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The Official Need-to-Know Wednesday Guide to the Olympics (Part 2)

Friends,

Things are hectic here at the compound as we all scramble for the upcoming road trip (and I can’t find my travel Battleship or UNO cards anywhere). But none of that excitement takes away from the always-thrilling Winter Olympics. So far we’ve seen Canada’s first home gold, a thrilling mogul competition, some skating or something, and that guy or those girls wearing those toboggans. As we’re in the midst of the first week, let’s finish up our look at the winter sports we’ll be or have been enjoying so far, in Part 2 of Need-to-Know Wednesday’s Official Guide to the Winter Olympics!

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Luge

What it is: A speed competition on a fixed track employing a small one or two person sled, in which competitors lie face up and control the sled using the legs and thighs.

What you should know about it: If you decide to embark on a career in professional luging, you should first be aware that the skintight spandex uniforms mean everyone can see your business. Don’t waste your time learning how to luge and getting really good at it, being really proud of your progress, and then doing it in front of people for the first time, and they laugh, and you cry and never luge again. Trust me on that.

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Bobsleigh

What it is: A winter sport consisting of a large two or four person sled making its way down a fixed track of banked turns.

What you should know about it: The bobsleigh competition is over when your mom comes out on the back porch and says it’s time for you to come inside and eat dinner.

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Figure Skating

What it is: Regular skating for fancy people.

What you should know about it: Though you may feel superior to many of the figure skaters you see, it should be known that these athletes spend years training, and performing similar feats with a partner on the ice at your local skating rink may likely result in what the courts rule “involuntary manslaughter” and, perhaps more unfortunately, a lifetime ban from the skating rink.

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Freestyle Skiing

What it is: An open-ended form of aerial and acrobatic skiing by guys who think they can steal your girlfriend.

What you should know about it: In the 1960’s and 1970’s, freestyle skiing became known as “hot-dogging.” When this occurred, roasting hotdogs became known as “freestyle skiing,” and that is why everyone seemed confused by and did not attend the hot dog roast you held last July.

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Biathlon

What it is: Biathlon is a sport where cross-country skiing is, naturally, combined with rifle shooting.

What you should know about it: DO NOT MAKE FUN OF THE BIATHLETES.
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Nordic Combined

What it is: Nordic Combined is a sport wherein athletes combine cross-country skiing with ski jumping.

What you should know about it: You are imagining Nordic Combined. It does not exist. You fell asleep watching the Winter Olympics again.

Article written by C.M. Tomlin