pig: A pig had to die because I came up with a cool idea.
An empty cooler filled with dirty water: There are a lot of random people I don’t know getting beers out of this cooler.
Vegetable tray: I am perfectly okay with throwing away 75% of a vegetable tray.
Blaring classic rock music and lawn chairs: The only difference between this tailgate and my normal Saturday night is that I am at a football stadium.
Giant flag on a long pole: I don’t trust my drunk, idiot friends to be able to find this place and I don’t want to deal with them calling every five minutes.
Camper/RV (over 50 years old): My spouse and I, in addition to tailgating, also enjoy travel.
Camper/RV (under 30 years old): There is at least one person violently vomiting or passed out inside my elderly parents’ camper/RV at this very second.
Shots: I will be a lot of fun at kickoff and a complete embarrassment to my friends by the middle of the second quarter.
Bourbon: Although I have a ticket, there is only a 45% chance I will actually attend the game.
Margaritas: Someone gave me a margarita machine as a gift and I guess this is as good a place as any to break that out.
Expensive wine: I have never been to a tailgate party before.
Fortified wine: I was not invited to this tailgate party.
Wine coolers: Four of these six wine coolers will go to waste because I’ll be too giddily drunk to enjoy them.
A holiday theme: My wife or girlfriend, who doesn’t care about football, took over the planning of this tailgate.
Catering: I am competing with my friends’ tailgates.
Tent: This tent was perfectly packed to get here and will be jammed into the trunk of my car on the way home.
Store-bought cookies: This is not my tailgate, but I was asked to bring something and this required the absolute least amount of effort.
A “customized tailgating vehicle”: For seven Saturdays a year, I’m awesome. For the other forty-five, I am a neighborhood eyesore.
Chalk outline: Once again, another successful Louisville tailgate party.
What say you guys about tailgating necessities and impressions? Feel free to add your own suggestions/additions in the comments below. And as always, gang, have a smashing weekend. See you next week.