Hello, friends. Nice to see you. Did you have work done? Your nose looks bigger. That’s an odd procedure to have done, usually people have that procedure the other way around. But it works for you.
Friends, I don’t need to tell you that this weekend sees the UofL Cardinals marching into Commonwealth Stadium to take on our beloved, Stoops-led Kentucky Wildcats. It’s sure to be exciting for all of us, and another interesting chapter in the ongoing rivalry that is UK vs. UL. It’s helpful to note that whenever Cards fans descend upon our neck of the woods, it’s important to behave accordingly. As we all know, things can often get heated between the two teams and fan bases, and it’s important to remember some useful guidelines to help get through the weekend without incident. That’s why, today, I’ve put together a list of Things to Remember This Weekend, so you don’t find yourselves in any sorts of undesirable situations. So please, friends: read the following, take them to heart and be safe on Saturday. And as always, I’ll see you here again next week.
Be polite. When rivalries like this get heated, excitability is at a high and tempers can occasionally flair. Should you find yourself in close quarters with a Cardinal fan, he or she will likely be rooting for his or her team just as fervently as you. Maintain an air of dignity throughout the game’s proceedings and resist taunting, arguing or general “mouthing off.” Remember: a polite crowd is a happy crowd, no matter what the game’s outcome.
Congratulate your Cards friends on plays well done, and they’ll do the same to you. Opening a line of dialogue in which everyone can enjoy a friendly rivalry takes a lot of tension out of any situation such as this, and allows both teams’ fans to enjoy the game free of judgment or persecution relating to their fandoms. It may be tough to swallow your pride, but at the end of the day a friendly handshake and “See you next year!” will go a long way to healing rifts between the two camps.
Be respectful, but still avoid eye and skin contact. It’s important to respect customs of your fellow fans. For instance, it may not be uncommon for a Cardinal fan to have not washed him-or-herself appropriately prior to game time. This can sometimes be only amplified by a lack of sleeves, and can lead to discomfort. Remember that this is standard for their culture, and these cultural understandings should be considered. The stereotypes that you will get tattoo ink on your own skin via physical contact are largely believed to be unfounded and false, as are the widely-held beliefs that you will receive a contact high or malt liquor stain just by experiencing personal contact. Still, the CDC recommends avoiding contact for your own safety as nothing has been scientifically proven.
Protect yourself. You won’t want to be caught unarmed when the Louisville/UK apocalypse arrives, and fortune favors the prepared. A genetic mutation in Cardinal fans can incite rage or violent booty-dancing and once the ensuing fracas begins this rage booty-swinging can turn ugly very quickly. A simple gesture of “no thank you, please keep your distance” can be performed by simply crossing your hands across your chest. Removing yourself from the point of conflict is the best remedy in these moments. No one wants booty on them.
Find a safe place and abide by all rules. When the State steps in to control the situation via martial law, all exits from Commonwealth Stadium will be sealed to prevent overflow into surrounding neighborhoods. Please follow the instructional directions broadcast over the public address systems when the State helicopters swarm over the stadium, and migrate to the upper decks to breathe cleaner air free of AXE body spray and booty stank.
Cover yourself in mud. This will allow the State’s heat-seeking government helicopters from detecting your body heat and you will be able to move among Commonwealth Stadium unnoticed, as well as contain your human scent from the ultra-sensitive mutant noses of Cardinal fans in your vicinity.
Bring water. Bottled water will be a valuable commodity on day four of what will surely be known as the Commonwealth Quarantine of 2013, providing life-saving sustenance free of pestilence.
Use your resouces. The heating elements of a hot-dog warmer can provide comfort as the nights grow progressively colder toward and a bed of foam number-one fingers may be the only thing between you and the cold, hard concrete as you sleep precariously each night hoping that roving bands of marauders and thugs don’t discover your camp. Keep your wits about you and look around to see what tools you can use to survive.
Should you have such ambitions, assemble a team to take down “The King.” In situations like these it’s not uncommon for separate Cardinal and Wildcat camps to band together within themselves, creating factions hoarding hot dogs, popcorn, nachos and soda. Corruption will run rampant and your only recourse may be to make a play for leadership. Think your course of action through carefully, so the State’s laser-equipped helicopters will not be tipped off to your plans.
Usurp The King and use your new power to usher in a new dawn of peace. It will be tempting, with your newfound totalitarian power, to keep the spoils of your victory for yourself and your counsel, but banding together with the ruling parties of the Cardinal regimes may be your only hope of getting out of there once and for all.
Form an unlikely truce and combine your resources to escape. By using decoys, stealth and underground tunnels, you and your newfound Cardinal brethren can slip out undetected by the helicopter drones on the ninety-third day to emerge waving a gigantic tattered “K” flag and reveling in a bright new dawn of a Kentucky united. As you embrace your former foes, muddy and smelling of astroturf, processed cheese and booty stank, you will know on that day that the sins of the few cannot compete with the preservation of the many. Your efforts will long be rememebered for that day as a victory for football fans across the state and your names will be recalled by folk songs for long to come.
At least until next September.