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Welcome Alpha Males!

alpha-male-denny-bingaman

Congratulations on your new status as an alpha male! If you have received this pamphlet, it means you’ve been pinpointed as either an excellent leader or the type of person who must dominate any situation. Either way, a compliment! The following brief introduction should serve as an adequate outline to help you settle into your alpha status over the next several months. Feel free to disregard this at any time because you have better ideas. You wouldn’t be an alpha male if you didn’t!

As an alpha male, you will find yourself in certain societal instances whereupon the world needs you to take charge. What are you waiting for? Grab the bull by the horns, the tiger by its tail, and start calling the shots. After all, your ideas are what matter. They’re way better than that beta male’s, and infinitely superior to those epsilon or theta males in your circle of friends. And no one’s ever going to register what that omicron or phi male is saying, or even that he’s talking. Look at that fool. Who cares what he has to say? (Answer: no one.)

You may be wondering, as you read this next to another alpha male reading this same pamphlet, which of you ranks higher. Don’t worry about that, unless the person next to you is an alpha beast, in which case you might want to slowly step away at this point. Alpha beasts have an upper hand on alpha males in nearly every circumstance and should be respected as having such.

You may also be wondering how to wield your newfound title and skills to their greatest extents. This is normal, and it’s why we today offer a few tips on how to take full advantage of your alpha males status. Please take note and use these examples as general guidelines  on which to base your own future decisions.

 

Normal People: Wait for others to finish talking

Alpha Males: Talk whenever they want.

 

Normal People: Don’t yell at others.

Alpha Males: Yell at others whenever they feel like it.

 

Normal People: Whine and cry when they get “hurt.”

Alpha Males: Turn pain into an almost cult-like ritual of negative power consumption and photosynthesize it into a determined streak of unstoppability precisely honed for success.

 

The problem with these “Normals” is that they just don’t have what you have: They’re not going to step in for anyone when he or she is “sick” (sickness: another problem you won’t have to worry about), they’re not going to lead anyone to greatness. Leave them to their knitting and their home flipping television programs, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.

 

Think of it as this series of equations:

ALPHA MALES > NORMALS

ALPHA BEASTS > ALPHA MALES

ALPHA MONSTERS > ALPHA BEASTS

NORMALS > FLOWERS, ANTS, BABIES (ex. alpha male babies)

 

Also, the easy to remember acronym HAM SALAD will serve as a constant reminder of your mission:

Hail Alpha Males for Seeking Admiration, Love and Dedication.

 

Should you suspect another alpha male is in your presence and wish to secretly communicate that you as well are in this clandestine fraternity of awesomeness, simply ask him the phrase:

“What are you doing today?”

to which the only response should be:

“Whatever I damn well please.”

You and your new friend will now be ready to attack each other in a neverending contest of one-upsmanship and dominance.

 

There are several perks to your new alpha male status, including being the first out of the building during a fire alarm or actual fire emergency, an automatic respect of all ideas and actions you share with others, and the ability to talk to eagles, which are the you of birds. It’s always important to use your alpha male status wisely and carefully, however, to avoid changing the world too much. Many Normals just aren’t ready for that kind of action.

Sound good? Are you ready to get out there and start imposing your will on the world? Good! Now tear this pamphlet up, throw it on the ground, and go get ‘em! Because that’s what alpha males do, and we’re all ready for you to start getting all up in our grills. Good luck and just let us all know if you need anything; happy to help. Thank you in advance for any accolades or championships you may accrue by being awesome. It’s much appreciated.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin

44 Comments for Welcome Alpha Males!



  1. Smart Alpha Male
    1:04 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    I have 2 ears and one mouth. I observe, listen, and then go alpha.



  2. JHD
    1:05 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    This is the best thing I’ve read all day. I am now prepared to dominate Friday afternoon.



  3. Ham Salad
    1:07 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Finally getting the respect I deserve



  4. It's been a great week for Obama
    1:07 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Ha ha ha ha



  5. BigBadJohn
    1:09 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Good work Tomlin!



  6. yo
    1:09 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    gold Tomlin, gold



  7. Smart Alpha Male
    1:12 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Shouldn’t been 1st, mistake.



  8. SyFy
    1:12 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Just don’t make a show about them and call it something dumb like “Alphas”. That $#!% will get cancelled!



  9. Waddy Werewolf
    1:17 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Those look like relatives!



  10. Predictable Male
    1:19 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    I should been first.



  11. ThatsAShame
    1:23 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Tomlin – Well done. Ham Salad = Great stuff.



  12. Troy
    1:26 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    WTF ?



  13. Dale Carnegie
    1:27 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    This goes against some unknown book I wrote.



  14. Teachable Mo'
    1:32 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    What testosterone produces, other than hair, is irrational, unfounded confidence. In the dimness of Time, testosterone provided an advantage when it was better to move than to sit still. Today when we’ve got more ways to suss out an situation, it makes you act like [insert famous gruff voiced politician]. If you’re impressed by confidence, you’re impressed by alpha males.

    Most alpha males are clowns.



  15. Alfa Male
    1:35 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    14, smell my finger.



  16. Ukcrazed
    1:36 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Funniest article I’ve read in a long time. Randle tweeted about Cal calling him alpha beast. Bet he loved this article!



  17. This is Me
    1:40 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Good stuff Tomlin….when listening to a “normal” person’s opinion…I am just thinking, “are you serious, is that really what you believe?”, and I cannot wait to tell them how it really is!



  18. Mc
    1:46 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    What would Chuck Norris be considered?



  19. Alpha Male #19
    1:49 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    14 – Shutup, punk!



  20. hutcherson
    1:51 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    #14 definitely not an alpha male. May be dealing with alpha male envy. Good new is :There is a pamphlet for alpha male envy!



  21. Adam
    1:51 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Chuck Norris has his own category.
    Chuck Norris > Alpha Beast… Sorry Julius, thats just how it is



  22. George Costanza
    1:51 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    “There are several perks to your new alpha male status, including being the first out of the building during a fire alarm or actual fire emergency”

    I trampled a bunch of kids, old people, and a clown to be first out of a building when a fire broke out. Does that make me an Alpha Male?



  23. Alfa Male
    1:55 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    I am why your girlfriend cheats.



  24. Alpha Male #23
    1:57 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    22 – Welcome, Brother!



  25. Another smart alpha male
    1:58 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    DAMN IT TOMLIN, THOSE ARE INEQUALITIES, NOT EQUATIONS!!!!
    YEAH I’M YELLING AT YOU!! STOP SPREADING IGNORANCE MY MAN!
    Otherwise, nice article.



  26. Alfa Male
    2:02 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    I have a secret weapon. A big d…



  27. BlueRedNeck
    2:05 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    26 apparently has the squirts…



  28. Women Everywhere
    2:12 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    22/ Yes. You will go on to breed, while those ‘losers’ won’t. IF you can get the Alpha Female



  29. Alfa Male
    2:30 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    dont have a clue what #22 is talking about running out of buildings on fire. 9/11 videos shows hundreds of alpha males doing JUST the opposite.



  30. Steady
    2:31 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    14 is wearing a pink shirt and flip flops.



  31. BlueRedNeck
    2:37 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    29, don’t get your panties in a wad – you need to go back and look thru the old Seinfeld episodes…



  32. War
    2:38 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    I probably wouldn’t exist if there were no alpha males…



  33. Alfa Male
    2:48 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    32, do you speak german or japanese? Your welcome.



  34. Teachable Mo'
    2:54 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    One of the alpha males of my childhood. (Scroll down to the middle of the page.)

    http://www.nytimes.com/1998/09/05/books/think-tank-odes-to-the-sporting-life-and-death-fans-and-players-notes.html



  35. War
    3:23 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    If it wasn’t for the German or Japanese speaking alpha males, there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place…



  36. HowMany?
    4:02 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    All this talk of alpha males, plural, is silly. There can only be one alpha in a pack. Combining the alphas of different packs into one pack would only result in all but one being reduced in status or killed. Alphas who lose their alpha status do not make good pack members, and usually live on the fringe. Probably not the system Cal is going for. Just saying.



  37. Teachable Mo'
    4:17 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    @36 and displaced alphas

    Rogue Male by Geoffrey Household. Probably the best pulp novel ever. A hunter hunts a dictator in 1939 Europe. (Good 70s made-for-TV-movie with Peter O’Toole as the hunter.)



  38. Toothless Temp
    4:20 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE FOR THINKING OTHERWISE!



  39. Travis
    6:33 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Pure awesomeness.



  40. CATandMONKEY
    7:51 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Out of the park.



  41. Wildcatsteeler
    8:31 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    Trust me, practically every loser redneck thinks they are an alpha male. Being obnoxious, loud, thinking you know everything, being a pushy asshole doesn’t make you an alpha male. It just makes you a prick.



  42. DingDingDing...
    10:33 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    We have a winner!! #41 nailed it.



  43. bluebee
    10:37 pm May 17, 2013 Permalink

    A great article with creativity and humor. I laughed out loud.



  44. fireants25
    12:47 am May 18, 2013 Permalink

    with all due respect this is the worse post ever and I do mean with all due respect