Congratulations on your new status as an alpha male! If you have received this pamphlet, it means you’ve been pinpointed as either an excellent leader or the type of person who must dominate any situation. Either way, a compliment! The following brief introduction should serve as an adequate outline to help you settle into your alpha status over the next several months. Feel free to disregard this at any time because you have better ideas. You wouldn’t be an alpha male if you didn’t!
As an alpha male, you will find yourself in certain societal instances whereupon the world needs you to take charge. What are you waiting for? Grab the bull by the horns, the tiger by its tail, and start calling the shots. After all, your ideas are what matter. They’re way better than that beta male’s, and infinitely superior to those epsilon or theta males in your circle of friends. And no one’s ever going to register what that omicron or phi male is saying, or even that he’s talking. Look at that fool. Who cares what he has to say? (Answer: no one.)
You may be wondering, as you read this next to another alpha male reading this same pamphlet, which of you ranks higher. Don’t worry about that, unless the person next to you is an alpha beast, in which case you might want to slowly step away at this point. Alpha beasts have an upper hand on alpha males in nearly every circumstance and should be respected as having such.
You may also be wondering how to wield your newfound title and skills to their greatest extents. This is normal, and it’s why we today offer a few tips on how to take full advantage of your alpha males status. Please take note and use these examples as general guidelines on which to base your own future decisions.
Normal People: Wait for others to finish talking
Alpha Males: Talk whenever they want.
Normal People: Don’t yell at others.
Alpha Males: Yell at others whenever they feel like it.
Normal People: Whine and cry when they get “hurt.”
Alpha Males: Turn pain into an almost cult-like ritual of negative power consumption and photosynthesize it into a determined streak of unstoppability precisely honed for success.
The problem with these “Normals” is that they just don’t have what you have: They’re not going to step in for anyone when he or she is “sick” (sickness: another problem you won’t have to worry about), they’re not going to lead anyone to greatness. Leave them to their knitting and their home flipping television programs, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Think of it as this series of equations:
ALPHA MALES > NORMALS
ALPHA BEASTS > ALPHA MALES
ALPHA MONSTERS > ALPHA BEASTS
NORMALS > FLOWERS, ANTS, BABIES (ex. alpha male babies)
Also, the easy to remember acronym HAM SALAD will serve as a constant reminder of your mission:
Hail Alpha Males for Seeking Admiration, Love and Dedication.
Should you suspect another alpha male is in your presence and wish to secretly communicate that you as well are in this clandestine fraternity of awesomeness, simply ask him the phrase:
“What are you doing today?”
to which the only response should be:
“Whatever I damn well please.”
You and your new friend will now be ready to attack each other in a neverending contest of one-upsmanship and dominance.
There are several perks to your new alpha male status, including being the first out of the building during a fire alarm or actual fire emergency, an automatic respect of all ideas and actions you share with others, and the ability to talk to eagles, which are the you of birds. It’s always important to use your alpha male status wisely and carefully, however, to avoid changing the world too much. Many Normals just aren’t ready for that kind of action.
Sound good? Are you ready to get out there and start imposing your will on the world? Good! Now tear this pamphlet up, throw it on the ground, and go get ‘em! Because that’s what alpha males do, and we’re all ready for you to start getting all up in our grills. Good luck and just let us all know if you need anything; happy to help. Thank you in advance for any accolades or championships you may accrue by being awesome. It’s much appreciated.